"Where My Demons
Hide"
Written By: Diana
Lua
Disclaimer: I don't own
Gundam Wing and I don't make any money with this. It's just a work
for fans and for fun.
Pairings: 1x2x1, 13x5; Background
pairing: 4x3x4, Solox2, 6+2, 9+6, H+2, R+1, S+5 and maybe more…
Warnings: AU, Yaoi, SLASH,
NC-17, alternating POVs; - Mainly a romance, drama with lots of angst
and some action;
- Time: some fictional medieval
age, nearly the 10th century (without technology nor gundams);
- Place: Earth with fictional context (not really caring about the
real History);
- Supernatural contents (demons, angels and dragons).
- Some magic like seals, curses and spells (the 'Crimson Spell' kind,
nothing like 'Harry Potter' things);
Rating: NC 17
Summary: Being captivated
by a strong and devastatingly beautiful demon, that was captured very
wounded, was just the start of the changes in Lord Heero Yuy's life.
The implications of relating with the creature were as dangerous and
revealing about things in the world that he had never before dreamed.
"Where
My Demons Hide"
08.
Flying
(Heero's
POV)
"When
the curtain's call
Is
the last of all
When
the lights fade out
All
the sinners crawl"
'Don't
let me hurt you.' Duo had said and repeated many times, his voice
so full of guilt. All I could do was comfort him. Despite his warm
body, he appeared to be cold even with the blanket wrapped around
him. I whispered things that I didn't know just to try to mend that
sorrow, I wasn't even sure if he was listening, so lost in his inner
vortex of pain. He ended up resting on my thigh, quivering while he
cried until he fell asleep emotionally exhausted.
I
kept caressing his hair, just looking at the way the strands ran between
my fingers, the way it looked so brown and, yet, had subtle shades
in gold and red. His face was buried in my pants, but I could see
part of it frowning in pain, with so many marks from burns. That tore
me apart. And not even the weight of Duo's head on my thigh was bothering
me as much as it should have.
That
outburst of his served just to make me see how selfish I have been.
On one hand, I wanted so much to know more, have more time with him...
The truth, like he said, was that I have no idea at all what he bore
all of his life. I have no right to ask him to stay. It's not right
to keep him without his power.
I
had thought that he was an angel from the beginning; his appearance
didn't leave much room to doubt that. That meant he had been living
for a length of time unfathomable to me. And it was just silly of
me thinking that I could understand even a bit of him. He was kind
of a giant puzzle and, even if I could figure out one piece or two,
there were infinite others to go.
I
could expend my entire life trying to know him, still, I knew it would
never be enough. Actually, it would be ridiculous, one human lifetime
would be nothing more than a blink of an eye to him. Yet, I still
wished there was some way that I could convince him to give me the
chance to try.
However,
he was so terrified of hurting me in some way, so afraid of being
too much danger for me that I doubt that I would be capable of doing
it. I wondered what he was hiding, what he was running from, what
could be so implacable for him. I wished I could ask what had happened,
what he had done to make him feel so oppressed by guilt. He said that
he had hurt that Solo at the end... I'm not sure in which manner.
And certain, like the sun rises every day, he will go away. I wish,
at least, he could tell me why, but I couldn't ask that, it would
be forcing too much. I just wanted to help him, and I knew that touching
the issues about his past could very well just hurt him more. For
me, now, there was only one way to help him, the way I was still refusing,
because it was so damn difficult.
Carefully
I moved him, replacing my thighs for an actual pillow, made sure that
he was covered and the fire was high, so he wouldn't feel cold. After
the day that I found him poisoned, dying, I couldn't help but not
want to leave him alone, afraid of something happening. I was weak
and hungry, head heavy and feet wobbly. I needed to put some order
in my thoughts, I had so much to do and I should get some strength
back on me. I'd been neglecting my duties, thinking of nothing more
than him.
