"Guilt"

Written By: Emerald Pillow

Pairing: 3x4

Warnings: yaoi, lemon, angst

Disclaimer: Don't own the G-boys, just having some fun. ^-^

Rating:

Guilt

I woke up with a start and glance to my left. He was getting tired. I could tell. He didn't show it. Didn't act like it, but I knew. I could feel it. I could sense it. And why shouldn't he be tired? After all, he's
been driving for the pass fifteen hours straight with only four pit stops. Once for food, twice for gas, and once because I had to use the bathroom. I didn't mean to have fallen asleep. It just sort of happened.

Looking at him now, I felt guilty. Not only did I fall asleep, but the mission had turned bad. He had lost the information he was supposed to download. That was also my fault. If only I had kept up with him when we were trying to flee. If only he hadn't stopped to help me. Then the mission would have been a success. It was rare for him to have failed missions, so when he did, he took them rather harshly. More than anything I wanted to make it up to him. I just didn't know how.

"Do you want me to drive for a while?" I asked suddenly, just to break the silence that's been lingering.
"It's fine." Was all the answer I got as he kept his beatufil emeralds to the road. Hot tears formed in the back of my eyes. They burned so bad that I wanted to let them flow. Instead, I turned to face the window and stared aimlessly into the passing night. We were driving down an old country road, so it was pitch black. The only light came from the truck's headlights, aided slightly by the moon. All I saw in the window was my own reflection, and his.

"I'm sorry Trowa." I began as I studied his reflection in my window. He had taken a beating that was supposed to be mine. His right eye was swollen to prove it. The black eye was the only visible suvenire from the fight. All the other bruises and injuries were being consealed by his turtleneck.

It startled me when I felt him touch me. He gently took my hand in his. Our fingers intertwined and he rubbed the side of my thumb with his own.

"You didn't do anything angel." His voice was softer now, a hint of compassion was evident. Hearing the tenderly spoken words I couldn't help but smile. It was an extremely slow and tiring process, but I was gradually introducing emotions back into his life. I often wondered if it was for the best. It was because of his reconnected emotions that the information was lost. More pointedly, his feelings for me that caused it.

"If I didn't. . ."

"It's not your fault." He cut off my sentence and gently tugged my hand, signaling that he wanted me closer to him. After removing the seatbelt, I closed the small gap between us and allowed him to wrap his arm around me.

He was tense. He always was after a mission. And to be completely honest, he always was until he reached the safehouse. Sometimes even after he got there, he was still alert. "We all have bad missions at one time or another. The best thing to do is learn the mistakes so that it doesn't happen again."

As he spoke, he gently rubbed my back. I closed my eyes and consentrated on him. Being this close to him soothed my body. Soothed my mind, but not my heart. My heart knew I was the mistake. Knew that if it wasn't for me, he would go back to the safehouse and report that the mission had been completed. My tears agreeingly coursed down my cheeks.

I knew that inwardly he was blaming himself for the misfortion. I lightly slipped my arm around him. He sharply inhaled in pain. The mission before last, he told me that he had been roughed up a bit. He was still sore from it. This mission, he had to fend off four guys to protect me. More tears of guilt flooded my eyes as I tried to hold him tighter without hurting him anymore than I already had. We sat in silence for about five more minutes.

I looked up at his black eye again. I hated to say it, but I thought he looked sexy with it swollen. It made him appear tougher than he usually did. Just looking at him now, I could feel myself getting a little aroused. I
wanted him. I wanted him so badly I could taste it. The safehouse was still a four hour drive away. I knew I couldn't wait that long. I needed something to satisfy my desires now. Without really realizing it, I sat up
and began kissing his bruise. I made sure that the kisses were light, I didn't want to cause him any more pain. My kisses made their way from his eye, down his cheek, and to his jaw. There, they made a detour to his neck.

I know that kissing him wouldn't make up for the mission. I could do that until my lips fell off, but it wouldn't recover the lost disk. Wouldn't take away the pain, or guilt. But I could at least make him feel better
about it. I worked leisurely along the length of his neck. Keeping them as gentle as I could. His breathing quicken as I found his weak spot. Who would have thought that someone like Trowa, with his stoney exterior, could melt like butter when kissed in a certain spot. It took me forever and a day to find it, but once I did, I made sure to take full advantage of it. I felt his tension lift from his body as I continued lightly sucking the same spot. My hand slowly slid up the front of his shirt. I easily found his nipples and began to tease them. He gasp at the sudden contact. I wish I could have been tasting those stubs instead of touching them, but I didn't want to distract him too much. I guess I must have. I felt the truck swirve as if he was trying to get back on the right side of the road. Deciding that I didn't want to end up in a ditch somewhere, I removed my hand. Not meaning to, I brushed across in groin. He had become rock hard. All this time I've
been playing with his neck when I could have been pleasuring him.

