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"Shadow Man"Written By: Kaeru Shisho Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing
or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Yaoi, AU, angst, sap, romance, drama Pairings: 1x3, 2x4, 5xC Summary: Hardly more than a shadow himself, Trowa glimpses the shade cast across the concrete of another young man, who is about to make a fatal mistake. A/N: This story takes place in a universe more
like ours today, where the colonies exist, but not in space, and where
the world is on the cusp of change " Shadow Man" Chapter 11- Leading off with a brief look into Heero's head I was determined to regain my strength and my health so I could contribute to the circus community that helped me. I put my all into daily exercise and therapy sessions and my body rewarded me with steady improvement. Most of my memories remained locked away. As time went on, I began to believe I would never have them back, that they were lost with the damaged brain tissue. One morning changed all that. I'd cooked eggs and toast for breakfast. Trowa had eaten and dashed off to feed the animals, his early chores, leaving me to clean up. That hadn't taken long to do. I hated the long periods of idleness mandatory before beginning my exercises, but if I didn't rest, I'd tire and weaken and bring on awful headaches and depression. I took to sitting in the open door with a cup of tea, surveying the activity passing by. It wasn't long before folks looked for me and stopped to say hello. Gerald the clown, Sybil and Simone the acrobats, Lenny the sword-swallower were just a few. Lenny talked the most. He'd had a hard life and often said he wished he could forget it all. He'd quickly add "not your way, man" and we'd both laugh. Laughter sapped away the tragedy. So, this one morning I was sipping my cooling tea, Lenny dropped a bundle of newspaper on the step. "Reading material Wufei wanted you to see. And don't ask me what. He said you'd know." I thanked him and started by scanning the front section of the paper. Relena's name caught my attention. Zechs and Relena both! Relena had run away! Her older brother claimed she'd been unhappy with her move to another school and was fomenting the rumor had it that she'd run off with her youthful boyfriend, Heron Lowe, who was also at large. That's when several things snapped into place for me. The article didn't say "rumor", but I knew it wasn't the truth and that Zechs would be the one to circulate such a thing and push the blame onto me. The other thing I was suddenly sure of was that Relena had run away. She'd done it before. I couldn't remember the city's name, but I was sure it would come to me eventually. The brain injury sure taught me about patience. The harder I tried to think of something, the further away it went. Give it a rest, and what I was hunting for often floated to the surface. Like looking at the stars. If you stare directly, you miss things the brighter ones block out. If you look askance, things pop out that were previously blurred. So, back to the news article. What was important was that this had triggered some return of my recent past memories. The problem was obvious. A report like that would arouse interest in my whereabouts. It wouldn't take a detective, one who was keen on getting his advancement, much time to piece together my accident at the school and the circus hospital incidents. Locating me wouldn't take much effort, and nothing would get Odin Lowe off my trail after that. This was terrible. When had this occurred? That's when I noticed the article was weeks old! Fuck! The man could be hauling me off any day now! But he hadn't. I seemed to have a calm voice in my head to tamp down the panic-stricken one, and it told me to check the other papers for a more recent update to the story. And I found it, them. Heron had been spotted all over town and in Lexington. That was where Dorothy Catalonia lived! I knew that. I knew then that Relena must have gone to stay secretly with her internet friend. Another update contained an interview with Dorothy, who ranted quite a lot about her rights. It sounded like Relena had an opinionated friend. It made me smile to think of the kind of impassioned conversations she and Relena would have- had had. Dorothy admitted to have put us both up for a day or two and that we'd moved on, she knew not where. But someone else did, and that read like planted information to me, probably because I knew it had to be. Trowa? Unlikely. Wufei? Yeah, he'd do that. I made a mental note to ask him later. There was a trail of information leading all over the continent, and then beyond that. I had been seen in the L5 sector in the last page I read. There was enough detail to tell it had been written by someone who'd been there before. Well. Now I knew one sure reason why Odin hadn't barreled into the circus, demanding me yet; he wasn't looking here. Wufei, I was pretty sure, had bought me time, healing time. I had peace of mind that come from knowing I was safe. I'd be forever in his debt. I thought of ways to repay him and decided there would come a time and I'd know what it was. In the meantime, I'd make the most of the time he'd given me. I'd get well. I'd get strong. I'd work off my debts, Trowa's debts, too. Then we'd be free. Before I tossed away the papers, another short article caught my attention. It was a picture of Treize Khushrenada grouped with others of the OZ leadership. The leading line read