My
first stop was in my chamber, I was better after a hot bath and clean
clothes. It was a shocking surprise to find the cut in my thigh was
almost healed, leaving just a fine line scar, a bit large at the entrance
of sword; even through the fabric his tears had healed, it was a lot
of tears. After the hot meal, that I asked to be brought up there
to me, I was almost feeling well enough to face the others.
I
didn't understand much about other supernatural beings that were not
demons; they were the only ones real in my life. Angels aren't reality
in anyplace on Earth, I always was sure that they didn't give a damn
about us. As for dragons, none had been seen in our country, neither
for miles around. Just because humans were greedy.
It's
not known exactly when, but once the humans had discovered that dragon
parts could make a good profit, they started hunting and killing them
all around the world. So, even though it was said that they were made
to love and protect humans, the entire species turned their back on
humanity. In some places in the world that still have clans, and even
without actually helping the humans, their presence was enough to
keep demons away.
The
last dragon clan around my region was decimated about fifty years
before I was born. So yeah, we were pretty much vulnerable to demon
attacks and had learned how to deal with them. Therefore, being a
demon hunter was one of the most required skills, normally restricted
to mercenaries, but I couldn't help but handle things with my own
hands, especially after the accident that had resulted in my whole
family and many of my underlings being slain ten years ago.
I
needed to climb down the stairs slowly, feeling the weakness of the
blood loss in my trembling limbs and not wanting to show it. I pushed
open the library doors to find Wufei there, sitting on the massive
handle notched table near the fireplace. He was examining some papers,
probably the reports of our last trip that I just had left aside for
all those days.
He
lifted those dark eyes, staring hard, scrutinizing all of me. His
expression was divided between relief and bafflement. "Good to
see that you are still in one piece."
I
glared at him, but he never was affected by my death scowls anyway,
and I just get near, seeing the papers spread around the table. In
the end, I was just feeling grateful for having him there, taking
care of things for me. My head was too mired down with all those things
involving Duo... but that state wouldn't last long, probably after
his leave I would be able to get back to my daily chores, at least
I was hoping so.
"So..."
he started, trying to find some conversation topic, as I said nothing,
his eyes still locked on me. "The healer came back."
"What?"
I asked blinking at him in confusion.
"Your
wounds," he made a gesture pointing at my neck, "I saw how
it was earlier in the morning..." I couldn't stop the slight
blushing of my face, I wasn't sure what he had seen, I had woken with
the voices in the bathroom and of course, I saw the blade hurled in
the wall, but I had forgotten after all that talk with Duo. "I
tried to find him, but he was out... something about herbs in the
woods again." He continued, ignoring my embarrassment.
"This..."
I wasn't sure if I wanted to explain to him about the tears or even
if I should reveal things like that about Duo, but then an alarm sounded
in my mind. "Barton... you know if he was with him?"
"No.
Apparently Barton was the reason for him going to find those herbs,
he was resting in his room, ill or something..."
I
arched an eyebrow suspiciously. Barton had never been sick in the
many years I had known him. "So... you haven't spoken with anyone
since yesterday?" He looked confused at me but confirmed. "Then
you don't know about the healer..." I stated, making him curious.
Before he could start asking, I went to the doors, calling for a servant
and ordering him to bring Trowa here.
When
I turned back, Wufei was standing, arms crossed in front of his chest
waiting for me explain. I sighed and started telling him what had
happened when I took the healer to see Duo.
"Are
you fucking kidding me?" He was truly surprised, his face almost
showing disbelief, as if he didn't know me well enough to know that
I wouldn't make up something like that. Suddenly, and strangely, his
behavior changed, just appearing to be mildly annoyed, actually sad
would fit better. I didn't have the smallest hint why. Wufei tilted
his head, closing his eyes and rubbing hands against them. "I
can't believe that now we have two of those... inhuman beings here.
Wait..." he interrupted his own thought startled "You didn't
see Barton after he left with-"
"I'm
here..." The strong voice came from the door, sounding exhausted,
"my Lord."
