"The Neon Spectrum"

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not profit.

Rating:

Warnings: Angst! Drama! Hurt/Comfort elements! Language! Sexual confusion/identity crisis! Gender identity crisis! Homophobia! Transphobia! Violence (non-explicit)! SEX (explicit)! Minor Dom/Sub Dynamic (honestly so mild it might not even be worth mentioning)!

Pairings: 2x1, 3x4

Summary: Duo finds out life isn't black and white when he realizes he's in love with his gay roommate. But Heero has no interest in dating a 'straight' man while he struggles with his own identity.

AN: This story explores the sexuality spectrum as well as the gender spectrum. That means this story includes a Gender-Bending/Genderqueer/Gender-Fluid/Non-Binary Gender Identity character (read: feminization and crossdressing). If that is not something you are open to, please skip this story.

If you decide to read this story, please remember that the featured characters are individuals and are not written to represent an entire group of people. I'm not making any statements on what it means to be queer or gender queer. Neither sexuality nor gender identity can be generalized across people – it's different for everyone – and this story is about the experiences of two individuals. I don't mean any disrespect, to anyone, and I hope I've handled the subject with the sensitivity that it deserves.

Beta: Shima Yi (Thanks so much for doing this!)

"The Neon Spectrum"

Not limited to black and white.

Not dulled to shades of gray.

The spectrum is neon.

Chapter THREE - Plus One

"So what fabulous place did Quatre fly off to this time? Bermuda? Bora Bora? Fiji?" Hilde joked as they decided on a table in the back of the restaurant.

"He's at home." Duo took a seat and routinely rearranged the clutter of a candle, the menus, the salt and pepper shakers and the condiments on the table. He looked up in time to see her quirk an eyebrow at him.

"Quatre is in town yet you called me?" She mused with a mocking tone. "Did you guys have a fight or something?"

He shook his head; before he could explain, the waiter appeared at their table to take their drink order. Once he scurried off to wait on other guests, Duo said: "We're fine, but I have some stuff going on that he doesn't seem to want to be a part of."

"Meddling-Quatre doesn't want to be a part of something? Is it something illegal?" Hilde joked.

"Not illegal, but forbidden."

"Heero," she surmised, having heard the brief version of the story before.

"Yeah."

"So what's Quatre's deal?"

Duo shrugged. "He doesn't want to get caught in the middle - conflict of interest and all. Heero is his friend too. I also suspect that he's keeping a secret on Heero's behalf, and he's afraid it might burst out of him if he gets involved. Like, he wants to tell me - to help me understand - but he can't betray his trust."

"You think it might be a dark and dirty secret?"

"I don't know; maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, but I can't stop thinking about it and Quatre keeps avoiding my questions."

"Hm..." Hilde accepted her coffee from the waiter who appeared at their table again, and stirred Sweet 'n Low into it thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry." Duo took the first sip of his Frappuccino. "You also didn't ask to be dragged into this."

Hilde waved her spoon dismissively. "Please, secrets and intrigue? That's my jam." She comically sang: "Tell me more, tell me more."

"I don't know, but it has to be something big," he said, scratching at his chin in thought. "He said I didn't know Heero well enough to know how I feel about him, and then he said that Heero's been dealing with some things... The way he put it made it seem like if I knew this secret, I would feel differently about Heero."

"And how do you feel about Heero? Exactly?"

"I'm fucking in love with him," he blurted and stared at her, waiting for a similarly doubtful reaction like he had received from Quatre and Heero.

Hilde just smiled. "I love being right."

Duo snorted. "Yeah, this is great," he said sarcastically. "If you just hadn't opened your damn mouth-"

"We'd be sitting here still talking about that sock you lost."

He let out a laugh but then whined pathetically: "Everything is so complicated now. What am I supposed to do? Heero and I are finally on good terms again, but this is all based on him thinking that I'm falling out of love with him. If I try to act on my feelings, our ceasefire will be over and everything will go to shit." He buried his hands in his hair. "Him and his goddamn rules."

Hilde put aside her coffee cup and leaned in close across the table, sporting a mischievous grin. "You know Duo, you are a pretty lovable guy."

"Thanks, Hil, but it's too late for us now," he deadpanned.

She rolled her eyes at his dry humor. "I'm saying that, maybe, if you play your cards right, you could get Heero to bend the rules for you."

He shook his head at the idea. "Yeah, I'm sure getting him to fall in love with me is super easy."

"You are an easy guy to love, Duo," she argued in all seriousness. "And pretty much impossible to hate; a fact, I think, Heero has already discovered. You practically called him a whore and he's forgiven you, for God's sake."

Duo flinched. "Please don't remind me of that."

Hilde continued: "You said that Heero thought you were gay when you first met and that he was interested, right?"

"Yes," he answered with a blush.

"Now he knows that you are interested in him, so the seed has already been planted." Hilde let her voice dip, like she was sharing a devilish master-plan with him.

Duo simply laughed again at her antics. "You're crazy..."

"Duo, you are hot and sweet and funny," she insisted. It was weird for her to be complimenting him so much; usually, they playfully insulted each other. "Heero isn't blind, nor is he stupid."

"Well, he's been living with this hot, sweet and funny guy for four years and nothing has happened."