I rubbed his manhood tenderly. Teasing him the way he always teased me. My fingers instinctively found the zipper to his jeans. Qucikly it was relieved of it's duty. The button was freed as I slowly slid to meet his
bare shin. Grapping him gently, I began to pump, all the while, I continued the assult on his neck. Becoming a tad bored with it, my eyes moved toward something that would give him even more pleasure.

He knew all along my intentions, for as I headed toward my destination, he slightly moved his are to allow passage. He slumped a little into his seat so that I could have a better advantage. His eyes reamined on the road as I decided it was time to give him a taste of his own medicine. For all the times he teased me, I'm going to pay him back. I planned to tease him to the point he wouldn't be able to stand it. I started out slow. Kissing every inch of his manhood while I lovingly fondled his sack. He didn't respond, but I knew he was enjoying it. We've been together for so long that we knew exactly where and how to touch each other. My tongue leisurely ran his length, seducing and pleasing him at the same time. His hand found my neck and began to gently rub. I tried really hard to continue with my original plan, but I soon became impatient.
Frustrated, I admitted his shaft, sucking sharply. Had it been me in his position, I would have try to thrust myself into his mouth. However, Trowa had better control over his reactions.

"Quatre. . .I want to be inside you." I heard him whisper. A smile passed over my lips as I ceased my actions. As he pulled to the shoulder of the road, and cut the ignition, I removed my kakhais and briefs. Before I threw my pants to the floor, I withdrew the small tube from my pants pocket. Laying back, I handed the tube to my Latin lover. He positioned himself between my parted legs.

He remained silent as he squeezed the contents of the tube into his hand. This was probably the first time he would plunge right in without stalling. I couldn't help it as I squirmed in antisipation. I wanted him inside me so badly. The only thing he took time out for was to properly prepare me for his invasion. It was over almost as quickly as it began. At first, I was a little upset. I guess I was spoiled by his usual routine. In fact, this was
the only time we ever had to rush. Though neither of us had seen a car for several hours, there was still a threat of being caught. Maybe that's what would make this time dangerous.

I couldn't help but moan as he began driving himself into me. He lingered over me and seized my lips with his own. His groin took a steady pace that was a little faster than usual. Our tongues met and happily played
while the manhood worked. I moaned deeply into his mouth as he quicken his pace. He pleased me in a way that only he could. Full filled me and made me whole. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed myself against him. Like clockworkers, he grasp my own aching cock. He began pumping it in
his lubricated hand, in beat with his thrusts. Pulling from the kiss, I threw my head back against the leather seat. Yet another moan eluded my lips. Trowa had yet to make a sound. I couldn't remember a time when he had while we made love. I asked him about it once. All he said was that his training called for him to be silent at all times.

I could feel that we both were almost at out peeks. I released first his own release soon followed. He crashed on top of me, filled with as much bliss as I was. He didn't hurt me through. In fact, he weighed less than me, so his lean frame caused no damage. I closed my eyes and listened to his slightly altered breathing. I wanted this war to end. Only then we could always be like this. We would no longer have to fight to survive. I could feel hot tears behind my eyes. The way the situation was now, it appeared
that the war would never end. I feared that neither of us would make it out alive.

As if he could sense my tortured thoughts, he slightly lifted and kissed me. I kissed him deeply, wanting to savor this moment never wanting to let go. I wanted us to be Trowa and Quatre, two young people very much in love. I didn't want our rebel realities to return. Or the fact that after this mission, we might never be together again. We parted, and I replaced my pants. As I buckled the belt, Trowa leaned over and kissed me gently. I loved the feel of his lips against mine. It felt so natural. So right. I feel I could kiss him forever. His hand rested on my neck, while I ran my fingers through his hair. Suddenly, he pulled from me and looked deeply into my eyes.

"Quatre I. . ." He didn't get a chance to finish. The truck was drown in bright white light. I could no longer see him, but I could feel him cover my body. At the same instance, I heard glass shattering all around us.

"Trowa!" He was pulled from me. I sat up and fought against the light, trying to see where he had went. All I could see were spots. The next thing I knew, a pair of rough hands grabbed me from behind. I was yanked from the truck and thrown against the cold damp grass. My arms were pulled behind me and cuffed. They caught up to us. With one harsh tug, the chain of my cuffs forced me to my feet.