Trowa
normally didn't use much formality between just us. Something appeared
to be wrong with him, it was apparent even in the way he moved, walking
over to a chair in front the fireplace, seating himself there heavily,
throwing his head back like it was too much weight to carry. His skin
was pale, with dark circles under his eyes. I had never seen him like
that.
"You
look like shit..." Wufei said acidly, with his usual lack of
tact, mending slightly adding, "Are you really sick?"
"Not
exactly... It's... complicated."
"Well,
you can start by explaining what a wingless angel could want from
you," Wufei's impatience made him say sarcastically.
"He...
I..." Trowa struggled with the words and his green eyes found
mine, completely lost. However, I felt just as adrift not having any
idea how to help. "He wanted me, he has been looking for me."
"I
thought that you didn't know each other." Wufei looked suspicious.
"We
don't... well..." he sighed, giving up on trying to find the
right words to say, "we've never met... in this life."
We
stare at him, but no words come to my mouth, nor Wufei's. What in
the hell was Trowa talking about? There aren't such things like past
lives... or are there?
"It's
too confusing... I'm not able to cope with everything that is swirling
around in my head now... These memories... these feelings... it's
too mixed up inside me. I'm not sure which are from now and which
were from... before." He braced his head, covering his face with
hands, his long bangs making a curtain that didn't allow us to see
his obvious misery.
"Trowa..."
I started carefully, keeping my voice a calm, intimate tone. "Are
you saying that you lived a life before this?"
He
nodded without raising his head. I was shocked. With everything that
had happened recently, it's almost scary discovering that I knew nothing
about the world. Still, Chang was more skeptical.
"He
could just fake that for... some reason."
I
bet Wufei couldn't imagine one single reason, as I couldn't, and despite
that, "Apparently, angels can't lie..." I clarified, making
Wufei give me questioning look.
"He
didn't tell me anything, he... made me remember." Trowa said,
his words very low, especially the last one.
It
took me a while until I found words, "So, you have memories for...
a past life?" That was surreal, I could never imagine that I
would have been posing such a question.
Trowa
finally lifted his head facing us and had a small sarcastic smile,
like he himself didn't believe what he was about to tell us. "Five
past lives, actually."
Chang
fell back in the chair that he had vacated only moments earlier, showing
all of his incredulity. "This..."
"Yeah...
I know... it's bizarre! I'm feeling like I've gone insane, with all
those things inside my mind now, it's as if my head will explode if
I try to order things... I can't really build a timeline... and I..."
he wearily wiped a hand down his face, a strong frown wrinkling his
forehead, "Quatre said to not try too hard, with time things
will settle and I will be able to manage this... but for now... it's
making me mad."
A
strong silence hung heavily in the air after that confession, the
only sound was the wood crepitating on fire. The air was tense and
full of questions. No one knew where to start.
"How
would that be possible? I've never heard anything about... reincarnation..."
Chang was the first to break the oppressive stillness that had settled
over us.
"I'm
not sure, it's related to his wings. But after I recovered the memories,
I was so overwhelmed and confused... and he was just so... clingy,
wanting desperately to be near me. He kept telling me that he missed
me, that he loves me, I couldn't deal with it. I needed space, I needed
room to breathe and we ended up arguing, he left and I couldn't organize
the memories inside my head to find the answers by myself."
I
bit my bottom lip, almost forgetting about my own issues. after all,
what Trowa was telling us sounded far too surreal. "So you were...
are involved?"
He
stared at me, his emerald gaze burning. "How am I supposed to
answer that? I met him yesterday! And now... I have all those thoughts
and feelings inside me... memories of us... and... my body is kind
of drawn to him... but, but it's not me... at least not the actual
me... I can't... I can't handle this... he said... said that we are
soulmates, I don't know what that means... I just..."
Trowa
stopped with a heavy sounding groan and just leaned back in the chair
totally frustrated. Before any of us could continue, there was a firm
knock at the door. I was the closest to it and move to open it, not
at all surprised to find the small blond there, the servants wouldn't
dare disturb us in here.
