"Where My Demons Hide"

Written By: Diana Lua

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing and I don't make any money with this. It's just a work for fans and for fun.

Pairings: 1x2x1, 13x5; Background pairing: 4x3x4, Solox2, 6+2, 9+6, H+2, R+1, S+5 and maybe more…

Warnings: AU, Yaoi, SLASH, NC-17, alternating POVs; - Mainly a romance, drama with lots of angst and some action;

- Time: some fictional medieval age, nearly the 10th century (without technology nor gundams);
- Place: Earth with fictional context (not really caring about the real History);
- Supernatural contents (demons, angels and dragons).
- Some magic like seals, curses and spells (the 'Crimson Spell' kind, nothing like 'Harry Potter' things);

Rating: NC 17

Summary: Being captivated by a strong and devastatingly beautiful demon, that was captured very wounded, was just the start of the changes in Lord Heero Yuy's life. The implications of relating with the creature were as dangerous and revealing about things in the world that he had never before dreamed.

"Where My Demons Hide"

 

07. Sentenced (continuation)

These sensations were making me so confused, tearing me apart; that human had just broken my barriers so easily, he had melted the heart I thought to be frozen. I could put the blame on the demon that left me injured, on that green shit that almost get me killed, but it wasn't all true. This man... had looked at me differently. He really had looked at me, and he had cared; for so long I hadn't had someone that cared about me, and I had been missing the damn thing without knowing.

He fell into the kiss, hands burying in my hair, tongue dueling with mine, until he was breathless. I whirled his body and pushed him down on the mattress, on his back and just laid over him, finding that place between shoulder and chest that was just the perfect fit for my head. He relaxed under me, his arm reaching behind my wings, caressing the skin at the small of my back.

My fingers found the neckband of his shirt, pulling it enough that I could see the marks that my fangs had left; they were clean of the blood, the scab still a dark red shade surrounded by dark skin. There was also the bruises of my grabbing from the day before, they were all darkened now.

"I told you... it's ok." His voice was soft and the fact that he really wasn't troubled just made me feel guiltier. "Later I can ask for..." he stopped suddenly, unsure of something, "Shouldn't I? Was there some... risk from using that thing?"

I rose on my elbows looking at him; although I didn't feel comfortable with 'that' kind of presence so near, there was nothing wrong with the healing method.

"No." He stared at me an eyebrow raised, I could see his eyes asking me. "It's just tears."

"Tears? You mean... his tears?" His eyes were wide and I just anticipated a lot of other questions.

"Angel's tears can heal small injuries and wounds. Tears come from the soul and have this... power toward humans. So, it was..." I wouldn't admit that it was actually clever, "interesting the idea of keeping them in a bottle."

"Can heal angels too?"

"No, if an angel couldn't heal itself... well, it's because the injury was pretty bad and he already expended almost all of his grace's energy... so tears have no use at all... there are a few angel healers that can be called in extreme situations. But, if it's possible, the injured angel would just rest until gaining back some energy to take care of it by himself."

He chewed on that thought, building all sorts of questions, but he limited it just to point that I knew a lot about angels.

"Will you let that 'healer' stay in your castle?"

"I..." he wasn't sure, probably hadn't thought about it yet. "Do you want me to send him away?" I knew he would do it if I said yes, even not knowing exactly what the blond's connection was with his 'friend' yet. That made the hole in my heart bigger, reminding me of a time that I had someone that also wouldn't deny me anything.

"I suppose there is no need, once I'm the one who is leaving..."

He looked away, trying very hard not be pushy about my departure, but was all over his manners that he wanted to ask me to stay.

"Do you... hate all angels?" he asked, choosing to change the topic, unfortunately not for a easy one.

"I'm a demon..."

"Is that the only reason?"

I didn't answer, probably didn't need to, he was smart and was interested enough to see in my eyes that there was more. He brushed his lips against mine, "I wish you'd tell me more about yourself..."

"Why?" I blurted and regretted immediately.

"You told me to not fight against... my feelings." He took my hand placing it over his heart, its beating easily being felt on my palm. "But you're still... refusing it. Why not let me help you? Let me give you... this..." My own heart raced, matching his beat.