that the circus had agreed to a command performance at the end of summer after it had completed its tour of the kingdom and colonies. Free. Who was really free? Dance for his honor! Perform on cue. I knew neither Wufei nor Trowa would want to do that show. I'd tell them and we could make a plan to join the air force or some other faction of the armed forces before that. It didn't matter so much what it was as long as it kept us away from the eyes of OZ. I felt deep in my bones the Odin Lowe and OZ were all wrapped up together and had been preparing to suck me into a grand scheme. I felt a great evil when I thought of Lowe. After another day of practice walking, floor exercises, and silent screaming, I took my first true walk without assistance. I thought I'd surprise Trowa by showing up outside the tent where he practicing with knives. I waited for him to finish tossing the neat row of throwing knives, and then stepped into his line of sight. Instantly I had his complete attention. "Progress," came in a whisper. He brushed a thumb lightly over my lower lip. "Don't go. I need a minute," he said and then was gone. That simple gesture sent tingles all through me. I stood there, halfway in the tented room watching him until he disappeared under a flap which closed behind him. When the tingles grew into the shakes, I found a hay bale to sit on. It was progress but it wasn't over. I had a ways to go. "Hey, I got the rest of the morning off." Trowa motioned to me as he exited the canvas door. "If you can make it to the canteen, I need a drink." "I can do that." I'd rested long enough and it was only a few yards walk. "Pretty soon you can work out with me," Trowa said, a hand ready to lift me to my feet. I didn't need it. "Not afraid I'll get too good and take over your job?" I joked. His serious expression reformed into a bright smile. "No. If I'm going to become a pilot, I'll need a co-pilot as good as me." "Soon," I said. I was glad he was looking ahead. Far ahead. But not too far. "The circus is performing for Khushrenada at the end of the season. In the paper." Trowa shook his head. "I really ought to go to the weekly announcement meetings." "You think Wufei's heard?" "Probably. We should ask him. It affects us all." "Yes, it does," I agreed. For so long my health had limited my panorama to my bed in a room, constricting my ground plans to simply getting through a day at a time. As I grew stronger, my increased territory, my outlook expanded as well. Now I wanted a future. The canteen was a general meeting place with food, an internet hub, and a scattering of laptops. Few circus personnel had access to computers any other way. They just cost too much. Trowa left me at a long table to go get a couple sodas and a basket of cheese fries. I turned on the laptop and connected. By the time Trowa returned with our snacks, I had up our favorite site: Schematica, with specifications and diagrams for all the fighting machines out there. Not the newest. Those were to be assumed held secret. "They have the Wing Ultra," he said, keeping his voice low in spite of his excitement. He was good at that. He'd make a good spy, I thought. It was the best morning I'd had in...forever. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing. It was so great to be feeling whole and having more of me back in my head and to be walking! I felt good and was gratified when my good feelings rubbed off onto Trowa. We must have looked silly grinning like idiots over a laptop. And in love with each other. (o) Seeing Heero smile made me smile back and my heart beat faster. "You're happy," I said. "I am. You're here." That made me feel about as good as I'd ever felt, that simply my presence could make a difference to him. I felt the heat rising to my face, and I think he saved me further embarrassment by not pointing it out. "I remembered more today," he said. "Yeah? Let me hear about you, then." "What should I talk about?" "You, of course." I jabbed his arm. "It might help fix your memories more, talking about them." And if he didn't want to remember them, he wouldn't have to tell me anything. His eyes tracked upwards and over my shoulder just moments before we were spotted by my sister and Wufei. "Hi-o!" Catherine called out. "Come on over for dinner!" Before I could get out of it, Wufei shouted, "Fried chicken from Mary! Did you forget?" "Mary the ticket-taker and fat clown," I told Heero, not knowing he knew her nearly as well as I by now. "I know," Heero said. "She makes the best fried chicken once a week and takes orders. It's not the first time we've done this." "Right." "Shall we go? Heero asked. We avoided eating Catherine's cooking as often as possible. How Wufei could tolerate it... had to be love. Heero was teaching himself to cook for us. He was either gifted or remembering stuff from the past because he could make something good out of next to nothing. And that I say out of love, yes, but it was true as well. "Yeah. Wufei would have ordered all the side dishes, too. It'll be fine." And the food was a great treat for us. Heero ate twice as much as I'd ever seen him. The additional exercise was making a difference in his appetite and state of mind. My sister seemed agitated, which meant she had things on her mind to tell me. I didn't particularly was to me a party to them, though. I had Heero. Let her whine to Wufei and lean on him for advice. "So, I saw you working out today, Heero," Catherine said. "You look ready to take on a lion." He