"Because he thought you were straight; because you both thought you were straight! You were unavailable to him in the past, but not anymore. I bet he's looked back on the past four years differently now, remembering all the nice things you've done for him, remembering all your dinners together. The context is different now."

Duo chuckled impishly.

"Don't laugh!" She chastised him. "Remember the last time we were sitting in this very restaurant?" She looked at him smugly. "I told you something about your relationship with Heero that put everything in a new perspective for you, and made you become aware of feelings you never even knew you had. You might have done the same to Heero."

"You're awfully optimistic," he observed. "And I want to believe you, I really do..." He shot a desperate look up at her. "But I'm afraid I can't afford that kind of optimism."

She tilted her head sympathetically.

"It's been a while since I've been in a position where I can get hurt..." He paused to chew on the inside of his cheek. He sat back and with a sigh he admitted: "I guess I can't even blame Heero for his rules, because it sucks being in a place where you're vulnerable. I can understand wanting to avoid that, wanting to protect yourself."

"But Duo, how does anybody live life without putting themselves in that place? None of us know what's up ahead, and who or what is going to hurt us, but we all have to take chances if we want to find the people and the things that will make us happy." She reached out for his hand. "And if you ask me, ruling out an entire group of people to protect yourself seems like a poor strategy because there is no guarantee that he won't get hurt again; there is only the guarantee that he is missing out." She squeezed his hand for emphasis and finished: "Something great."

"Thanks." Duo cleared his throat, being overwhelmed with emotions. "Thank you, for being such a great friend."

"Sure thing." Hilde sat back and snatched the menu off the table. With a grin, she wondered absentmindedly as she regarded the options: "You're paying again this time, right?"

He smiled and reached for the other menu on the table. He deadpanned: "Yeah, I guess you've earned it."

"Damn right I did." They placed their orders and as they waited for their lunch to be served, Hilde inquired: "So what are the plans for your B-day?"

Duo made a face. He didn't want to have to think about his birthday celebration - Quatre kept pestering him about it too, although maybe just as a means-to-an-end, to distract him from the situation with Heero. He didn't have any previous qualms with getting older, but as the date drew nearer, and with his life a hopeless mess, he realized he was not looking forward to it. As a kid, he used to believe he'd be a fully functioning adult at age twenty, with his life in order and everything figured out - about himself, about the world. He quickly learned those expectations were false, and throughout his twenties, he hoped that thirty would be the age by which time everything had fallen into place. It was scary to admit that those hopes were in vain; in fact, he felt less in charge of own life and less aware of his own identity than he did at twenty-five, even if he might have been completely misled by the last of youthful naiveté at that age.

He shrugged his shoulder noncommittally and asked: "I don't know. Are you free?"

"Of course I am. Isn't Quatre organizing something?"

"I fear a surprise party might be brewing."

"You sound thrilled."

"I don't feel like celebrating. What's special about being a year older anyway? 'Yay! You didn't die this year! Congratulations on looking both ways before crossing the street, and well done not getting a lethal disease, even though you have no control over that'..." he mocked bitterly.

"Wow... Mister President of the Pity-Party Committee over here..." She laughed at her own joke. "Does your reluctance have anything to do with worrying about whether Heero will show up this year?"

He glared at her. "No, I didn't even think of that, but now I will. Thanks."

Hilde innocently batted her eyelashes at him, and then squealed in delight when the waiter arrived with their lunch.

Quatre gave him his birthday present two days early - the leather jacket Duo had been eying at the store during one of their shopping trips - making it plainly clear that a surprise party was happening, even though his birthday was on a Thursday. Supposedly he would just be going out to dinner with Quatre, Trowa and Hilde, but Quatre was way too giddy giving him that amazing leather jacket, and suggesting that it would be a great look for his birthday.

Duo did as instructed: he paired the jacket with a grey, plaid button-up and black jeans, and his fanciest pair of shoes - another birthday gift from his friend a few years earlier. He headed into the bathroom to spray on some cologne, but Heero was already standing at the sink in the small space, fussing over his hair. His roommate had casually congratulated him that morning and that had been it, leading Duo to believe that he wasn't coming to this party Quatre was obviously throwing him. It was clear that the Japanese man was getting ready for something. Duo watched from the doorway and let his eyes trail up from his favorite pair of booties, along the slender legs dressed in black skinny jeans - tight enough to be confused for leggings - to the oversized, grey, cowl neck sweater that was long enough to be a short dress. He had on a lot of rings and his fingernails were painted black.

Duo went rigid as he was caught staring and made eye contact with Heero in the mirror. Heero's hands stilled by his face as he had been rearranging his bangs. Unable to deny that he had been appraising his looks, Duo owned up to it and said mildly: "You look nice." It was such an understatement it was practically offensive.

Heero's smile was shy and sweet. "Thanks." He brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes and dropped his hands to his sides.

"Where are you headed?" He grinned.

"I have a date."

His smile faltered but he managed to fake enthusiasm. "Oh, that's great. Anyone special?"

"Maybe. I've known him for a while, but we've only gone out a couple of times." Heero shrugged. "It seems promising."

"That's good," he said dumbly and his upper lip curled in disgust at his own awkwardness.

"Did you need something?" Heero asked as Duo kept idling in the doorway.