I used this time to look for Trowa. My eyes were getting a little used to the bright light and I could see the intruder's shadows. The person that snatched me from the truck rammed the barrow of a gun against my back. I began to walk, not knowing what else to do. I had taken only a few steps when I saw a group of shadows near the middle of, what I thought to be, the street.

One of the shadows belonged to Trowa. They had yet to cuff him and, as usual, he refused to give up easily. I started to run in that direction. I wanted to help him, but before I could, the handle of a gun slammed against the back of my neck. The last thing I heard before surrendering to the dark, was squeeling tires and rapid gun fire.

I sat up suddenly. Sweat poured from my body as I looked around the room. I was back home. In my own room of one of my father's estates. Soft afternoon sunlight poured through the open windows. Was it all a dream? We weren't caught? My eyes shifted to my left where Trowa usually slept. He wasn't there.

"Trowa?" I called rather loudly. Silence. I pushed off the covers and attempted to stand. Upon doing so, my legs gave under my weight and I fell back against the bed. Clutching the night stand for support, I tried again with success. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that I had been laying in the bed for a few days. Once I felt my legs were strong enough, I headed toward the door. Just as I grabbed the handle, the door swung open.

Staggering back, I looked at the figure.

"Hey, glad you're awake." Duo said cheerfully. My heart dropped. Why was Duo here? Where was Trowa? It was at the instant that my legs decided to give out again. Duo caught me before I hit the ground.

"You should be resting Sunshine." He chided playfully.

"What happened? Where's Trowa?" I asked as he helped me back to the bed.

The smile on his lips waivered for a second before fully returning.

"Q, you should get some rest."

"Forget about my rest. Where's Trowa?"

"He's downstairs."

"Is he okay?" Duo stared deeply into my face and I knew then that something wasn't right. "No. . ." Tears burned my eyes. He was dead. He had to be if Duo was acting like this. He died because of me. Tears
streamed from my eyes. "He's dead, isn't he?" I felt Duo place a hand on my shoulder.

"No, he's not dead. Heero has been keeping a close eye on him." I stood up with a sudden burst of strength. I had to see him. I had to see for myself that he was okay. "Quatre, you're not in a condition to be walking
around. You took quite a beating back there." I didn't care. He stood and tried to stop me, but I pushed him away. "Quatre, look at me. . ." He grabbed either side of my face to make me look into his violet eyes. "You
can't be walking around right now. You're still too weak. Once you regain your strength, I promise I'll help you down there to see him." "If it was Heero, you would do the same." I stared at him through my tears.
"He's not in the best of shape Quatre."

"I have to see him Duo. Please either help me, or move out of the way. I refuse to stay here without seeing him." I waited for his response.

"All right." I slipped my arm over his shoulder and his snaked around my waist. It took a few minutes, but we made it downstairs and he lead me to Trowa's room. As I stepped into the room, I immeadiately saw Heero hovering over Trowa, who was laying on the bed. Heero looked up and narrowed his colbat eyes.
"I thought I told you not to bring him down here." He scolded Duo as I walked into the room.

"He's more stubborn than you at times." Duo defended. I didn't hear the rest of their conversation. My eyes were glued to Trowa. I expected him to be a little banged up, but not like this. His left arm was broken. His
chest was completely wrapped. I guess all his ribs must have been broken as well. His head had been bandaged as well. I numbly walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed. "Trowa?" My voice was choked with tears. What have I done? Why does it always seem that all I ever do is cause him pain? This was all my fault. I should be laying there like that. Not Trowa. He didn't answer me. Didn't respond to my voice. I couldn't tear my eyes from him. I did this to him.

I just had to seduce him.

"Quatre, maybe we should go back. . ."

"No!" I interrupted Duo. I didn't want to leave. I wouldn't leave him. Not like this. It looked as if he could die at any moment. "Trowa, I'm sorry." I buried my face in the pillow next to his battered one. "I'm so
sorry. Please forgive me." I felt someone touch my shoulder.

"Quatre, it's not your fault." Duo coaxed.

"Yes it is! It's all my fault! It's always because of me that he gets hurt!" I never felt such rage before. I don't know what came over me.

"Quatre, calm down." Heero stated from where he stood. I glared up at him.

"Calm down?! Calm down?! How am I supposed to calm down when I did this to him?"

"You didn't do this. The soilders that caught up to you were the ones that did it." Duo informed.