I felt his wishful feelings and just didn't know how to deal with them. The only thing that crossed my mind was to bring him closer, which I did, burying my face in his shirt.

I wanted to feel his skin, his warmth, not the harshness of the wool fabric, and I pulled it up by the hem, just to have my eyes drawn by purple bruises, still darkening, molded to the exactly positions of my fingers on his waist.

"It's nothing..."

These probably would be all dark by the next day. I hadn't noticed it before, but then the accusation that impertinent Chinese man had made earlier made sense; he had seen them, added to the ones on his neck and the blood from the bite.

"You should have said something. I didn't mean hurt you."

"I know." He was a bit embarrassed when he said, "I didn't really notice or... care at the moment."

His acceptance, his trusting, warmed me. I kissed his neck softly, letting his feelings float all around us, caressing me. I should want to go, but just didn't know how to change what was already going on inside me. Everything that I had turned myself into in those last centuries was turning upside down.

I let my hand caress the marks on his waist, whispering, "I may just not be used to holding human bodies..."

"Well, I can help with that..." his voice was low, with some embarrassment, when he tilted my head to find my lips with his own. We kissed again, he was gentle and yet demanding, like pouring all he had been feeling into it, and this time, I fell into the kiss, fell for his passion.

We broke apart with a wet sound; his lips remained near, ghosting over my face. What I read in his feelings just confirmed that I was really fucking raising his hopes and that tore me more.

I rose up and straddled his hips holding him down on the mattress. "Heero..." I started, but needed to stop, not really knowing how to say that there wasn't any chance for... us, that there wasn't any chance for me. "I... I'm a broken tool; I have no use; I keep living just because of an ancient promise... there is no meaning in my life anymore..." he tried to open his mouth, but I stopped him with my claws, feeling too raw at that moment. "I was numb, my world, these lasts centuries, was in shades of grey... I haven't being living, just existing." I let go of his arms to rub my own face. "I even hadn't noticed it until... until you." I looked in his deep blue eyes, saying it the straightest way I could, "I'm nothing. I have nothing to offer."

His expression was hurt, but his sadness was directed at me. "Don't say that... that can't be true, this isn't true." He rose up, his arms strongly enveloping my waist, his face burying in my collarbone. "I'm not asking for anything... I just want to be with you."

I kissed the top of his head, grabbing his damp hair to tilt his head, making him face me. "I'm sorry... we can't..."

His eyes were wet and hurt, locked on mine, a lot of things mixed inside. If he found the words, he bit them back and remained in silence.

"I don't want to hurt you..." I said, my voice ragged, and I let my fingers trace the curve of his jaw until his neck. He could be injured so easily, I didn't want to even think it...

"You didn't really hurt me."

"It's not..." I didn't know if I should explain, maybe it would be safer not to. "I don't want you to be hurt because of me. You have no idea, at all, about what kind of thing you are getting into... "

"Then explain it to me, so I can decide..."

"Even if I explained, it would not really be up to you to decide." I looked at him serious and a bit irritated. "That annoying black haired man has his reasons, you should listen him; you can't truly make a decision when you are too far away to be able to handle it." I saw the frown on his forehead "And I would be mean and heartless if I let you do this."

"I thought being mean and heartless were demons' characteristics..."

I wanted to laugh. Yeah right, I shouldn't care, but I did. Was too late already. The only thing that I wanted was for him to hold me, kiss me, and still let me see the feelings that made me feel so cherished. But the odds... the odds were against us.

I truly cared about hurting him, about him being hurt because of me. The only way to prevent that was to let go. I knew he understood that on some level, but he still... wanted me, in part because I had incited that.

I felt disarmed and stripped bare, lost on more levels than I could bear. He had every right to want to know, every right to try love me. It was just me hiding and running like I was so used to do. But because there wasn't another way. I couldn't... not again.

"Duo..." the stirring of his warm breath over my lips, the intensity of his deep blue eyes making me dizzy, when his voice was soft and cautiously asking, "... who is Solo?"