"Oh, yeah, can I-... just-..." He stepped into the small space and maneuvered around the other to reach into one of the cabinets. He grabbed the bottle of cologne from his assigned shelf - the top shelf because Heero was too short to reach that shelf anyway.

He was about to spritz the cologne on his neck when Heero exclaimed: "Ew! Please do that somewhere else. I don't want to smell like you all night."

Duo's feelings would have been hurt if not for the disarming smile that he caught sight of in the mirror. He smirked back at him. "Sorry." He stepped out into the hallway to apply the cologne, and then went in to put it back, cheekily brushing by his roommate in the cramped bathroom. "Have fun tonight."

"You too. At your 'dinner'."

The American laughed. "Yeah, Quatre is really Captain Obvious. He couldn't even resist giving me my present early so I could wear it to the party." He smoothed his hands over the front of the stylish jacket.

"It's nice though. It looks good on you."

Duo's eyes sparkled at the compliment, and at having Heero's gaze slowly roll up and down the length of his body. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Just suck in that beer-gut." Heero barely managed to finish his sentence before he burst out laughing.

Duo confidently patted his flat, toned stomach. "I'll try to remember." He lingered in the doorway again; he should go but he didn't want to, quite content watching his roommate glow in the bright overhead lights of the bathroom. He shook his head at himself. "Bye. I'll see you later."

"Later." Heero waved halfheartedly, no longer even paying attention to him. He leaned into his reflection and applied lip balm with the tip of his ring finger, his features pinched together in focus.

Duo dragged his heavy feet downstairs and took an Uber to Quatre's mansion. If the jacket and his friend's nervousness weren't already enough of a hint, the fact that Quatre suggested they meet at his house - when it was completely out of the way and isolated in its location - would have been a dead give-away anyway. He climbed out of the car and approached the front door of the sprawling estate, putting on a brave face before ringing the doorbell. He practiced his surprise in the pause between the elegant chimes of bells echoing through the foyer and the door being opened; it took a while.

Quatre pulled the front door open, looking flustered; he sounded a little out of breath as he playfully accused Duo of being early. The tall man grinned, bemused by the thought of Quatre panicking at the sound of the bell and urging everyone to hide and be quiet.

"Come in." Quatre stepped aside to let him in.

"Shouldn't we just head out?" He acted, throwing a thumb over his shoulder.

"Well, you're early, so-... I'm not ready yet," Quatre struggled to say. "You can wait in the living room." He gestured towards the archway in the opposite wall leading into the main living space, which was - inexplicably - cloaked in total darkness. Quatre's eyebrow twitched when, from the darkness, a stifled laugh sounded.

"Oh, I don't mind waiting in the hallway," Duo said to stress out his friend.

"For God's sake Duo, just take a seat on the damn couch," the shorter, blond man demanded and he pushed Duo towards the black archway.

"Okay, okay." He raised his hands in surrender and stepped into the darkness of the living room. He could hear people breathing; he could see a cluster of party balloons by the window that was outlined by the white moonlight; and he could feel the tension in the air.

Suddenly the lights were switched on and a crowd of people, mostly unknown to the birthday boy, bellowed: "Happy Birthday!"

He dutifully acted out his surprise and excitement before he was rushed by Hilde who gave him a tight hug and whispered in his ear: "And the Oscar goes to..." She pulled away with a smirk.

Next to embrace him was Quatre. "Are you surprised?"

"Utterly," Duo lied.

"Really?"

"Wholly."

Quatre punched his shoulder. "Oh, you fucking liar!" But he laughed and stepped aside so Trowa could hug and congratulate him.

Duo felt a little anxious as he was swarmed by the crowd. Everyone shook his hand and patted his shoulder, and some leaned in for an uncomfortable hug, even though he had no idea who they were. He recognized some casual friends, acquaintances and co-workers - like Jamie - but he could count the number of familiar faces on his hands. Everyone else was filler: people from Quatre's extensive social circle, who were always down for a party and free drinks.

Duo mingled for as long as he could stand it, and for as long as he knew that Quatre's eyes were trained on him, making sure he was fulfilling his part. At the earliest opportunity, he snuck away before being cornered by a group of Quatre's colleagues, and went to look for Hilde; he swiftly found her exactly where he expected her to be: at the bar.

The bartender prepared him a fancy cocktail at his request, putting up a show with the shaker, and dramatically popping in a tiny umbrella and a piece of fruit at the end.

"I didn't see Heero," Hilde remarked; she had to raise her voice to be heard over the music that just started playing.

"No," Duo tried not to let his disappointment be too obvious. "He's on a date."

"He's seeing someone?"

"Apparently."

She looked into her half-empty drink. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." Duo downed his drink in three big gulps and waved the bartender over again. He finished the second drink just as quickly, ignoring Hilde's concerned stare.

Before he could order his third - and instruct the bartender to make it stronger - Hilde tugged on his arm and pleaded: "Come dance with me."

He looked around the room. "No one is dancing."

"So? They would if I asked them. I'm pretty irresistible." She pouted her lips and put her hands on her hips, drawing attention to how snugly her little black dress fit her.

"Yeah, you are," he concurred with a laugh, and then accepted the hand she offered him. He followed her to a small open space in front of the DJ's set-up and shamelessly danced with her, since it was the perfect excuse to not have to talk to anybody else.

