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"Despair and Hope"Written By: Karina Rating: 15+ in Australian ratings so would that be a M+? I'm not sure about the new rating systems Pairing: Duo x Zechs x Lucrezia, 1 x R, 5 x S Notes/ Warnings: Rated for a bit of language and some not very pleasant thoughts entertained by both Duo and Zechs. There has been character deaths but not of the principle two characters. Spoilers: None really Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing or the Characters from the series. I just coax them to come out and play a little and then give them back unharmed. Summary/ Author's Notes: Do you remember way back two fics I wrote called The Brides [after that lovely piece of artwork we all drooled over by Max Marquise] and the follow up fic Forever? Here's the third installment to the sequence set some eight years later [roughly]. The fic is unbetaed though hopefully I've ironed out most of the mistakes and there will undoubtedly be instances of Aussie spelling. Check the warnings as its a bit dark and again its written in that experimental style I was playing with. I thought I'd keep the flavour. Hope you enjoy... well, for those of you who like
angst. For those of you who don't, sorry.
Duo I hate. I hate them. I hate those bastards for what they have done. I hate them for what they have destroyed. I hate them for what they have taken away from me. I hate them for what they have taken away from Him. I hate them for the world they have destroyed, the people they have murdered, the changes they have forced. I hate them. God. I was one of them. Once. A long time ago. I was one of them. I was a terrorist fighting for what I believed was right. For what I was told was right. I was young and stupid then. Are they young and stupid? Do they really know what they are doing? Do they know the heartache they are causing? Do they fucking care? Did I care? Fuck it hurts when the shoe is on the other foot. What goes around comes around, I suppose. My turn to live with the pain of loss. It hurts when you are on the receiving end of their lesson to humanity. It hurts when you see your family butchered. When you see them die. No time to say goodbye. No time to say I love you. Just… no time for anything. Except death. At least I still have him. Thank God I still have him and the children. I couldn’t go on if I didn’t have them. But I feel that I am losing Him because of them. Those bastards have to pay for what they have done. I have to do something to make them pay. To make them hurt as much as I am hurting now. As much as He is hurting. The kids don’t understand yet. It’s too soon for them to understand why their mother won’t be coming home any more… why He hasn’t been here for the last five days. I have to make them pay. They have to lose someone the way I have lost, the way He has lost. The way our family has lost. Their blood needs to be shed… Shit. Don’t I just sound like them? Fucking bastards deserve to pay for reducing me to this. I left it behind me and now its back. The blood. The Death. Shinnigami wants back. Do I really want him back? That’s how the peace is destroyed. Strike and counter strike. Strike and counter strike. A never ending cycle. It’s started already. I thought after last time… after what we did… after what He did… Where did the peace go? It should have lasted longer. Not just my peace… our peace… but the peace that covered our world? The peace we all fought for and were prepared to die for. We brought it, payed for it in blood, sweat and tears. So many died and for what? Peace is crumbling around us destroyed in the blast that took out a colony. Murdering bastards. Not quite Operation Meteor but almost. Almost. It was close enough. It was enough to show everyone what cold hearted bastards want to be the next rulers. He won’t let them win. I won’t let them win. But do I have to give him up to make them pay? Fuck that. I won’t give him up. God. Are you up there? Why’d you let it happen? Why did you let them do it? They were not content with killing the representatives of the ESUN, oh no, that was not enough. Bad enough but not enough for them. They had to do it in grand style by destroying an entire fucking colony and everyone on it. Everyone. Everyone, including Heero and Relena… and Lu… and our baby. Shit. I’m crying again. I promised I would not cry anymore. That I had had enough of useless tears but my eyes are leaking like a sieve and I can’t seem to stop. Why aren’t you here? Who am I crying for? Am I crying for myself? For Lucrezia and the baby she carried? For Heero and Relena? Am I crying for Une and Sally or the two million people whose lives were snuffed out in a spectacular light show that was a candle’s flame in the darkness? The death knell of peace. Do we let them win? Am I crying for the other people? For the survivors who watched their families destroyed as I watched mine? I’m not the only one who had family and friends on that colony. I’m not the only one… But I feel so alone. I feel that I’m the only one watching the world fall apart. Am I crying for the little man who can only watch and wail at the unfairness of it all and demand answers from those supposedly with all the answers to every problem? Let me tell you that those you expect to know everything actually know absolutely nothing. Fuck you, little man. We hurt, we bleed and we mourn just the same as you do and who do we look to for the answers, hmm? Who do we look to for the solution to this problem? He’s out there looking for your fucking answers instead of being here mourning for Lu! News flash people. We with the answers are just as fucked over as you. Crap. Well, that was wonderfully productive, wasn’t it? It’s useless to sit here and wail about the injustice… God. Wu Fei. I’ll have to check on him soon. He must be due to wake up and I’m not looking forward to that any more than I am looking forward to the kids waking. If he goes off his head again… I can’t do this alone. Where are you? I need you Zechs. I need you here, with me, with our kids. Not stuck in that office solving all their problems for them. I know someone has to do it but why you? Why does it have to be you? You are making