I froze, confused and shocked for an instant. "Where...?" my voice cracked and I needed to gather it back to ask, "Where did you hear that name?"

"You..." he said low, but quickly, like not letting me have doubts, probably worried with the horrified expression stamped on my face. "Yesterday afternoon, when you were sleeping. You were dreaming and whispered it..."

I bit my lip and let my body fall aside, forgetting that damn wing and flinching when the pain hit me. He leaned over me, his lips kissing very lightly along the line of my jaw, his fingers lingering down and up on my arm.

"My brother..." I whispered, closing my eyes.

His other hand tenderly brushed my bangs off my face. "The way you said it... didn't sound like a brother's name..." I open my eyes, sure there was too much sadness shown in them because I felt his regret rising considerably. "You don't need..." but it was just words, he truly wanted to know.

I pulled him on his back and squirmed to lay over him, finding that shelter inside his arms.

"My keeper, my brother, my friend... best friend, actually... probably my only true friend..." I needed to take a deep breath before added the last one, "and my lover."

Even though he had been waiting for me to say something like that, I felt his body getting tense. I raised my head to look at him, to find the concern clear in his eyes.

"I was different from the others in our 'family'; the only one that wasn't made to be a soldier. No one ever understood me, no one but him actually tried. He used to spend all of his free time with me, he was always taking care of me... And I just fell in love... I was in love with him for a very long time."

I buried my face in his chest, feeling again those damn tears that were hunting me all morning; I fought, not being able to let them win yet, not yet.

"You still...?"

I felt the words vibrating through his chest more than heard it. I felt the need to look into his eyes, to shake my head denying, "He is only old memories now. Old memories and one promise."

He held my hand on his face, leaning into it. "I'm sorry."

"Not as much as I."

I leaned over again, placing my ear in the middle of his chest, hearing the steady beating of his heart, the reassuring up and down of his breath.

"Why did he..." he started, but changed his mind. "What kind of promise exactly was it?"

"The things I've done... you have no idea." I breathed and tried to relax against him, feeling his hand stroking my hair. "There was a time when everything became too... harsh for me. I didn't want to do it anymore, the missions that we had were eating me alive, there was a dark hole inside me and I was silent drowning in it. I don't think the others had noticed. I wanted to give up, but that was the only life I knew; how to say that I didn't want to do anymore what I was made to do?"

"Solo noticed that something was wrong. He didn't know how to help me and I wasn't sure about asking him for what I needed. So, I tried to be strong, tried to hold on, but having mission after mission, the type I hate most, even if I had time for my body to recover, there wasn't enough for my mind, my soul. In one mission, suddenly, everything just became too much to bear; that black thing inside me became too big to ignore. I just didn't want... to exists any longer."

"I confess, I didn't think about anything in the moment, I just let that feeling consume me. He was very perceptive, and noticed that something wasn't right; he almost got himself killed to save me from myself. When I recovered some consciousness, I thought he was dead, so broken and injured he was; I almost went berserk."

I closed my eyes for a minute, enjoying the heat of his skin against mine. I was chilly and Heero's arms clenched around me anchoring. If he noticed that I was cold or just that I needed some... reassurance, I was too overwhelmed to figure out, I just grabbed what he was offering without thinking.

"Was after that, he made me promise that I would never again give up my life. I was so at the edge of my own endurance... between so many rules, so many restrictions imposed; I just needed something good, strong to fill my senses... Something that could bring some light, some hope and some love to my scattered, ruined soul. He wouldn't deny me anything and let me, finally, know how he felt about me."

I just let him hold me for a long time, leaning over his chest, trying not to squeeze him too much, I didn't think that I could tell him how much I needed him at that moment, even if I had tried. He stayed still, probably waiting for me to continue, and when I didn't, he asked very softly, "Did you ever try to read his feelings?"

"If it was possible I would have, but as a soldier, an elite one, they are trained to shut the feelings and emotions down, so he needed to let me know properly."

"He must have loved you for long too." It was a firm statement and I raised my face to look at him, a question very clear in my face; there was so much warm in his eyes when he brushed his fingers along the side of my face. "If he saw the same I see, there was no possible way to not fall for you."