After a few songs, more people joined them, Quatre and Trowa being the first; before long, the living room became an actual dance floor and the crowd swallowed them up. Duo and Hilde skipped two or three songs to get another drink at the bar, but went back to the dance floor shortly afterward. The music was like a continuous melody as each track blended seamlessly from one to the next.

They danced closer and closer together, until eventually Duo's hands were on Hilde's waist and her arms were around his neck. She felt tiny in his hold and smelled sweet, not just of her perfume, but also of the sugary drink she kept requesting. He regretted not falling in love with her, at Coachella or at any given time in the past six years. His life would have looked so different at his thirtieth birthday if he had. It would have been so much easier.

He leaned in and kissed her. Because it was easy. Her dark lipstick would stain his lips but he wasn't really thinking. He deepened the kiss.

She let him. Because it was easy. He moved his hands up to cup her face and he felt her short hair at her ears and at the nape of her neck. He couldn't resist digging his fingers into the hair, imagining it to be chocolate brown and wild.

He didn't want easy. He wanted the thrill of the unknown and the unpredictable. He wanted Heero - his capricious attitude, his softness and his hardness, without ever knowing in advance what you were going to get.

As soon as he realized what he was doing, he ended the kiss and retreated his hands. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," he said, hoping she could read his lips because his voice was definitely too weak to be heard over the powerful beat of the dance track that was playing.

"It's okay," she mouthed, and he was relieved to see her smile before she pulled him in for a hug.

Decidedly drunk and appropriately miserable, Duo made his way back to the bar, with Hilde on his heels, but then she excused herself to go to the bathroom and left him standing there by himself. He wasn't alone for long, not even long enough to miss her - barely long enough for him to even acknowledge she was gone.

It was Quatre who appeared by his side, coming to stand closer to him than he normally would, and leaned heavily on the hand he placed on his shoulder. He was tipsy; his smile was not his own - it was a silly caricature of himself, too wide and too toothy. "Look who's he~re," he drawled.

On cue Heero appeared; his beautiful face was such a welcome sight. Drunk as he was, Duo couldn't decide if he wanted to hug him or merely weep.

He did neither - through sheer willpower he stood still and greeted him with a calculated "Hi." Another word, or a longer word, and his voice would have cracked. He wondered if it had been Quatre and Heero's approach that made Hilde clear the field - she was facing the direction from where they came. If that were the case, he resented her for not giving him a head's up.

"I see you are enjoying your party," Heero commented, raising his voice slightly to be heard over the music. His smile was knowing.

Duo felt his face go red - did he get there in time to see him kiss Hilde? He scrutinized the smile and the flush spread down his neck to his chest. He saw me kiss Hilde. He was about to deflect by asking if Heero had fun on his date, when he became aware of the big hand that rested on Heero's shoulder - it had been there the entire time, but he had been too distracted by Heero's face. He looked up at the man towering over Heero, and couldn't even remember the last time he had to look up at anyone.

The man must have been between six-foot-three and six-foot-five. He was broadly built, although not overly muscular. His blonde hair was long and wavy at the top of his head and buzzed on the sides. His mouth looked a little too small in proportion to his strong jawline and prominent chin, dusted with a scruff of golden hairs. His hooded, blue eyes were friendly. He held his right hand out to Duo and Duo had no choice but to shake it, even though he really didn't want to. He felt his knees go weak when strong fingers latched around his hand for a confident squeeze and a single up-and-down motion of their hand.

"Happy birthday, Duo," the man said. His voice was a sultry baritone that could be heard in spite of the music; it was so deep it nearly provided a bass line to the dance track.

He knows my name. Heero mentioned me. That was the only glimmer of hope.

"I'm Logan."

Yes, you are, Duo thought to himself at the sound of the overtly masculine name that fit him well. Then it hit him. Logan. 'Rough-night Logan'. Heero's go-to fuck-buddy. They're dating now?

"Hi, I'm Duo." Stupid! He knows that already.

Logan smiled.

With jealous eyes, Duo watched Logan switch his left hand to Heero's other shoulder, so he wasn't just resting his hand on him, but actually had his arm around him. His roommate looked so tiny standing next to him: shorter, thinner, yet somehow, content - like he enjoyed it.

"I didn't think Logan would want to come," Heero said, pulling Duo out of his thoughts, "But when I mentioned it was your birthday he said that we could stop by if I wanted to."

"And you wanted to?" Duo blurted.

The smile he received was the best birthday gift in thirty years. "I wanted to. But I didn't get you a present, I'm sorry."

Yes, you did. Duo could not contain his giddy smile. "That's okay. Would you like a drink?"

"Actually," Logan interjected, leaning in closer to Heero and sharing a look with him. "We would like to dance. Right?" He winked at his date.

"Nnnn, yes." Heero let himself get dragged away from the bar and into the crowd of dancing people, managing only a halfhearted wave goodbye.

Duo's heart ached.

"I saw you kiss Hilde," Quatre spoke up, prodding him between his ribs to get his attention.

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Did Heero see?"

"Yeah," he replied; it sounded like 'duh!'.

"Shit."

"What's going on between you and Hilde?" The host probed.

"Nothing!" Duo turned around to face the bar to try to get the bartender to fix him another drink. "I was feeling sorry for myself." After a moment, he wondered: "What was Heero's reaction? When he saw us?"