looked wide-eyed alert for a moment, but his mouth was full, so I said, "I don't think she means wrestle one." He gave her a neutral shrug. Not agreeing or disagreeing with her assessment of his condition. "Not wrestle, no, but if you want to do more, lend a hand? Washing cages and feeding the animals would be a start." "Cath!" I didn't want her making him feel like a lay-a-bout for taking it slow. "It's all right," he told us. "I can start carrying more than my weight around here." I glowered at my sister. "When he can ride a horse. That's my standard of measure. He's not to do too much or exceed his limits. It's easy to do. Now ease up on the man." "Okay! Looks like you have a little more time off," she said. The nervous giggle set my teeth on edge. I knew there was more to come. "I read something today." Heero went on to mention the article concerning the command performance. Wufei set down his plastic fork, maybe to avoid stabbing someone. He looked angry. "Damned Ringmaster, letting them coerce him into that." "It's just a show," Catherine said. "It's not worth having the circus pay the price, and one would be exacted for denying Khushrenada something he wants. And we get money for it. It's not so bad." "It brings OZ into onto circus land, allows them inside, and gives them contact with the people who work there." Wufei frowned. I watched him take my sister's hand in his and look into her eyes. "There are many people here who have run away from dangerous situations and sought refuge in the circus. By inviting Oz here, the ringmaster is breaking a trust." "I see. Well, I'll have a word with him-" "Catherine, I'm sure the man is aware." Wufei rubbed his face, in a gesture of frustration. "What pressure OZ must have put on him? I just know many of the performers won't attend that show. Many will be compelled to go into hiding." "Maybe things will change before then," my sister said hopefully. We ate in silence a little while. I was coming up with a timetable for Heero and me going into pilot training. I'd just move things up a notch so we wouldn't run into anyone from OZ. "While we're all here," Catherine cleared her throat. "There are a few things I'd like to ask you, Heero." "Hn," he grunted, mouth full. "Trowa said your memory is returning." "Some." Heero stabbed a fry into some ketchup and crammed it into his mouth. "So do you remember why you were up on the roof?" she just blurted out. "That's not your business!" I said to stop her. "I think it is," she insisted. "I doubt you were 'jocking' it up, hopping rooftops for thrills." I knew she'd read the note from Zechs. I stared her down hoping she'd get the message to lay off and not spoil the meal with bad memories. "Cath-!" I kicked her foot. Hard. But she ignored me, as she usually did. "I don't want to see you falling from the high wire-'' I watched as Wufei buried himself in his salad, figuratively. I was tempted to push his face into it for all the help he was giving me. I may have pushed a little. "What the hell?!" he jumped up, spilling greens. Between me stopping her from saying more and Wufei pushing me off, we made a mess of the table. It was Heero who barked orders to "sit down!" and "get your elbow out of the salad" and finally settle us all down. Catherine started it up again. "It's just that I don't know much about how you got to be-" "On the roof at school?" he finished for her. "It's all right, Trowa. I can handle this... talk about it now." "Yeah, that." She seemed pleased and turned my way. "You should tell him about you, too. I mean, obviously, something, or someone, made you miserable enough to try and kill yourself, but Trowa's been depressed for years." As much as I wanted to strangle her, when I saw Heero's face go all soft and warm, I melted and nodded slowly. "Not so much now that I've met you." "Maybe you were more... lonely... than actually... lost?" Heero offered. "Lonely, sure." Catherine couldn't just let it go at that. "He was lonely, but there was more to it. And it wasn't just the gay thing, so don't use that as an excuse. It started when he was young." "It usually does." Heero enforced this with a hard look. "As early as I can remember." Catherine nudged my foot under the table. "Go on, tell him. He won't feel like he's the only one to suffer." "All right!" I barked. "Give me a moment to think." I drank half my soda, cooling off and formulating what I wanted to say and how to put it. "I had this unknown, invisible deficiency... and in order to deal with it I came up with a belief system that convinced me that I had to be-" "- perfect." Heero said this with conviction. "Yes, well, close to perfect, and if not that then invisible so as not to be noticed." "I know the feeling," Heero said. "Failure brought me... what I remember now ... unwelcome attention at home. I felt I had to be perfect to prove my worth and value. Those memories are returning, too." I felt bad for him and me. "Yeah, proving myself worthy, like that," I conceded. "We all are out there trying to impress someone, in my case the ringmaster here, and my sister. In yours... probably Lowe, right?" "Yes. Being the star of the team, in a class, whatever, usually got him off my back. You did it for the accolades... performing?" "Yeah, maybe." I had a caring sister, my circus family, a job, good health-so why hadn't that been enough? It just wasn't. I probably would have benefited by some medical help. Maybe I'd had some chemical imbalance? Maybe a traumatic event in my