"The
servants said that Trowa was here." His voice was calm, but carried
a hint of demand to it. He was holding a mug with some sort of hot
tea. Without much thought, I just stepped back and let him enter.
Just when I saw the discontented look in Trowa's expression, what
Duo had said about the 'blinding' thing sprung back into my mind.
"I
assume that you want to stay in my castle." I spoke out and he
turned to me confused by that sudden topic. "My only condition
is that you stop using this 'blinding' on us."
His
eyes narrowed in annoyance right away, clearly showing a barely subdued
rage. And when he replied his voice was icy and dripping with disdain,
"I suppose it was that... hybrid
creature that
told you about this."
My
hands clenched into fists. I didn't care for his contemptuous tone,
nor the words he used to refer to Duo.
"What
is this?" Chang demanded.
The
blond didn't turn to him, instead, kept his cool cerulean gaze focused
on me, one eyebrow raised as if daring me to
explain.
"It
would seem that angels have a power capable of making humans trust
them blindly." I answered, confronting those haughty clear blue
eyes and the challenge I found therein.
"Have
you been using this power?" Trowa's voice caused the expression
on the blond's face to shift immediately to one of guilt. He turned
to face the brunette, biting his bottom lip hard and walking the few
steps between them. Carefully he sank down to one knee and modestly
extended the steaming mug.
"This
will help... you need to relax and rest, you will feel better after
some days resting." His voice was low, almost tender. A stark
contrast to how he had addressed me not half a minute earlier.
Trowa
accepted the offered concoction, but he kept a stern gaze on the one
who claimed to be his soulmate. And if I dared to guess, there was
hurt lingering there as well, just under the surface. "Have you
been using this 'blinding' thing on me?"
The
question hung in the air, heavy with accusation and distrust. Making
the angel take on a defensive posture. "It's not something bad..."
Came the wary response. "It just serves to make things easier..."
"Easier
for whom?" Chang's terse voice interrupted and I watched as the
angel's back stiffened at the brusque outside inquiry.
"Did
you?" Trowa asked again, seriously, and Quatre seemed to almost
wilt in resignation, nodding. "How does this power work exactly?"
"Angels
from third heaven[13] have
this ability. It's designed to help us with doing the..." He
paused as if calculating the appropriate words to explain. "...chores
that were related to humans. It just makes you accept things that
we say and simply trust us."
I
saw the muscles twitch in Trowa's jaw as he clenched his teeth. Which
I knew was a form of his calm personality showing when he was really
pissed off about something.
"Promise!"
I demanded, voice firm as I chose to intervene before a fight broke
out. If I had pieced things together correctly, there was something
about angels, some force that made promises and lies a very strong
issue for them. And if the look that I received from the blond was
anything to measure by, I was right. "Promise me now that you
won't use this on us again and only then I will allow you to stay."
He
hesitated for a minute, looking at me the aquamarine eyes filled with
an almost uncontrolled fury. Truth be told, even though he hadn't
shown anything that didn't fit his human cover, I was sure that even
without wings he still had angelic strength. So it was not as though
I could force him to depart or stay with my words. However, the obvious
feelings that he had toward Trowa made him swallow his pride and do
things just to gain Trowa's praise.
"Whatever.
I promise," he acquiesced, his voice laced with bitterness. "Did
you make that despicable
pariah promise
this too?"
"Didn't
need to, he is
leaving..." I didn't know if Duo had this power too or not. But
I doubted that he had used it. Although, perhaps I simply couldn't
notice, because I probably would never have realized that Quatre was
using it if Duo hadn't told me.
Chang
turned to me, crossing his arms, and I could tell that he had questions
about Duo, but the time wasn't right and I glared at him. He rolled
his eyes, but nodded in acknowledgment and turned to the blond again.
"How does this thing... this bond or
whatever it is between you and Barton work?"
"Why
should I answer that?"
"Because
they are my family," Trowa cut in abruptly. "And because I want
to understand..."
"I
rather want you to rest first, after... it will be easier to comprehend."
The tenderness was back in the angel's voice as his face once again
took on a more concerned expression.