I leaned into his touch with a sad smile, that burning of tears daring at the edges of my eyes again; I needed to close them. "You don't even know what you are looking at, Heero." I felt the hint of a shiver on the base of my spine, somehow he noticed and pulled me near. It caught me by surprise making my breathing lose rhythm, but his feelings were so solidly enveloping me and I surrendered, trembling with my hands clenched on his shoulders.

"I'm trying to..." he whispered. There were many questions across his face, but he was looking at me so tenderly, like it didn't really matter if they were even answered.

"Why?"

His smile was a mirror of my mischievous one the times he had answered me something that appeared pretty obvious. However, even I could read his feelings, and was aware of how he felt about me, shit, even his friends were aware of that, I still could not understand how it turned that way in the first place.

"I... really don't know... I saw your eyes, they shine so bright, even though there was so much pain, so much sadness in them. It hit me; how could a demon possibly be that sad? How could amazing eyes like that be in so much pain? I wanted to..."

"Fix me?"

He wondered, like tasting the word in his tongue. "No... It wasn't that. I... wanted to make you smile, see your light without the shadow in front, wanted to make you feel well enough so that the pain not be so visible, so strong... It was like an urge to reach out to you; sounds pretty silly, but it was some kind of protectiveness. Duo, I just want to take care of you..."

Overwhelmed, I turned my face, incapable of looking at him anymore. I had forgotten how it was feeling cared for like that; I knew I was fading away. I actually couldn't believe that he have seen any light, because I was pretty sure that all inside me was thick and dark like the demon blood running in my veins. I thought blocking all memories, good and bad, would block the pain too... I was so damn wrong.

He pulled my chin to look at him again, probably to kiss me, but when I opened my eyes, my sight was all blurred by the fucking tears. He was surprised and also a little pleased, I could tell. I blinked and one finally escaped out of my control, running down my cheeks, burning my skin along the way.

"Shit," he said, his fingers rushing to catch it, stopping it half way. He opened his mouth, but nothing come out.

I took his hand and lead it to his bruised neck. "Don't waste it." And rubbed there to heal some bruises.

"Angel..." he whispered kind of enthralled.

Hell, what I could say? Just nod and bent my neck in a way that the others just drop directly in his palms, keeping my skin from being burned, even though my lower eyelid would anyway. I had fought it so long, but at that moment I had no will to continue to fight against it, and it would be fine if at least I could heal his wounds.

He looked at it, seeing the warm soft light brightening inside. "Quatre's had a blue glow..."

"I was a different kind..."

He used them, letting it heal the bite marks and the rest of his bruises, leaving just the two white round scars in his neck. I was kind of relieved seeing it, and surprisingly, I wasn't that annoyed at letting him know what I had been before.

Heero brought his fingers back to my face, brushing the burnt line that the first tear had left. "Sorry... It's because you are a demon now?" I shrugged and he pulled me to linger his lips over my eyes. "A demon with a bright soul."

"There is no light, no bright in me. My shattered soul is a deep black hole... Heero I-"

"This... Solo... did he hurt you?" His gaze was heavy when he interrupted me and I lost the line of what I was about to say.

"He could never hurt me; he would die a thousand times before; he would go against everyone and everything to protect me. I was the one that hurt him at the end." I withdrew burying my face in his neck, just wanting to be immerse in his warm care. He thought that his protectiveness feelings were silly because I was much stronger than him, but it wasn't about the physical protection, never had been.

"Tell me what happened?"

I clutched at his shoulders, swallowing hard, his tone was just tender, soft, asking me to tell him what I had never told to anyone before.

For some reason, at that very moment I wanted to.

Not because I wanted him to know, maybe more because I had been carrying that for so long... suddenly I felt the need to spit it out, maybe saying it out loud could release a bit of the guilt I carry alone.

"You know that angels are all brothers and sisters, then having physical relations is... forbidden between us. Despite that rule, is kind common it to happen; if it was kept low everyone just turn a blind eye. After what had happened, with what I had inside me, I didn't care. I loved and wanted him, I needed all of him, not just his brotherhood. For me it never could feel bad, wrong or dirty, it was just love, the way of physically expressing love."

