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"The Princess With The Purple Heart"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Smut, angst, AU Pairings: 1x2, Summary: Don't ask, don't tell
"The Princess With The Purple Heart" Eighteen His mother, sister and girlfriend had been waiting for him at LaGuardia airport and seeing them did bring a smile to his face. He dropped his duffel bag to the floor to hug them all properly with his one mobile arm. The three of them fretted over his injuries and babied him as he expected they would. After his previous two tours, the entire family and all of his friends had gathered at his parents' house for a party, but considering he got blown up this time around, the party had been postponed until next week and his mother drove him back to his apartment instead. Hilde was in the backseat with him, with her hand on his knee. She sported a big smile and couldn't take her eyes off him. He had trouble meeting her gaze. Being back in the real world made things as complicated as he had anticipated. He knew he needed to be honest with her – he owed her that much – but he couldn't bring himself to say anything and just kept smiling at her. His mother and sister dropped them off and Hilde led him up the stairs to their apartment. Once inside, he headed straight for the bed and slept for twelve hours, only vaguely aware of Hilde joining him, getting up at some point, and then returning to him a few hours later. Not until he had caught up on some rest did he leave the bed and went through the hassle of giving himself a sponge bath in the bathroom, since he was covered in bandages that he wasn't supposed to get wet in a few more days. By the time he was done, the sponge was black with soot left over from the explosion and Afghani sand. When he emerged from the bathroom, Hilde had been changing the sheets on the bed. She took care of him as he recovered. She cooked for him, helped him in and out of his clothes and pampered him. When she treated him to a handjob the second night, he didn't stop her, even though it didn't feel right. He also made no objections when she gave him a blowjob the next day. The spark between them had been long gone, since before Duo even left for his recent tour, but now that the time had come and there were no more excuses, ending the relationship frightened him. Inaction was much easier and much less confrontational. What was he going to do after breaking up with her? Move to San Diego to be with Heero, or ask Heero to come live with him? That was such a big and serious step to take, especially for two men who hadn't even defined if they were in a relationship, if they wanted to be and even if they had any romantic feelings for each other to begin with. And if they did, and if they were to move in together, their entire lives would change. Being in a relationship with someone of the same sex could get them discharged from the Marine Corps as long as DADT held up and they would have to out themselves to their friends and families without knowing what that would cost them. And what if, after all of that, it wouldn't work out and on top of everything else they would lose each other as well? In the real world, it wasn't as easy as crawling into each other's cots, making eyes at each other in the Mess Hall and getting cheeky during a wrestling match. In a way, the real world was more dangerous than the war zone: there were a lot of ways for a lot of people to get hurt. He kept pushing his thoughts aside, since he couldn't figure any of this out without talking to Heero first and finding out what his intentions and expectations were. Before he knew where Heero stood, it seemed daft to even consider turning his life upside down. On the fourth night in his own bed, he had sex with Hilde. It lacked the intensity that he had shared with Heero and he hated himself for the comparison, because he wasn't being fair to her. But his self-doubt led to indecision and for two weeks he pretended that nothing had changed, even though he was well aware he stood on the precipice of the biggest change of his life. … It is day 425: the rest of the unit is flying home. Duo is at his mom's, listening to her talk as she plans out their entire trip to San Diego next week. It endears him to see her so excited; excited about meeting "Hero" and about going away for a weekend with her son. "Maybe Hero can show us around," she muses as she scrolls through the webpage of a sightseeing tour of San Diego on her laptop. Duo snorts and challenges: "As you going to keep calling him 'Hero' when we get there?" "He can tell me himself how to pronounce his name, honey." "And so can I. It's 'Heero'." He