young life I couldn't remember? It didn't matter now. I no longer felt so bad; in fact, Heero had come into my life and made me feel useful, wanted, important. Wufei smiled crookedly. "Needless to say, being human must have consistently impeded your ability to be flawless." Heero chuckled at his joke. "Yeah." I cracked a smile, too. He was such a great supporter. "The irony of my situation being," Heero went on in a similar vein to what I'd said, "that I assume the injury to my brain will be a hindrance to my greatness in the future." He was coming back. Heron was. I could hear some of Heron's jackass cockiness in there. I hoped there'd still be room for Heero in that damaged brain when Heron was fully aware. He was my Heero now, though, and I would hold onto him as long as I could. He reached for my hand and squeezed it. I felt his strength in that hard clasp. And I felt an emotional bond Heron and I never had. I tried to carry the joke a little further. "At least you have an excuse." "So, what was this supposed deficiency you thought you had?" Wufei asked me. I met his intense look with one of my own. "The circus got me as a baby." "They said his parents just abandoned him," Catherine clarified. "Right, so, it was logical that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't sure, but being alone in the world and clearly rejected and unwanted by my parents had to be because of this defect." "Catherine's not your sister?" Heero asked. "In spirit only," she said smiling. "I'd been a founding, too, a few years older. My parents and little brother had perished in a fire. When I saw this little toddler, I instantly felt a bond and made us a family." Okay, so I could never be mad at her for long. She had been and still was pretty great to me. She'd been when it really mattered. "Do you remember your parents, Heero?" she asked. "Oh. Well. I don't remember very far back, but if Lowe was my guardian, I might have been abandoned by my parents, too." "It may have contributed to your problems," she said. "You should ask Winner," I suggested. "He might know. He seems to have gathered facts about all his friends." "I will," Heero said. "With as big a family as he has, you'd think keeping track of them would be enough to keep his nose out of other people's business" "You'd think," I agreed. "I said so. Anyway, go on. Tell me about your flaws." Heero leaned back and smiled. "I don't like the freckles-" I came up with in a totally weak evasive maneuver. Maybe I wanted to talk about all this crap I'd been keeping inside for so long. Who knows? "Trowa-" Wufei began, and I didn't want him getting riled and shouting at me. "I felt bad about everything," I said raising my voice. "You don't seem that way to me at all," Heero said in a quiet voice, pitching it low so only I could hear him. He touched my hair, cupped my jaw and looked deeply into my eyes. "You seem patient and positive." "I do now. Since I sent all that time with you in the hospital, I've changed." "It's only fair. You changed me, too. So now we belong together." I wanted to melt into his arms. My body hummed. "Oh, aren't they cute?" Catherine said, giggling. I would have felt mortified at one time, but Heero was there and holding my hand, making me feel so... important and too good to be embarrassed about it. "I find it interesting," Wufei said, ignoring us, "a highly developed, pervasive sense of shame comes with depression." "Yeah," I said, remembering but unable to explain how that felt. "I had low self-esteem and a boat-load of insecurities." "And I did nothing to help!" Catherine let out a sigh. "You weren't much older than me," I said. "You did fine." "When I arrived, I noticed your quietness, but didn't... pry. I should have," Wufei said. "It wasn't that I didn't care. I was pathetic." "You had your own problems to deal with, and I wasn't letting you in on any of mine. We were all just kids." I took a moment to think back. I remembered pretty well how I'd come up with this weird belief system which created this image of myself... basically defective at the core of my being. "I'd been chucked off because I was defective. I believed that I could not trust anyone with my secrets." "Or that you could be loved by anyone." Heero's statement hammered the proverbial nail on the head with that conclusion. "That too," I confessed. "I set these crazy expectations for myself and then I could never quite figure out why I was unable to measure up." "No wonder you felt alienated and isolated from others," Wufei said, his voice sounding a bit hoarse. "And to avoid being blamed, shamed-" "-Or scape-goated-" I added. Yes, Wufei was on the right track, all right. He smiled at me and bowed his head. "Yes, at school I can imagine how you'd try to measure up to those...irrational expectations. "Me, too!" Heero said. "I understand completely. That's how I got caught up in...in..." "Perfectionism." Wufei steepled his hands and dropped them the instant I grinned at him catching him in his nervous act. "It's an endless cycle," I said, "trying to be perfect, but not being able to measure up, so I'd just keep feeling disappointed in myself-" "-And depressed." "Yeah." "You'd been depressed, but having Heero to care for seems to have given you something selfless to do and drawn you out, something I couldn't do," Catherine said. I'd drawn the same conclusion just a minute ago. We must be right. "I hope now you see that perfection is a myth," Catherine said. Wufei paused to stand. He had