"I
can't rest with this storm of doubts in my mind."
The
angel rose to his feet and pulled a chair closer for himself, in front
of Trowa. He brushed the fine, wispy bangs away from his face in an
anxious gesture, before starting, "My wings are the price I paid
to have a 'ring' placed on you. It has a spell cast with a piece of
my soul, so that we are bonded to each other. The ring serves as a
barrier, protecting you when you are living, and when you die it makes
your soul turn back to Earth instead of getting mixed in the veil
and becoming part of the universe's energy..."
Trowa
looked at him with an expression that was indecipherable, then he
closed his eyes, pressing his temples with his hands. I wondered vaguely
if that bit of information was making him be assaulted by some sort
of memories. Quatre extended his arm toward him, but retracted it
before touching, pain and suffering written on his angelic face.
"Why
didn't you come find him before?" I asked and didn't know if
it was my low tone or if the angel was simply tired of using that
haughty facade. His tone was a mixture of sorrow and exhaustion.
"Of
course I would if I had known. I would have come much sooner..."
Trowa opened his eyes and several minutes passed as they locked gazes.
I felt a bit embarrassed for the intimacy of that look, almost jealous.
"I missed you." Quatre continued like was just the two of
them in the room. "Literally. I missed you for two lives... I
nearly lost my mind searching endlessly for you the last hundred and
fifty years. When you are reborn the only clue I have is a 'push'
on the stub of my wing bone, it just indicates the general direction
where you are. Without my wings, I can't fly to you, I can't use my
grace anymore, I'm stuck to almost only the human means to look for
you. I need to search with only this small clue for the direction
where you were born, I need to rely on destiny, hoping for some luck
to lead me to you. It's a vast world, you have no idea what I bear
all those years without finding you. When that beast recognized
my true nature and revealed that I was an angel, I thought it would
be easier to just make you remember right away... I'm sorry if I was...
If it was too sudden... I just..."
"I...
I'm just too confused right now." Trowa said with a sorrowful
tone. "Maybe you are right, I just need some time resting."
He turned to face me, his eyes asking for permission.
"Take
the time you need, my friend." Even though he was sworn as my
vassal, we grew together and he was more my friend then my underling.
Actually, like he had said, we are family, once we both lost ours
together. "Chang is here to help me and... and he is
going soon, so..." I was counting on being able to dive deep
in my chores and tasks to not think of him when Duo was gone.
"So
you can use the right head again." Wufei couldn't lose the chance
of provoking me.
"Will
you return the weapon to him?" Trowa asked.
"Yes."
I snap back resolute. Not giving him a chance of impeding me again,
though in his actual conditions I doubt Trowa was even remotely thinking
about that. He just nodded, finally taking a sip of his mug. The liquid
wasn't steaming anymore and he made a bitter face while swallowing.
He stood up extending a hand toward Quatre, the relief and the joy
in the blond's eyes shone like a light. I had trouble reconciling
these seemingly two conflicting personalities from the angel.
After
they had gone I remained staring at the closed doors, thinking about
the odds. There are no coincidences in this world. So, I was asking
myself what the odds of, after a hundred and fifty years, them finding
each other, I couldn't leave Duo aside that equation.
"Do
you believe it?" Chang's voice sounded calm and low, thoughtful.
"What could be this 'ring'? For sure it was nothing physical."
He had his head thrown back looking at the ceiling, thoughtful. "I
have never heard anything about living many lives. That sounds...
interesting, to say the least."
"Sounds
harsh," I countered, "Trowa wasn't exactly happy... and
that part about searching the entire world?... It is a huge world...
sounds very arduous to me."
"Probably
not more than knowing that you will inevitably lose the one you love...
and that there exists a chance of finding them again and live with
him one more time. A chance of making things occur differently..."
His
voice had taken on a strange, almost wistful tone that suggested a
hidden longing laced through with regret. He appeared to become lost
in his thoughts, the fingers of his right hand drawing something in
the back of the other one while his eyes stared at the flames of fire.