tightens his mouth, he isn't prepared for the shivers saying that name elicits. "That's not the point. I just need to meet him for myself." "I know, mom. But please don't embarrass me. If you mispronounce his name, it's gonna seem like I never mentioned him, or never corrected you. Frankly, it might come across a little racist." He threw her a look. "Oh shush, I'll be perfectly well-behaved." "Alright. I'm counting on it." He fishes his phone out of his pocket with his right hand while his left hand plays with the stress ball his physical therapist has given him. He was freed from the sling just a few days earlier and his arm feels fine again, but he isn't supposed to overexert it and needs to gradually build up using it, since the dislocation has stretched the tendons and there is a risk of popping the bone out of the socket again if he pushes himself too far too soon. He is just happy he is allowed to drive again. "Expecting a call?" "Hm?" He looks up from his phone. "You keep checking your phone," she points out. "Oh. Everyone's flying home today," he explains absentmindedly and he pockets the device. "I'm hoping they'll text me, to let me know they got back safely." "You haven't heard from any of them the past two weeks?" He shakes his head and shrugs. "With only two weeks left, our privileges in the internet café were up." He jitters his leg nervously. Every time, he thinks about the fact that there could have been another attack on the compound or the unit could have gotten ambushed out in the field and he wouldn't even know about it; he wouldn't be contacted, since he's no one's next of kin. "Are the others coming to the ceremony as well?" "Maybe. I don't know." "I hope so. I'd like to meet all of them. It's so strange to me that you have all these brothers and I – as your mother – haven't even met them." He smiles at her fondly. "How are things between you and Hilde?" He shifts in his seat at the sudden change in topic. "Uhh… It's fine, we're-… Actually, I don't feel like talking about it." The past few days she's been accusing him of being distracted and she said that she felt like he wasn't entirely back from Afghanistan. She is right, part of him is still out there, with Heero and he is waiting for that piece of him to return so can put the puzzle together and finally see the bigger picture. "Duo, you know you can talk to me." She shuts her laptop and turns to face him fully. She leans in and puts her hands on his knees in such a simple yet loving gesture that it makes him want to weep and tell her that he can't stop thinking about this man, and how conflicted he is because it excites him as much as it scares him. "I know I can. But once I figure out what I want to say exactly, I should tell Hilde first. She should be the first to know. It's the least I owe her." "I worry about you," she admits with a deep sadness in her eyes. "You've been different after this tour. It wasn't like this the other two times." "I know. I'm sorry, mom. I'll be okay though, I promise." He is relieved to see her smile, even though it doesn't reach her eyes. His phone vibrates in his pocket and he quickly slides it out. He frowns at the message on the screen. Heero Yuy 12:38 09/27/10 His heart skips a beat, then it starts to thunder in his chest. "Something wrong?" His mother inquires. "Uhhh…" He can't answer as the next message appears. Heero Yuy 12:38 09/27/10 Heero has never texted him before. They never had any contact the few months between tours. An odd thought pops up: Heero never struck me as a winky-face type… "Duo," his mother insists. "No, mom, it's- it's fine. Nothing's wrong, it's just-…" he stammers. He quickly types: LaGuardia NY? It is such a stupid question, but he needs to confirm because he won't believe it otherwise. Heero is supposed to be headed home, to the other side of the country, but he's landing here instead? And he wants him to come pick him up, so that must mean it isn't just a layover, right? His mind is running rampant. Heero Yuy 12:40 09/27/10 Duo smiles. That sounds more like him. Heero Yuy 12:40 09/27/10 He lets out a chuckle and he looks up to see his mother grinning at him. "That's the son I sent off to war," she remarks and she looks relieved to see him smile like himself again. He ignores her for the moment and types back: I'll be waiting. As an afterthought he adds: In ReykjaviK. Heero Yuy 12:41 09/27/10 He slips his phone back into his pocket and gets up from his seat. "I gotta go, mom." He leans down to kiss her on her cheek. "I'll call you later, okay?" He waves her goodbye and ignores the curious question she calls after him. Duo climbs behind the wheel of his car and races to the airport, even