"Honestly?"

Duo's stomach dropped. He had the feeling he didn't want Quatre's honesty - not that night, not on his birthday - but he said: "Yeah."

"He looked relieved."

Fuck. He gritted his teeth. Heero must have misunderstood it to mean that he had been right about Duo just having been confused, about his feelings not meaning anything, and now he was relieved that he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

"Duo, I love you," Quatre said, his tongue rolling from the alcohol, making his voice sound different, "I want you to be happy. But I want Heero to be happy too. With the way things are, I don't think you could be happy together. It's too complicated."

Duo snapped his neck to stare at him. He wanted to ask him what that meant - what he was saying, exactly! - but he bit down on his lower lip. Quatre was so drunk; if Duo had asked him the question that burned through his heart like the steady drip of sulfuric acid, he would probably spill Heero's secret before even realizing it. Duo didn't want to put his best friend in that position.

The bartender brought him his drink, and he gratefully put the glass to his mouth and tilted it up. His throat worked to down the drink in a single effort, to reinvigorate his earlier buzz.

Trowa appeared to guide Quatre away from the bar, and probably to bed so the lightweight could sleep off the effects of the alcohol he had consumed. Hilde returned from the bathroom to replace Quatre at his side.

"Did you talk to Heero?"

"Sort of."

She nodded. "I think it's a good sign that he's here."

Duo turned around to face the crowd - undulating like a body of water to the beat of the music - and he made a face when he spotted his roommate and his date amidst them. They were dancing sensually to a different beat, one that only they could hear. Heero had his back to Logan, but kept his neck twisted to look up at him. Logan had his spine curled, leaning over Heero's shoulder so their faces were close together. They weren't talking, they weren't kissing; they were merely looking into each other's eyes, but that seemed more intimate than anything, even more intimate than their hips grinding together.

Hilde followed his gaze and spotted the couple as well. She repeated, although sounding less sure of herself: "It's a good sign that he's here."

Duo continued drinking, demanding most of the bartender's attention. The crowd was dissipating. Only a few stopped by the bar to come say goodbye to him - and most regretted it instantly when they realized just how drunk he was. Hilde left at some point too, but he couldn't remember when.

At two in the morning the bartender started to purposefully ignore him. He tended to a few other guests before he stoically started cleaning glasses and rearranging the bottles of liquor, pretending not to hear Duo call for him. The American was about to get really aggravated when a hand gripped his shoulder and squeezed; it was like all the anger and energy was squeezed out of him, like water from a mop, and he felt himself slouch against the bar with his eyelids at half-mast.

"The party is over, birthday boy," said Trowa. His deep, smooth voice made Duo shiver.

Duo turned around and was surprised to see almost everyone had gone home. A few people were seated on the couch, barely holding onto consciousness, waiting for cabs to come pick them up. He scanned the faces; Heero and Logan weren't there. He groaned and his stomach turned at the thought of them at home - at their apartment - for that Logan-brand 'good ol' rough sex'.

"Can I crash here?"

Trowa nodded and helped him upstairs. Duo passed out as soon as his body hit the bed.

Duo woke up to sound of heavy, hollow footsteps on the hardwood floor; then the curtains were ripped open and bright sunlight flooded the guest bedroom, blinding him as he cracked one eye open.

"Wake up, Mister Maxwell," said the maid who had come to disturb his sleep. She was a stocky, older lady with her hair in a bun so tight that it looked painful. Looking at it would have been enough to give him a headache, if it wasn't for the fact that his head was already throbbing from the hangover. "Mister Barton says you've slept enough."

Fucking Trowa... He let out a drawn-out groan and tried to move but none of his limbs cooperated. "Five more minutes, Mom," he croaked.

"No," she said firmly, not even fazed by his attitude. "Lunch is almost ready and you need to eat and drink."

Lunch? He supposed he should be grateful Trowa let him sleep for as long as he did. "What I need is an aspirin."

"You can have your aspirin with lunch." Unabashedly she pulled the sheets off his body - he didn't even remember properly tucking into bed.

Duo curled up as the chill of the air hit him, and then he realized he was only wearing his underwear and his plaid button-up. Trowa must have helped him out of his shoes, jeans and jacket. He looked around and saw his clothes neatly folded on a chair by the window. Slowly, he sat up. He swallowed several times; it was painful because his mouth was dry but he felt like if he stopped swallowing, bile would rise up in his throat. He could feel the veins in his forehead pulsing, and rather than blood, it felt like poison was being pumped into his brain.

"Take a shower first," said the maid. "There is a change of clean clothes in the bathroom for you."

"Thank you," he said insincerely; his voice was gravelly.

The maid left and Duo shuffled over to the bathroom to empty his bladder, take a shower and brush his teeth, using the brand-new toothbrush that had been provided. The clothes that were prepared for him were Trowa's; the two of them were about the same height and size, so the jeans, T-shirt and hoodie fit him well enough. Back in the bedroom, he stepped into his shoes, gathered his clothes from last night into his arms, and then trotted downstairs via the narrow service staircase leading directly into the kitchen.

A chef and a butler were working on lunch and both greeted him dutifully. Without even asking, the butler prepared him a cup of coffee and handed it to him as he slowly made his way around the cooking island, and to the sunroom where he knew breakfast and lunch were always served.