"We kept it as a secret. I was too naive. It never had crossed my mind that someone would be... pissed about us. I don't know what really happened, we had a peaceful time after the dragons were made and placed on Earth to protect the humans from the demons. Maybe we just became careless and someone noticed." I tasted bitterness on my tongue, like a physical reminder of that betrayal, I never could swallow it really.

"The others from our family set up to catch us together..." I felt my hands fisting and obliged them to stop. His lips found my forehead and rested there, fingers absently smoothing the locks of my hair. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the sight of that moment down, back to the most deep and dark corner of my soul. "Everything became confused. They were so angry and hurt, betrayed; I couldn't understand that, they were our family, and we were the ones that should feel betrayed."

"Angels are arrogant, egoistic pieces of shit. You couldn't have called that a trial. He was older than me and had some fame... he was condemned for harassing me and dirtying me. Defiled was the word they used in his sentence. Like he was all and the only one responsible for making me step out of god's grace. Like that meant shit truly, didn't have anyone there that was innocent of lust sins."

"I tried, tried so hard to explain... that it was mutual, that I held the same parcel of guilt as him. But no one listened to me, they were irritated because I didn't just accuse him." I rose, almost feeling suffocated from the pain, like my throat was being crushed.

"They were sticking to the idea that he had corrupted me. They said that my virtue needed to be cleansed. I couldn't understand and, at the end, I was sentenced to be punished and he was sentenced to death."

I felt like drowning, incapable of dragging enough air inside my lungs. My heart attempting to explode through my chest; Heero's arms around me were the only anchor that I had. I tried to focus in his breathing on the back of my neck, the warmth of his chest on my back, the sweet nothings that he was saying trying to comfort me.

I felt like a rag doll and let him maneuver me, to pull me between his legs, holding and lulling me. It was the concern in his eyes that let me know that I was shedding tears again. My heart and my soul was aching so badly that I even felt the fucking burning on my face. I had to put serious concentration into not let myself fall in that hole, concentration in the tenderness of his voice, the heat of his hands rubbing along my spine.

"I wasn't allowed to say goodbye... to say that I loved him... that I didn't want it happen..."

"He knew it. I'm sure he knew..." He kissed my tears, trying to dry them, and then swallow my sobs kissing me deeply and thoroughly.

I still didn't know how he could love me. Maybe because he knew so little about me. Maybe because he couldn't really see that the demon body that I have now was just a reflection of what my soul was much before. Maybe I never understood how Solo could have loved me in the first place. How somehow I could ever be loved, having done what I did.

Suddenly, a thought just kicked in without any consideration: that I couldn't stay with him. There was no way I could be with Heero, I would end up just hurting and losing him. My free wing just moved by itself to envelop him, to envelop us, when I felt just hopeless, without knowing what the fuck I was doing in this fucking world.

I was just falling apart, I needed him, I needed his care so much and because of that I just needed, really needed to go. It was too much... truly too much... and I let the storm break and cried out loud, trying to muffle the sounds and sobs on his skin, in a last attempt to hold some strand of dignity, I sobbed and trembled and held on to him for dear life.

My face was hurting like hell, all burned by the damned tears, but compared to facing the pain in my soul it was nothing. I shouldn't be alive, if I had never been brought to life it would have spared so much pain, innocent pain... I had hurt even the most dearest to me, I couldn't bear to hurt Heero too.

"Don't let me hurt you..." I heard my voice saying, and was so low and hurt that I wasn't sure if he had.

However, his arms tightened around me, strong and nice. "I won't..." and even I knew it was a sweet lie, that he had no power to prevent it, I wanted to believe. "Don't let me hurt you..." I repeated, knowing that I just needed to let him go, to go away to help with that, but in that very moment, I just wanted to stay with him holding me tight that way. I cried like I never had cried in centuries, I was cold and he pulled the blanket around us. Somehow I slept in pure exhaustion, surrounded by his love and his care.

"I need to let you go"

(TBC...)

~ * ~

Chapter 11

 

Back to Single Authors Index

Back to GW Authors Index.