though he has plenty of time. His every atom buzzes with a nervous and excited energy and he is too frazzled to think. He just wants to see him. It's kind of like meeting him for the first time all over again, because it will be the first time they will see each other in the real world. He doesn't even know what Heero will look like in civilian clothes. He parks his car on the third floor of the parking garage, where cars are pretty sparsely parked, since he doesn't feel like circling the lower floors for a tiny spot to squeeze his SUV into while his left arm still isn't fully mobile. The arrivals hall is crowded with people and it makes him a little antsy. He meanders through the people to get to the front and picks a spot there, so he can keep an eye on the security check. He stands with his arms folded in front of his chest, holding onto his left arm to take the weight off the shoulder. It's been a little over an hour since he received Heero's text message, but the plane still has to taxi across the tarmac to get to the gate, the passengers have to disembark and then wait for their luggage. Over half an hour later, people start pouring through the security check again, but it could be passengers from one of several planes arriving at the airport at the same time. Still, he keeps a trained eye on the security check and pays little attention to the faceless arrivals reuniting with their families and friends, even though he hears squeals of excitement around him. He tries to picture what it was going to be like when Heero would walk up to him, but he can't predict how either of them will feel and act. Everything is different in the real world. Another fifteen minutes go by, with Duo keeping his eyes trained up ahead. Heero is easy to identify. Duo spots him coming from a long distance. He is still wearing his fatigues –heavy boots, MARPAT desert pattern trousers, the faded moss green shirt and cap – his duffel bag and jacket are slung over his shoulder. Heero, however, can't pinpoint Duo in the crowd yet and he gets in line for the final security check. Duo relaxes his arms and lets them hang at his sides. He drums his fingers against his outer thighs and bounces lightly on the balls of his feet. He chuckles sheepishly at his behavior and makes a conscious effort to hold still. As Heero stands in line, an older couple standing behind him get his attention and the two take turns shaking his hand. Duo can't hear what they are saying, the exchange is too far away, but he knows how conversations like this go. He gets it all the time as well when he wears his uniform in public; strangers – especially older people – come up randomly to thank him for his service to his country. He watches Heero smile and nod politely and then the Corporal steps forward because it's his turn. The customs agent goes through the same song and dance with him after checking his passport, even standing up so he can reach over the high counter to shake his hand. Just like Duo never knows what to say, Heero doesn't know what to say either, so he sticks with the same practiced smile and nod. It's not that they don't appreciate the show of gratitude, but it's awkward because they don't feel like anyone owes them a thank you. The Corporal pockets his passport, adjusts his hold on his bag and walks by security with a final tip of his cap. His eyes scan the crowd of people and Duo raises his right hand in a halfhearted wave to help the man find him. Duo watches Heero's face light up and his pace slows momentarily before quickening as he makes a beeline towards him. His strides are large and determined. That bright smile never fades and Duo lets out an anxious breath before smiling back. Here he is. In the real world. Duo's real world. The distance between them is closed and when Heero is only one more step away from him, he drops his bag and jacket to the floor and doesn't think twice about pulling him into a hug. Duo wraps his arms around him tightly in return, even though he is aware of the people around them. But a hug should be perceived as innocent enough, even though it lingers longer than a hug between two men probably should. He touches his nose to Heero's neck and breathes in his scent. He smells of sunscreen, the desert, that generic shampoo Duo misses and coconut oil – which he apparently has found a use for beyond lubrication, or maybe he did it on purpose, as a subtle message. They release and Heero takes his cap off and ruffles his hand through his hair to style it more playfully. "One, two, three, four," Duo says, counting his friend's limbs. "I can last two weeks without you," he banters and then adds with a different tone: "Barely." He