"He lives," said Trowa without even looking up from his tablet on which he was reading a news article.

Quatre sat across from him looking bright and cheery, like he hadn't been wasted last night as well. Apparently, the lightweight recovered quickly from a hangover. He patted the chair next to his and nodded at the glass of orange juice, the glass of water and two aspirin that were already waiting for him.

Duo took a seat and put aside his coffee only long enough to take the pills with half of the glass of water. Cradling the mug in his hands again, and holding it under his nose so he could breathe in the strong smell that helped wake him up, he thanked them for their hospitality: the party and letting him sleep over.

"That's what friends are fo~r," Quatre sang.

"God, how can you be so bubbly?"

"I did drink too much, yes," the blonde conceded, "but not as much as you."

"I told the bartender to cut you off after a while," remarked Trowa as he scrolled through the newsfeed. "But I should have done so sooner."

"You were too busy taking care of me," Quatre said sweetly; that was when Trowa looked up for the first time and the two shared a mischievous look.

"Oh, gross, can you please not? I can't handle your madly-in-love routine on an empty stomach."

The two of them chuckled.

Duo was presented with a hearty lunch; he didn't even realize how hungry he was until the smell hit him and he wolfed down the food. It helped tremendously with his hangover too, soaking up the last of the alcohol in his system. After finishing his coffee, he drank the orange juice and the rest of the water as well.

"When did Heero leave?" He wondered and hoped he didn't sound too pathetic. "I didn't even get to say goodbye and thank him for coming."

"Around midnight, I think," Quatre said and then hid behind his cup of tea.

"There was a bit of a spat," Trowa added, not aware that Quatre had intended to keep the rest of the story a secret. When his lover glared at him he looked apologetic.

"A spat? What- What does that mean?" Duo hated himself for hoping that Heero and Logan got into an argument that would doom their relationship.

Quatre wasn't going to say anything, but Trowa couldn't help himself. "It means your friend Jamie is an asshole when he's drunk."

"Trowa!"

He rolled his eyes at Quatre.

Duo commented: "Jamie is always an asshole, that's why he's not my friend. You guys are the ones that decided to invite him. What happened, what did he do?" He remembered what Heero had told him about what happened at the shop that one time.

"He made a homophobic remark," Trowa spat.

"Something about Heero's sweater looking like a dress," Quatre supplied, his voice soft. "And... some other stuff."

"I don't know the whole story," the green-eyed man continued, "I just know that if I hadn't walked by in that moment, Logan would have decked him."

Duo clenched his fists. His anger worsened his headache, but he didn't care. He regretted that Heero had been subjected to that and that he hadn't been around to prove to him that he would protect him from that kind of ignorant bullying.

"I sent Jamie home, but Heero and Logan didn't want to stay after that either," Trowa finished.

Noticing how upset Duo was getting, Quatre placed a hand on his arm and assured him: "It really wasn't that big of a deal. You have to understand - we're used to that sort of stuff happening once in a while."

Duo knuckles turned white. He hated that gay people simply got used to being treated that way.

"And Logan had his back."

He was glad Logan stood up for Heero, but jealous at the same time because it wasn't him. Moments like this were perfect examples why Heero mentioned that didn't want straight friends: because he'd feel alone in the face of such hatred. But Duo wanted to prove - even though he wasn't fully straight - that Heero wouldn't be alone; that such remarks affected him too, and that he would equally take it to heart.

After lunch, Quatre drove him home. The ride was silent until Quatre asked: "You at least had a little bit of fun, right?"

Duo nodded unenthusiastically. "Yeah, of course."

"I'm starting to feel like the worst birthday-bash-host ever. First Heero's birthday, now yours."

"We both really appreciate it. The timing of our birthdays was just wrong."

They fell silent again. When the car stopped in front of the apartment building, Duo thanked Quatre one more time and then headed upstairs.

The apartment was empty; Heero was at work. Thankfully, Duo had arranged to take the day off, predicting that the surprise party would last into the wee hours of the night. He stripped out of Trowa's clothes and put on sweatpants and one of his own hoodies. He popped the hood over his head and stuffed his hands into the front pocket, and tucked himself into a corner of the couch. Before long he fell asleep.

Duo was rudely awoken again by the sound of pots and pans. He cracked his eyes open. The window that he was facing was a black square in the wall; it was nighttime. A handful of soft lamps lit the apartment, but none of the brighter, overhead lights were switched on. He straightened up at the sound of a breathless curse and turned in his seat to peer into the kitchen.

Heero was crouched on the floor, gathering up the stack of three different sized frying pans that he had let drop to the floor. Their eyes met and Heero sheepishly apologized.

"That's okay," Duo assured him.

"I was trying to let you sleep."

"I think I've slept enough," he said with a chuckle.

"I'm making dinner; are you hungry?"

He smiled. "Yeah, I could eat. What are you making?"

"Frittatas."

Duo made a low, appreciative sound. "What time is it?"

"Eight thirty."

"Oh... Little late for dinner, isn't it?"