seemed to become more and more intrigued by the topic and now looked like he was about to deliver a prepared lecture. "While pursuing excellence, on the other hand," he spoke like one of the really smart kids at school; he must save been at the top of his class back in L5, "encourages creative expression and creative expression gives meaning to all life." I guess that explained his drive to succeed, especially with his swordsmanship. "Anyway," Heero said looking at Catherine. "I had a few of Trowa's problems and others of my own. I lost my drive to fight, I guess. I don't remember much that happened that day." "Probably for the best," Wufei agreed. And I didn't want Heero going down that dark path, so I used the opportunity of Wufei being so talkative, to get the questioning turned on him. "So, Wufei, you never really said why you'd run away from home." He looked a little shocked that I'd asked. And then Catherine nudged him, "It will help." "I don't know why anyone would care, but... all right. There was more than one reason, but... when I was eleven, I was engaged." "Pretty young," I said. Heero gave a low whistle. "It was an arranged marriage, as was customary for the high-born of my clan." His glare dared any of us to debate him, which we didn't. "My wife was mortally injured in the first bombing. I visited her in the hospital and I'll never forget- her head was wrapped and there were monitors everywhere keeping her alive." Like when I'd first seen Heero. It had been Wufei who had gotten me through those first viewings. Now I understood why he seemed so familiar, and it hurt to think I'd never asked him for the story before. Would he have told me? Was it getting easier for him? I hoped so. "I was thrilled when her eyes opened, but when she looked at me," the hitch in his voice upset me more than what he was saying. I could tell that he was reliving a terrible moment. "I could tell she didn't know who I was." Catherine reached out to touch his arm. She looked as if she was suffering right along with him. And Wufei let her. He accepted her compassion, probably needed it. Why hadn't I ever been able to do that for him? I knew the answer to that. I'd been too caught up in my own head. "We spoke, but her spark was gone. Her personality gone. It was as if she'd already died and another person had come back in her body." "Oh, Wufei-" the Catherine said, tears welling in her eyes. "She died in my arms an hour later." Wufei turned his dark look onto the woman he obviously loved a lot. "The pain has faded and been replaced with love." It took a while for us to get our voices back. Great sadness kills conversation. Catherine served the desert of pudding cake and glasses of milk, soymilk. Pretty soon Heero spoke up. He thanked Wufei for his help misleading Lowe with press releases. "My role was a small one," Wufei said. "I defer to your friend, Quatre Winner. He has some interesting and powerful connections, I'll tell you." I felt that we'd need more of those connections soon. Odin Lowe didn't seem like the sort who'd be distracted by crazy news articles for long. (o) The trailer bunks were narrow in all dimensions, making sex an athletic, creative, event. I knew of a roomier accommodation that was likely to be private. I made it our goal for the ride. Our fourth horseback riding adventure. The first three were a gradual, but definite growth experience. "- proof that once you learned to ride, you never forgot." "That's about bikes," Heero had corrected me. "It should work for anything," I said. By the fourth attempt, he felt good and I felt good, so I set us a goal. "Around the lake and back." I had a lunch packed and swim shorts and towels. We'd stop and rest and I had some other recreation planned and a secret place to do it. We made it to the lake feeling giddy and completely unaware of the passage of time. We'd spent a long, long while doing a lot of necking and very little talking, and had stopped only when it had become obvious to both of us that within the next minute they had to either stop or mate. The spell broken, we were nervously hysterical with one another, laughing too much, touching one another gingerly, and trying to make believe that we were all calm inside. We'd even gone swimming again for the cooling effect and were lying in the sinking sunlight to dry. When I mentioned a private hut a walkable distance away, Heero yanked me to my feet. "What are you waiting for?" "You giving me a sign," I said. He brushed a hand over his rising erection beneath his tight swimsuit. "If the sign were any bigger, they'd see it back at the circus." I took a firmer hold of his hand. "This way." "I know. I saw it," he chuckled, but went along with me anyway. We picked our way through the shrubbery, the ground marshy and mud oozing beneath our bare toes, and came to the shed. Then a voice said, "Trowa?" I may have growled and we turned in unison toward the sound. I swallowed, choking, in surprise. Heero burst out with, "Catherine! What are you doing here?" "Looking for you. You left your phone at the horse stable and Carl saw you heading to the lake. It might have taken me longer, but I thought, where would Trowa take his boyfriend for some alone time?" "Cath!" Now I was embarrassed. "Your friends are at the gate asking to be admitted. I didn't know if you wanted to see them or not." I was thinking not, but Heero's eyes lit up in a way that spoke "yes!", so back we rode. TBC
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