studies Duo's face and Duo studies his. Heero smiles at what he sees. That smile. That smile. It looks even better out here in the real world. It makes Duo feel even better. "How was it?" The Lance Corporal tries to keep a casual conversation going. It's weird when it shouldn't be. "Most boring two weeks of my life." Heero picks up his bag and the two of them start in the direction of the parking garage. "How are you doing?" "I'm fine. Healing well." "Growing a beard?" Duo scratches his fingers through the stubble on his jaw self-consciously. "Nah. Just… wasn't expecting any guests." "I like it though." "Yeah?" It's an odd admission and Duo is unsure how to react. "Yeah, looks good. Manly," he jokes and he chuckles at himself before casting his gaze down. Along the way they are approached two times by strangers conveying their appreciation to Heero and he accepts it in stride. "The ceremony is going to be weird," Heero states as they follow the foot overpass that crosses the highway and connects the terminal with the parking structure. "It's going to be a full day of this; people acting like I'm the most special guy in the world." Duo nods in understanding. He'd feel awkward being at the center of attention too. But Heero deserves the praise, since he is the most special guy in the world, as far as Duo is concerned. Their arms brush as they walk, from their shoulders down to their hands. When they enter the quiet parking garage, Duo feels Heero's fingers flex and touch his more deliberately. He seems to be testing the waters, thinking about connecting their hands. Once they reach the third floor, they are all alone. On their way to Duo's car, parked all the way in the back, Heero's knuckles brush his more purposefully, to announce his intentions, and then he laces their fingers together. Duo's heart races and he keeps his gaze focused up ahead, resisting the urge to look down to see what their hands look like, folded together like that, or look sideways at Heero. The man's hand is warm and dry. The palm is course, the same as Duo's. Their hands fit together well. The grip is loose and easy. They are halfway to the car when Duo notices Heero looking around them and then the hand squeezes his and pulls at him until Duo ends up with his back against a parked van and Heero presses himself up against him. Their entwined hands are between their chests and Duo can feel both their heartbeats. Heero's free hand is cupping his face and he captures Duo's lips in a kiss. The taller man is shocked at first and his gaze flits around them, but there is no one else to see and to see them. He relaxes and melts into the kiss, which he allows Heero to dominate. The screech of tires as a car comes up the ramp to the third floor has them breaking apart before anyone sees them. Heero grins at him with mischievous eyes and Duo mirrors the expression. He blushes when Heero reiterates: "I really like the scruff." They reach Duo's car and Heero puts his bag in the trunk and climbs into the passenger seat. They don't talk again until Duo steers the car onto the highway. "God, it's weird to be back," the newly arrived soldier states. "I know, right?" He bites his lip before asking: "What are you doing here? Isn't your family expecting you?" "They can last another week without me." Duo raises his eyebrows at the offhanded remark. "A week? You- you want to stay the week?" "Yeah. I figured we could fly out to San Diego together. You and your mom are still coming, right?" He flashes a smirk. "For sure. We booked our tickets this afternoon." His gaze darts from one car to the next. An entire week? He feels like he's a kid again, being shoved into the deep end of the pool by a group of bullies, before he could swim. He had always wanted to swim, but he never wanted to have to swim, before he was ready. "You don't mind, right?" "Of course not." No, he didn't mind. He was happy to see Heero, but him staying the entire week meant he had a lot to figure out and fast too, because if that kiss was any indication, they weren't going to ease back into it. How is he going to handle Hilde? And his mother will want to meet him as soon as she gets wind that he's here – how is he going to introduce him and explain that Heero postponed reuniting with his family to spend the week with Duo? "Are you hungry? You wanna go grab a bite to eat?" He has to say something. "I'd like a shower first and change out of these clothes, if that's alright." "Totally. We'll go straight to my place then." Thank God Hilde is at work and will be going out to dinner with friends right after. But soon enough it's going to be a headache juggling the two of them until he finds the right time to