"I got caught up at work. I knew that if I didn't finish I'd have to come in tomorrow, but this girl needs her weekend," Heero said sassily, pointing at himself, but then his eyebrow twitched and his mouth became a thin line. He seemed desperate to distract himself with retrieving the ingredients for dinner, poking his head deep into the refrigerator and taking a long time, as if he needed to hide for a moment. He put the eggs, potatoes, zucchini, paprika, mushrooms and leftovers - like feta cheese and sausage - on the counter. He turned on the stove and waited for the two skillets to heat up.

"I heard Jamie was an asshole to you last night," Duo started after some deliberation about whether he should even bring it up.

"Who?" Heero's neatly plucked and perfectly arched eyebrows pinched together.

"That guy from the auto shop."

"Oh. Yeah."

"I'm sorry. Quatre shouldn't have even invited him, but he couldn't have known. He was just trying to beef up the guest list."

"It's fine," Heero said with strained voice.

"Quatre said he made a dumb remark about the way you were dressed."

"It's fine, Duo," Heero insisted, staring intently at the melting butter. He was getting agitated and Duo knew it would probably be better if he would just drop it, but there were things he felt he had to say.

"Whatever he said, he's an idiot. You looked really beautiful."

"I'm not a chick, Duo," his roommate snapped. "You don't have to tell me that I look 'beautiful'." His eyes were dark and pained; there was an anger in his gaze but Duo got the impression he was angrier at himself than angry at him - he just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"But you did, so I have to tell you that you looked beautiful," he explained simply.

Heero snorted and returned his attention to cooking. He poured the egg mixture into the skillets and tossed in the chopped-up ingredients one by one. Duo wisely didn't say anything else. Heero kept the skillets on the stove for a few minutes before popping them both into the pre-heated oven. With a flick of his wrist, he set the timer and announced he'd be taking a quick shower in the meantime.

"Sure, yeah... I'll keep an eye out and set the table."

To fill the silence, Duo turned on the television and spent a few minutes trying to find something interesting to watch. He settled on a nature documentary that he trusted not to get gross, and then got up to set the table, first peering into the oven to make sure nothing was burning.

Just in time, Heero returned freshly showered. His hair was still damp, darkening the color, and his white T-shirt clung to him as he had rushed through drying off. The smell of his shampoo and body wash was comfortably familiar - the entire bathroom would smell of it every time he took a shower, and Duo couldn't deny that he liked finding excuses to spend time in the bathroom afterwards, to immerse himself in that smell and the humidity.

Heero took the skillets out of the oven and slid the frittatas onto two plates on the table at their usual seats, leaving one empty chair between them.

"Smells ah-mazing," Duo complimented, not really referring to the food, although that smelled great too.

"Hn. I think I made them too big."

"Not at all. I'm starving."

Duo easily ate his whole frittata, while Heero had trouble making his way through three-quarters of it. Duo ended up snatching bits off Heero's plate until the other just pushed it towards him and let him finish what was left.

"Wow, you weren't kidding," his roommate commented as he watched Duo eat the second plate clean. His expression was a mixture of awe and disgust.

"Yeah, I'm a hungry girl."

Heero looked at him oddly at the colloquial use of the word 'girl' - that he used on purpose because Heero had earlier - but he didn't say anything. He just stared for a moment and then got up from his seat.

Once Duo was done with his meal, he helped Heero with the dishes; then, while Heero went to bed early, he spent the evening - and most of the night - in front of the TV, not tired since he slept too much during the day.

It was Saturday, and Duo had to work to make up for his day off. He dreaded going into work on weekends; the most tedious chores always lined up at the shop, and most of his time was spent doing routine oil changes and replacing windshield wipers. He worried about having to interact with Jamie, but luckily it seemed the lanky, younger man was just as set on avoiding him as was the case vice versa. Maybe he should have confronted him about how he treated Heero at his birthday party, but he didn't want to cause trouble at work. Most of the time, he really loved his job and he didn't want to cause drama with a coworker and potentially jeopardize that.

The day winded down and the shop owner let him leave half an hour early, saying that Duo still looked tired. That was probably true - he had fucked up his own sleeping rhythm by sleeping through most of Friday, and then staying up in front of the TV, unable to fall asleep again.

When he arrived home, the apartment smelled sweet, like a bakery. The kitchen table was a mess of strewn flour, powdered sugar, scraped empty bowls of batter and icing, and used appliances. "Hey, uh, what's going on?" He couldn't see into the kitchen from where he stood at the door, but he heard Heero moving about.

"Sorry! I'll clean up the mess, I swear!"

Duo chuckled and shut the door behind him. "No, it's fine. It's your apartment too; do whatever you want." Duo was definitely the messier one of the two anyway. He shook off his coat and toed off his work boots before stepping further into the apartment. He poked his head around the corner to peek into the kitchen. Heero had his back turned to him. "What are you baking?"

Heero turned around in his spot, hiding something behind him. He looked cute in the navy-blue striped apron, dusted with flour in the vague shape of hands, and sporting a secretive smile. "Your birthday present."

"You baked me a birthday present?" A smile crept up to Duo's lips.

His roommate grabbed the platter he was hiding behind him from the counter and presented it to him. "A belated birthday cake. There wasn't any cake at the party. Who throws a birthday party without birthday cake?"

"Mister Wheat-and-Gluten-Free, that's who," Duo joked and he came closer to appreciate his birthday cake. It was just a standard round cake with vanilla frosting, and the numbers 3 and 0 were written on top in an arrangement of M&M's. "That's so cute, thank you!" He was touched that Heero had spent such time and effort on him - it was completely unexpected, but exciting.