yourself a target, baby. I don’t want you targeted the way they targeted Relena and Une. I can’t lose you. They killed them all. They’ll kill you too. I can’t… I can’t think straight. You assured me you would be safe but shit… They were supposed to be safe too. The funerals are starting tomorrow and I can’t bare to watch them on tv. There are going to be so many of them. I can’t bare the thought of attending the funerals for the ones that mean the most to us. Heero. Relena. Sally. Une. Lucrezia. Oh God, Lu. You should never have accepted the invitation. You should have stayed here, where you were safe. You should have stayed here where we could hold you and love you and look forward to the birth of our baby. You should have stayed home. So much dust floating around in space. We never found your body though they are still looking. No one set out to look for survivors, only for the bodies of the dead… can’t have bodies as navigation hazards. Fuck. I hate the cold practical bastard who said that. Bet he never had anyone on the colony. No hope of you being alive after that blast. We know you were on the colony and that there is no hope of you surviving it’s detonation but… it would have been nice to have had a body to bury. An empty grave is not much comfort. He’s been through that before and I know it still hurts him. He left it behind but I know he still feels it, especially now. Those bastards have brought the hurt back. There’s nothing I can do about that, its old news and I know he accepts the reality of it but I did want to give him closure at least in this. Howard and the Sweepers are still looking, sifting the debris for any trace of you. We haven’t given up hope of finding you in amongst all that wreckage. We haven’t given up but I know the chances of them succeeding are slim. Another empty grave for him to visit. Another empty grave with only a name on cold stone to mark a death. I don’t want that for him. He’s hurt enough. I’ve hurt enough. The whole fucking world has hurt enough. I hate those bastards for starting the whole thing over again. I hate them for bringing back the hate. It’s late. I stand here on the balcony looking at the stars and remembering how Lu stood here watching sunsets. She loved to watch the sun set but you love to watch the stars. I was hoping you would make it home tonight and we could watch the stars together. Maybe say goodbye to her together. Maybe make love under starlight and let each other know that we are still alive. Another night when you won’t come home. Another night while I watch the kids and keep an eye on Wu Fei and stop him from doing something bloody stupid. Another night I’m cold and lonely and wishing you are here. It’s been the same every night since they died. You can’t keep up this pace, baby. Your not strong enough to carry it alone. You’ll break if they don’t let you breathe. If they don’t allow you to mourn. Delegate, Zechs. You have to delegate the work load and give yourself a chance to rest. I can’t let you continue doing this much longer. I had hoped you would see reason on your own. I had hoped you would see what it's doing to you, to us… to the kids. I had hoped you would see it and slow down and come home to us. We need you too. I should have realized they would have shunted you into Une’s chair. Commander in Chief of the Preventers. Another target for the terrorists to aim for. Preventers failed to protect Une. They failed to stop the colony being destroyed. They failed to prevent the deaths of over two million people. They just plain failed everyone. Zechs, come home. If you just walk through that door I’ll make love to you until you can’t think straight. Until you tell me you won’t go out there again. Until you see what they are taking away from you… from us… from me. I could join Preventers again… No. Never again. I need to get some sleep but how can I sleep knowing you are out there, a target for the assholes who have already killed so many in the name of peace? Peace? That’s an awfully bloody word. Probably the most blood soaked word in any language known to man. Enough people have shed their blood for it. Julian and Katerina need you. Helen and I need you. They need their mother too and they just don’t understand that she’s gone for good. Katerina and Helen may not remember her for long but we will tell them about their mother and about their Aunt Relena. We will tell them all about Heero and Une and Sally. We’ll remind them so they don’t lose it all. Julian will remember on his own but when he needs it we’ll be there to remind him of how it was, not how it ended. How we loved his mother. We all need you and Zechs I know I’m being bloody selfish but we have as much right to you and your attention as everyone else. They are bringing Meiran and Odin and Leticia in the morning. I suppose they will keep you from that too. I always wanted a large family but… this way? How do I deal with them? How do I look them in the eye and go on as though it’s the most natural thing in the world for them to be here and not at their home? I guess this is their home now. At least Chang will be with me. If he hasn’t killed himself by then. If he can’t get over the grief and realize that he still has a daughter though they killed his wife. I thought he was stronger than that. We lost Lu and our unborn and we still function but he goes all to pieces and forgets he has a daughter and tries to off himself. Fucking idiot. He should be stronger than that. He’s not the only one who has… lost. Zechs, get your arse home. Let me know you’re okay. Let me feel you. We need you. For God’s sake, I need you. —————————————————————— Zechs I had thought I did not know how to hate anymore. That I did not need to hate anymore. I was wrong. You sure as hell reminded me of what it is to hate. You reminded me of what it is to burn for vengeance. I hate you. All of you. For what you have done there is no forgiveness. I hate you. You killed them. You and others like you. Look at you. So fucking proud of yourself. Sitting so straight in your chair wrapping your pride and certainty around you. I know that look. Fanatic. They’ll get nothing out of you but the programmed spiel on everything that is wrong