have a talk with both. "And then… maybe dinner, somewhere?" The tentative suggestion sounds a lot like Heero asking him out on a date. A little grin tugs at the corner of his mouth. He likes it, even though the whole situation still scares the shit out of him. "Okay." "Did you hear anything about Lindsey and Flint?" The change of topic grounds him, reminding him that there are more serious things going on in the real world. "Yeah, I've kept in touch. Flint is okay, his arm will recover fully and he's home now. Lindsey is still in Bethesda to get treatment for his burns. He is going to be scarred, but other than that he got lucky." Heero breathes a sigh of relief. "That's good." Duo simply nods. He doesn't like thinking about it, it makes him nauseous. "He's a strong kid; he's going to be okay." "I think so too." But it won't be easy. "And Follander? Did he get a Bad Conduct Discharge?" "Actually, no. But he'll be stuck doing paperwork for the rest of his military career." "That's better than BCD. He got lucky too." "He did." He chuckles wryly. "Worst tour ever and we somehow all end up scraping by." "Yeah, we got lucky too," Heero says poignantly. He turns his head to look at Duo. "I consider myself very lucky." Duo isn't sure if he's talking about surviving his shooting with his liver intact or if he's hinting at the thing that has blossomed between them. He feels Heero's hand on his knee and casts a look down. That's when he notices the black beaded bracelet on his wrist and he gets the impression Heero meant the latter of the two options and it makes him feel warm and light. "Me too." They really need to talk, but not in the car. He parks his car in the garage under his building and offers to carry Heero's bag, since he must be tired after his long flight, but the Corporal scoffs and shoulders it himself. "Home sweet home," Duo announces after unlocking the door and stepping aside to let Heero go inside first. He studies Heero as the man looks around himself, appraising the apartment. It's not much and most of the furniture was picked out by Hilde while Duo was away on one of his tours, but for better or worse, it's his home-base. He closes the door behind him and takes a moment for the fact to sink in that Corporal Heero Yuy is in his apartment. His "BSF" has stepped into his real world. For the first time he has to consider if, now that Heero was part of his real world, he deserved the moniker "BFF" over his childhood friend. He probably did. Heero knew him better than anyone. Being brothers in arms they were kindred spirits and that bonded them more than even a lifetime of lunches, coffees, movies, barbeques and game nights could. But what about the title "boyfriend"? "I like it," Heero concludes and faces Duo again. "I feel a little awkward though. This is all new." Duo smiles, grateful that he isn't the only one. "Yeah." "Can I take that shower first? I have sand everywhere and I stink." "You smell great," he counters dreamily. "…You smell like coconut." Heero cocks his head and smirks. Duo snaps out of it and directs Heero to the bathroom: down the hall, second door to the left. Heero digs a change of clothes out of his bag and heads for the bathroom. "Clean towels are under the sink!" He calls after him. He hears the door close but not lock, then the water is turned on and soon after he hears Heero exclaim: "Ohh, yeah." After pacing back and forth in the living room for a while, he decides to make himself useful and he goes into the kitchen to brew a pot of strong coffee. Heero is going to need the caffeine if he doesn't want to crash the way Duo did after arriving home. You never truly realize how exhausting tour is until after you come home. It's like the body becomes aware that it's in a safe space and it switches off the survivor-mode you've been in for over a year and leaves you running on a battery that hasn't been charged since you left for war. He wants Heero to get the rest he needs, but now that he is here, their talk takes priority. Duo needs to figure out what they both see for their future, so he can adjust accordingly. He wants to try being with Heero, but he's afraid of all of the consequences they are going to face and he needs the other man's reassurance that they are both invested in this and that – whatever the outcome will be – it will be worth the risk. The water is shut off just as the coffee machine beeps and stops the steady drizzle into the half-full pot. Duo thinks to check his fridge for food, in case Heero is hungry and might like a snack before they head out for dinner in a little while. He doesn't have much, but he can make him a sandwich, or he can have chips or chocolate if that