"It's my fault that they caught up! It's my fault he lost the disk! It's all because of me!" As I listened to myself, I realized that I was acting like a mad man, but it was how I felt. My vision blurred slightly from my tears. I lightly ran my fingertips along Trowa's features. "Please be all right Trowa. Please. I swear that if you do, I'll never step foot in another mobile suit. I swear I'll never hurt you again. Please just be alright." I buried my face in the hollow of his lifeless neck. "Please. . ." I sobbed.

"Quatre, let's go. You need to rest." Duo said soothingly and tried to pull me from Trowa.

"No. I'm staying with him."

"Quatre, it'll be best if you did go." Heero stated calmly. I felt myself snap. I don't know why, but Heero's voice and what he said just drove me to the deep end.

"NO HEERO! I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" The look he gave me would have scared anyone else. Anyone sane that was. I guess he wasn't used to someone standing up to him. But I didn't care. "I'm staying here! The only way you'll get me to leave is by physically removing me. And don't tell me to calm down! I'm sorry I can't be like you! I can't brush things aside and leave them the way they are!" I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes at him. Just seeing him made me even more angry. I don't know why I blew up at
him. "I'm not the perfect soilder, so if someone gets hurt, it bothers me. I care about others getting hurt. It hurts me to see others in pain. Unlike you, I don't get off on other's misery!"

"Quatre. . ." Duo called from behind me, but I ignored him. I couldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. I needed to release my anger on someone. Why not Heero? Nothing ever bothers him anyways. Suddenly I felt a slight prick on my arm. I spun around to glare at the source. Duo was holding a needle in one hand an apologic look upon his features. Sleepiness overwhelmed me and I fell against the soft bed.

"You should have seen him. I kid you not, he was challenging Heero. Heero Yuy! Heero could have easily reached over and smack the Hell out of him if he wanted. I couldn't believe he did that." Duo exclaimed in surprise. My head was pounding. I had yet to open my eyes as guilt flooded me. I remembered yelling at Heero. I shouldn't have. "Man, it even surprised Heero. He had this look on his face . . .like. . .whoa! Although you couldn't really notice it. I think I did because I know him so well. Quatre didn't seem to notice it." I couldn't help but wonder who he was talking to, but I didn't want him to know I was awake yet. I'm not sure why.

Duo laughed and I guessed he was somewhere to my left. I tried to bury my face in the pillows, but the object under my head was too hard to be pillows. It felt strangely familiar. I consentrated on the material under my cheek. It was a little too rough to be a pillow case. "I think he's waking up. The anistic I gave him must be wearing off. I'll leave now. Later." I opened my eyes in time to see a retreating braid disappear behind the door. Then a gentle hand began tenderly stroking my hair.

"Are you awake little one?" Surprise and relief washed over me as I pushed myself from the 'pillow'.

"Trowa!" My heart filled with joy as I looked into that one visible emerald. Without thinking, I threw my arms around him and hugged him as tightly as I could. He grunted a little in pain. "Easy angel." I started to pull from him. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, but he wrapped his right arm around me and kept me still. Eager to make up for hugging too tightly, I kissed him fully. At first I was afraid. Afraid he wouldn't return my love. After what happened, who would blame him. Tears streamed from my eyes as he did kiss me back. The emotion and passion behind it was no different now, than when we got ambushed. When we finally parted, he reached up and wiped the tears from my eyes. "What's this?" He asked softly, looking at me for the answer.

"Trowa. . .I'm so happy that you're okay. I'm sorry this happened to you."

"Don't blame yourself Quatre. I don't blame you."

"If I haven't. . ." Trowa gently kissed my lips. It was his way of telling me to stop talking.

"Quatre, nothing that happened the night of the mission was your fault. I don't blame you and I don't want you to blame yourself."

"But. . ." Our lips brushed.

"I love you Quatre. I loved you since I first saw you. The day you step from Sandrock, was the best day of my life. Now that I have you, I won't let you go. I will do whatever it takes to keep you by my side. No matter the cost. I don't want to lose you." I couldn't help but stare at him. He had never told me that he loved me before. Is that what he was going to say before we were caught?

"But all I ever do is cause you pain."

"It doesn't matter as long as you return my feelings Quatre. I've been in pain most of my life, I've learned to deal with it. I haven't been in love before. I want to savor it while I can." I understood what he was saying.

"I love you too Trowa." Our lips met in yet another kiss. "I'll never let you go either. I'll be here as long as you want me."

~ * ~

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