with the ESUN and how you will correct all those wrongs and make it better. No. Perfect. You are so cock sure your way is right, that only you can make it Perfect. Fucking deluded asshole. You programmed piece of shit. You killed her. You killed them. You were someone’s son once. Before you gave up your humanity to become a mass murderer. Your kind think nothing of killing your own mother if it means getting your message across so why should you think twice about killing two million people? All you see is the glory they programmed into you. I don’t know if there is a word that is low enough, base enough to describe what you are. You killed my family. They have no idea what they are doing placing me as Head of Preventers. They made a mistake. I can’t contain this rage much longer. I’ll rip the bastards apart for what they have done. It’s like Sanc all over again. I can’t live that again without losing my sanity. Do they want another lesson? Do they really want me to teach them another lesson? There will be more than a new grand crater on Earth when I am finished this time if they don’t stop pushing me. God. Duo! Help me stay sane. Preen, you bastard. I’m watching you and every move you make. Every flicker of your eyelash. Every twitch of your shoulders. You don’t like the chains, do you? Well fuck you. I’ve lived in chains most of my life until He set me free. You learn to suffer them or go insane. But you were insane before we chained your wrists together. I’ve dealt with your kind before. I know you. I know the filth you are and I won’t be civilized for much longer. Epyon taught me how to deal with the likes of you. No martyrdom for you. No glory to thrust you past the gates of heaven. No fucking glory. I’ll find a nice dark hole for you to be buried in. You can feel for the dark walls and the dark floor and the dark ceiling. You won’t find any doors and certainly no windows. You can eat your meals in darkness and piss in darkness and shit in the darkness. That darkness will only be a mirror of your soul. Only a mirror of the blood you shed blocking out the sun. You killed my family. They were my family. All of them. They were like my sisters, Sally and Anne. You took them away. You killed my blood… Relena why did you have to attend that conference? For once could you not have said no? Heero… Yuy was my brother. The younger brother I loved to fight with who understood me as I understood him. Lu. Oh God, Lu. You never stood a chance. You and our son… never had a chance. You and your brothers in hate killed my family. I’ll show you what hate is. I hate… I hate… It’s like Sanc all over again. Repeating in cycles I can’t escape. Will this nightmare never end? Duo, I want to come home. I don’t want to have to stand here on the other side of this mirror and listen to them trying to get blood out of a stone. This one won’t talk. He’d rather die believing in the glory and righteousness of the master plan for peace. I want to go home. I need to get out for a bit… no, I need to get out of this and never see it again. Never have to look at you again, never have to hear you again… never have to see in you the destruction of so many people. All of their lives… all of their dreams. They had a right to live their lives, not end up as so much space debris. Lucrezia… Relena… I hate and its not good that I hate so much. What day is it? I’m not even sure if it’s day or night. I can barely keep my eyes open and still they demand I be here. They demand I come up with the answers. They say there is no one else who can take her place. No one else to fill her shoes, to stand in the breach and keep the peace. Why am I doing this? If I was dead they would have found someone else. If I was not here for them to drag into this they would have had no choice other than to find someone else to fill her shoes and sort out this mess. You smirking bastard. I could so easily and happily put my hands around your neck and wring it like the vermin you are. You need exterminating. I can't do this. God, if I don’t escape from this I will kill him. I’ll rip the bastard limb from limb and be no better than he is. Duo… I need… I need… You promised… never to allow the anger… the grief… to take me again. Oh get a life you murdering prick. If I have to listen to your preaching much longer I’ll put a bullet in your brain just to have some peace. Ah, listen to me. I can’t… He’s coming back. I can’t afford for Him to come back. Jesus. Duo I need you. I need you to steady me and pull me away from the edge. I need you to keep Him away. He would put a bullet in the son of a bitch without blinking. One in the left shoulder… one in the right ankle then to stop him running… one in the left thigh… Shit. Oh shit… Duo. Help me. They killed Lu. They killed our wife. They killed our son before he could be born. They took her away from us and they expect me to stand here and take the shit this asshole is sprouting? I’m going to kill someone if I don’t get out of here. “Sir? Where are you going?” Where am I going? I don’t… know… Yes I do. I know exactly where I am going. They have made everything unreal. They have brought back the nightmares. They have destroyed my world again and again… but that’s okay. I don’t have to let Him out. I don’t have to live with His rage. I can deal with it all this time. I can. It’s not just me. Despite them and their fanaticism and their killing there is still an US. It’s not me. I’m not alone. I’m not one. I’ve not lost it all this time. This time its better. I have Duo. I have Duo and I have Her babies and… I’ve lost Relena but I have her children. I have to be there for them. I have Duo and I know he’ll be waiting for me. Worrying about me. Where am I going? “I’ll be back late tomorrow. I’m going to my family. I’m going home.” I have a life and I’m not going to allow anyone to ruin it.
Karina Robertson 2005 Note: For reference the children are Julian [7yrs], Katerina
[5 yrs], both Zechs and Lucrezia's, Helen [3 yrs], Duo and Lucrezia's.
Meiran [4 yrs] Wu Fei and Sally's and Odin [5 yrs] and Leticia [2
yrs] belong to Heero and Relena. The baby that died with Lucrezia
was biologically Duo's son.
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