better suits his cravings. Duo always gets mad cravings for food after the end of tour, but he has no idea what Heero's end-of-tour ritual and experience is like and how to play into that. Heero rounds the corner and steps into view. His hair is still wet as he couldn't be bothered taking the time to properly towel-dry himself. He looks entirely different – a lot younger, boy-next-door, completely unintimidating and smaller, somehow – dressed in all-American blue jeans and a plain T-shirt. Duo is struck with the uncontrollable urge to hug him and he gives into it. In two steps he is in front of him and he envelopes him in his arms. Heero lets out a soft moan against his chest and he melts into the embrace and wraps his arms around the taller man, locking his hands at the small of his back. "I've missed you," Heero whispers and makes no move to disentangle himself. "Missed you too," he mumbles in response. "Told you I would." "I didn't like being on base without you at all," the other discloses. "And then I realized I didn't like the thought of going home, where you aren't either, any more. I had to come see you." "I'm glad you did." He pulled back enough to look at him. Heero tugs at his bottom lip with his teeth. "…I want you to kiss me." Duo happily heeds his request and connects their mouths. It's very different from their kiss in the parking lot. This time, the movement of their lips and tongue is sweet and loving. Duo pets his right hand through Heero's wet hair and places his left hand along his jaw, rubbing his thumb back and forth over his cheek in a gentle caress. Heero leans against him heavily and his fingers explore the expanse of Duo's back, not light enough to be ticklish, but causing him to shiver. After a while, those hands slips under his shirt and the skin-to-skin contact has Duo sighing. Kissing him and touching him feels just as great in the real world as it did at Camp Sharana. He doesn't think he'll ever get enough of the other man. "Bedroom?" Heero suggests. Heat flares through his body at the simple word. "Don't you want to talk first? I have a lot I need to say." "Me too. But let's first do the show portion of the show-and-tell." "Hmmm…" He asserts control over the kiss, having Heero tilt his head so he can plunder his mouth. He breathes in sharply through his nose, not wanting their lips to part. Maybe talking can wait just a little while longer… "I want you inside me…" He groans. His arousal springs to life at that confession. Talking will definitely have to wait. One hand navigates down and he presses the fingers into the cleft of Heero's ass and snakes deeper between his legs until he can feel the heat from his groin. Heero bucks his hips against him and claws at his back. Their kiss is interrupted as they both chuckle to relieve the tension they feel. Duo puts both hands on Heero's ass cheeks and steadies himself to prepare to lift him up and carry him to the bedroom, but he freezes at a metallic, jingling sound at the other side of the front door. A key is inserted into the lock and the door opens. Standing in the center of the kitchen, they can't be seen from the front door. Heero doesn't know who it could be, but Duo does. Thankfully, the Japanese-American detaches himself and takes a step back before Hilde rounds the corner. She peeks into the kitchen with a quizzical expression, perhaps sensing the tense reaction to her presence, although she couldn't possible know what she has walked in on. Her gaze darts to the camouflage duffel bag on the floor and then back at Heero and her face lights up. "Oh my God! You must be Heero!" She exclaims. Heero throws a look over his shoulder at Duo and by the time he faces forward again he is caught off guard by Hilde giving him a welcoming hug. "I've heard so much about you!" "Alright," Heero responds tersely. It has yet to click with him who he is faced with. During tour, Duo talked so much about how he had to break up with his Hilde as soon as he returned from tour, that Heero might assume the woman in front of him has to be his sister, not his girlfriend. Duo's heart has leapt up into his throat, constricting him. He tries to swallow it down, not able to speak until he will manage. He watches Heero initiate a handshake with her. "Nice to meet you." She shakes his hand enthusiastically, wanting to be proper. "Very! I'm Hilde, obviously. I'm guessing you figured that out already." She is so genuinely happy to see him, because she knows how worried Duo has been for the soldier's safety since having to leave him behind in Afghanistan two weeks earlier. She knows how much it means to Duo for the man to be safely stateside again. She knows Heero is the