An unconscious gesture that was quite common when he was lost in a
distant world that he had never shared with me.
"Chang...
what..." He didn't look at me, his eyes fixed on the fire and
I didn't have the courage to ask what he would have done different,
what he would have changed. He never was talkative about his past,
the topic appearing to be extremely difficult and troubling to him,
not that I could fault him for his discomfort. I knew his village
was burned down by a dragon, and he had lost his fiancée the
day before they were to be wedded.
I
walked toward the safe place, a hole in the wall behind a bookshelf
and carefully removed the blanket wrapped object concealed within,
bringing it over to the table, laying it atop the papers and removing
the cloth covering to reveal it's contents. Chang hadn't seen the
divine weapon before and it caught his attention, drawing him to examine
it closer.
"So... he is
leaving?" He inquired while his fingers traced the shining divine
metal. It surprised me the way he referred to Duo, his voice carrying
an oddly casual tone, as opposed to his usual irritation and annoyance.
"He
needs to..." I replied, trying to keep an indifferent tone in
my voice.
"And...
are you ok with this?" He pressed, concern seeping into his tone.
"Of
course not." My voice came out louder and more heated than I
had intended and I rushed to regain my composure. "But it's the
right thing to do... there is too much about him, things that I will
never know, things that I will never understand... I..."
"Even
if it was the right call, it's hard, isn't it? To let go..."
Wufei
had returned to gazing intently at the fire, and I had a feeling that
he wasn't talking about me. "Yes... it's damn hard... but apparently
there is some form of danger surrounding him, some threat, and he
was very concerned about my... our safety if he remains here much
longer."
"Hn."
I swear I was expecting him to press for more information, rushing
me to send Duo away quickly. Instead, with a husky voice, he said,
"Sometimes leaving is the best thing to do."
"You
can't understand... I probably will never see him again... I don't
know if I can deal with this... after." I held the scythe, feeling
the weight of the cold metal in my hands.
"You
will. Won't be easy, but you will... " he said with a strong,
melancholic determination. "I can understand better than you
imagine. The truth is that we are just humans and they... there is
no way we can fit in their world. Trowa's situation just proves that.
To be together the angel had given up his wings, his entire life...
is that fair? Not to mention the suffering when they aren't together.
Maybe, just letting go and setting free the other is the best way
to demonstrate our love... they are and have so much more, it's not
right to bind them at our limited human life..."
"Chang...
who did you let go of?" I needed to ask, it was clear that he
wasn't talking about either Duo nor Quatre. He frowned, yet still
didn't look at me, his right hand coming to his left shoulder and
sliding down until it rested lightly against the back of his left
hand, as if there was something to trace there. I hadn't seen anything
on his skin but a big scar on his stomach.
"It
doesn't matter... I was just a burden there. Leaving was the right
thing to do..." His black eyes seemed to glow as they reflected
the flames of the fire, I thought I could almost make out an unshed
tear there, but it was probably just the firelight and my imagination.
"How
did you... deal with it?" I asked softly.
"Not
thinking about it." The response came somber.
"And
that works?" I gently pressed, not buying the method seeing him
the way he was in that moment.
"Has
been working all these years..."
I
wasn't sure if I truly believed it worked if the sadness on his face
was any sort of indicator, but that explained some of things about
him that had intrigued me over the years. He had never gotten involved
with anyone and the way that he pushed so hard at his training and
work... It was all a way to not dwell on whatever he had left. I didn't
like it at all. Instinctively, my fingers tightened around the sharp
weapon, as a fierce wave of concern and uncertainties washed over
me.
(...)
Notes:
[13]
If you didn't see explanations about the angelic hierarchy on Ónoma,
here it is: "The angelic hierarchy is alike the 'nine choirs
of angel' from Catholicism, divided into three classes: the God's
nearest, the middle ones and the human's nearest. Each class has three
or more kinds of angels." The third heaven that Quatre mentioned
is the human's nearest.
~ * ~
Chapter 12
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