reason Duo hasn't been himself the past two weeks, although she doesn't know the extent of the why. With Heero standing in front of Duo, Duo can't see his face, but he sees his shoulders tense up. "I'm sorry, I wish I could stay and chat with you and get all the dirty 'scuttlebutt' about Lance Corporal Maxwell, but I have to go," Hilde rambles on and she looks to Duo, "Marjorie is waiting for me in the car, downstairs, I just came up to get-… Well, it's been a long day and I need to restock my bag with 'lady essentials'," she continues unabashedly. "Right, yeah, I know. And you have dinner with the girls, I remember," he says stiffly. Neither of the two men say anything as Hilde scampers into the bathroom where she noisily rips open a drawer to grab a handful of tampons. Heero won't even face him. She returns sporting a sheepish smile and leans in to plant a kiss on her boyfriend's mouth, making an exaggerated "muah"-sound and then laughs as she wipes her red lipstick off his lips. Duo is completely shell-shocked by the entire situation and can't even move. "I'll be back later tonight. Heero, I really hope you're staying in New York for a while, I can't wait to get to know the man behind the legend." "Actually, I'm only here because of a layover. I'm flying home tonight," he declares and Duo winces at the change of plans. "Oh, no. That's too bad." She pouts. "Maybe I can come to your ceremony next week? I'm still trying to negotiate with my boss to give me the time off." She lets out an exasperated sigh and then remembers that her friend is waiting for her. "I gotta fly. I'll see you later tonight, babe. Heero, it was really nice finally putting a face to the name." "You too." She waves goodbye and then leaves as quickly and as energetically as she entered. The door slams shut behind her. Duo takes a breath and reaches out for Heero's shoulder. "Heero-" The man flinches at the touch and shakes the hand off his shoulder. He crosses his arms in front of his chest defensively and looks up at Duo from underneath an angry and upset frown. "I'm sorry." It's not enough, but it's how he has to start. Heero throws in his face what Duo has been telling him for months: "You were going to break up with her." "I know. I was going to tell her, when the times was right and I knew what to say." "And when were you going to tell me that you hadn't yet?" "When-… when the time was right." Heero scoffs at the weak answer. "It's just been so trippy being sent home early and my head has been a mess. All I've been thinking about is you and that I needed to talk with you first." "Yeah? All you've been thinking about it me?" He challenges with a quirk of his eyebrow. "Even while playing house with her? And having sex with her?" He is speechless. He feels horrible. "You've been having sex with her, right?" There was no point to denying it. He nods, shamefully, and casts his gaze down at his feet. Heero hugs his arms tighter to his body, instinctively shielding himself from a threat that he can't protect himself against. His jaw is clenched in anger and betrayal. "Why? To tide yourself over until I got back, or because you've decided you like pussy better after all?" He snaps his head up at Heero's biting remark. "Don't talk about her like that. She doesn't deserve to be reduced to just a hole to stick my dick in. You can't turn this around. I've been cheating on her with you, not the other way around." "Oh, fuck you, Duo!" He yells and he unfolds his arms to point at him angrily. "So I'm just 'the other woman' now?" "That's not what I'm saying!" He tries. "I'm saying you're not the only one getting hurt by this situation. I've been waiting to talk to you before I break her heart." "But you we're going to break up with her anyway! You've been saying that long before we started fucking around." Duo recoils at the phrase. "Fucking around?" He questions. "Is that what this has been to you?" Heero pushes at his chest and Duo seeks purchase on the edge of the counter to steady himself. "Of course not!" "How am I supposed to know that? See? That's why it was important for us to talk first. It was your idea to hold off on figuring this thing out until we both got home from tour," he reminded him. "Then what the fuck was this about?" Heero holds up his arm, displaying the bracelet on his wrist. "You said I was yours. I thought that meant something. I sure as Hell assumed that meant you were mine as well." "It will if you still want it." "Except you've been hers for the past two weeks. No, you've been hers all along and I'm just the 'mistress'." Duo shakes his head vehemently. "I haven't been hers in a long time. I should have ended it with Hilde right away, but I just wanted to be able to be honest with her when I break up with her. I wasn't going to tell her that the spark is gone and have her find out through mutual friends later that I'm with a man, if that would be the case. And I wasn't going to tell her I've been with someone else if that wouldn't amount to anything anyway. I owe her the truth, but I haven't been able to figure out what the fucking truth is!" He throws his hands up in desperation. "I didn't know what you wanted from me, from us - for us. It would be different here. It wouldn't be as easy as just sneaking into each other's cots, here in the real world it would be a real relationship. We'd have to tell our friends and families, we'd have to figure out if one of us wants to move across the country." He took a deep breath as he ran out of air and became red-faced. "Over here, it's all-in and I assumed that'd scare you as much as it does me. I didn't know if we wanted 'all-in'. I don't know how I feel and I don't know how you feel." Heero snorts and rolls his eyes up to the ceiling. "You can fucking spell 'Reykjavik', but you have to have everything else spelled out for you?" Duo slumps his shoulders with a deep exhale, communicating how lost and confused he is. It seems to anger Heero further. The man grits his teeth, trying to keep his emotions bottled up, but then he bursts: "I'm in love with you, you asshole!" His eyes widen at his own words. He clearly hadn't meant to confess as much. "Shit!" Heero berates himself. It strikes Duo like lightning. It's exactly what he wants to hear, but the whole situation is so wrong that he doesn't know how to salvage it. He stands there with a shocked expression on his face. "Don't look so fucking stupid," Heero growls at him. "I really didn't know. I didn't dare to hope." "Fuck you." He runs his hand through his hair and bemoans: "Oh, God, but I'm the stupid one, aren't I?" He calms his voice. "You're not stupid." "Well, I feel fucking stupid." The other lowers his hand and glares at the black bracelet. "I thought this was the most romantic gesture, that it meant that you loved me. That you knew that you loved me. I had all these wild ideas about what it was going to be like. Of course I knew it would be tough, working at a relationship, but I thought you were telling me that you were certain we'd be worth the trouble. I wasn't scared and I thought you weren't either. But now it's like…" he shrugs and he has the most heartbreaking, dejected look on his face. "You weren't making me any promises. All it is are 'maybe's' and 'guess so's', and I read way too much into it." He slips the bracelet off his wrist and puts it down on the counter. He fingers it idly before sliding it further away from him. "I wasn't sure, but I am sure now," he stresses. "I want us to try to make this work." "Because I threw a fit in front of you and you don't want to see me hurting," Heero snaps. "You never want to hurt people, because you can't stand being the bad guy." The way he says it makes it sound like a bad thing. "You never broke up with Hilde because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. And now what? You figure you might as well be with me because you don't want to hurt me?" He scoffs and wraps his arms around himself again. "Go be Hilde's hero, Duo." He walks around the breakfast bar and picks his bag up from the floor. "Heero, I'm sorry. Please give me a chance to make this right." "I'm doing you a favor, Duo. Now you don't have to face your fears and you don't have to come clean to Hilde… You may have stepped between me and a bomb, but you're a Goddamn coward." He hoists the strap of his bag over his shoulder and he heads for the door. "Please don't go," Duo tries and his heart skips a beat when Heero pauses in the door opening. He sighs and looks down at his feet. "You know, you could have stopped me, with just three words. But those aren't it." He takes a step and closes the door behind him. He knows what Heero means and he realizes the Corporal is right: he is a coward. He didn't say those three words, not because he didn't feel that way, but because he was afraid they wouldn't make a difference anyway, not anymore, and he was looking out to protect his own feelings as much as he always wanted to protect anyone else from getting hurt. As a soldier, he was fearless, but as a man, he lacked bravery. At war, he was like fire, blazing a path. At home, he was like water, yielding to every obstacle. Hilde comes home later that evening to find him in a near catatonic state. And when he falls asleep that night, the nightmare of Heero sinking into the red sand returns.
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