Heero looked pleased at the reaction and put the cake on the counter, commenting on it being heavy.

"What flavor is it?"

"Chocolate, with a layer of fudge filling in the center - I added some cut-up pieces of KitKat and M&M's too."

Duo's mouth started to water. "Woah, I can't wait."

"Would you like to try a piece?"

"Like? I would love to try a piece, but only if you'll eat with me."

Heero smirked. "We'll just make it a small slice and call it an appetizer," he said since it was almost dinner time. He fetched two plates and two forks, and cut them each a small slice - too small for Duo's liking, but he didn't want to be greedy.

They cleared some space at the kitchen table and sat down. Duo took his first bite and moaned. The cake was moist and still warm; the fudge filling was smooth and rich, the crunch of the KitKats and M&M's added texture, and the vanilla icing added a light aftertaste to the full flavors.

"This is amazing! Where did you get the idea?"

"My mom used to make me cakes like these for my birthday."

"That's sweet." Duo felt uncomfortable knowing that Heero wasn't on the best of terms with his parents anymore since coming out. He didn't know much about their relationship - Heero never volunteered any information. He just knew that they lived far away and, in the four years that they have shared an apartment together, Heero never visited them. The situation with his own parents wasn't better; he had never met his dad, and his mom abandoned him in his early teens, leaving him to live with the Winners.

Rather than getting lost to those memories, Duo focused on the cake and how happy it made him that Heero did this just for him. "Thanks," he said, "I love my present."

"Better than socks?"

He let out a startled laugh. "Definitely." Heero smirked and took his next bite. "So, uhm... You and Logan, huh?"

"Hmhm," he replied with a mouthful.

"I didn't know. I thought he was your-..." Duo scrunched up his face at his own ineloquence. For shock value, he asked: "So how does that work: going from fuck-buddies to boyfriends?"

Heero was unfazed by the question. "I just asked him out for coffee. The sex has always been so great; he is so... in tune with me. He knows me, and when I'm with him... I know me. Does that make any sense?" Before Duo could even answer the question, Heero made a dismissive gesture and shrugged. "I figured we should give it a try."

"Aren't you worried about ruining what you had going with him?"

"No. Are you worried about ruining your friendship with Hilde?"

Duo coughed as cake crumbs got stuck in his throat. "Wha-what?"

"You and Hilde? I saw you two kiss at your party. It looked intense," Heero regarded him mirthfully.

"I shouldn't have done that. It was a mistake."

"Oh?"

"I don't feel that way about her."

Heero started to get uncomfortable as he recognized where the conversation was headed. He stuffed his mouth with a big bite of cake and looked away.

"I'm not going to prove you right," Duo asserted. "I'm not confused. I'm just not gay either."

"Whatever." Heero didn't look at him again.

"You know, I get it that you don't feel the same way about me. It hurts, but..." He shrugged. "Maybe you still want to think that we aren't friends, but I think we are and I'd really like it if I could talk to you about this stuff. I feel like you would understand and could help me understand. Help me understand why I feel so strongly that 'not being gay' and 'being in love with you' are not mutually exclusive."

Heero narrowed his eyes at him and reacted bitten, although Duo didn't think he had said anything that was offensive. "Why me? Don't you have Quatre for this sort of shit?"

"I do. But I'd also like to talk to you."

"Well, I don't want to get dragged into your fucking gray area," he snapped.

Duo tried calmly: "I don't understand why you are getting so offended. I feel like you're misunderstanding me. I'm not saying that I'm in love with you because I think of you as less of a man. I know you're a man, but I also know I'm not gay. I'm not saying that because I think being gay is a bad thing-"

"Can we please not do this? Things have been going so well between us lately," Heero pleaded.

"I don't want to be dishonest with you and pretend like my feelings are going away because they aren't. I'm not going to act on them," Duo tried to assure him. "You're not interested, I-... I get it," he swallowed his aching heart back down. "And you're with Logan now, I respect that."

"I'm sorry, Duo."

The American nodded, although he wasn't sure what Heero was apologizing for exactly.

"Can we just... stop bringing this up and pretend everything is normal?"

Duo weakly agreed, only because he knew that if he didn't, he could lose Heero forever; he could move out to escape the awkwardness and - since they "weren't friends" - Duo would never see him again.

Logan was a great guy.

Fuck.

Duo tried to ignore it, tried to pretend that Logan was no good for Heero, but as the weeks went by and their relationship became more serious - and Duo saw more and more of the tall blonde - he could no longer deny it. He wanted to hate him, but he couldn't.

Logan must have known Duo didn't like him much at first, but he never let it get to him, and he was always patient and nice. He had a quirky sense of humor; he'd put on silly voices and make a lot of funny sounds, comical faces and made-up words. It was endearing how he laughed at his own jokes, but nothing made him laugh more than Heero's sassiness. He was very open and unfiltered, and went red-faced whenever he realized he was sharing something embarrassing that other people would probably keep secret, but he'd tell the stories anyway. He could be a little ditzy at times, but he wasn't self-conscious about it and he didn't accept any bullshit about it either. He was really passionate about sports - the Celtics especially - and he was also athletic himself.

He stared at Heero as much as Duo did, alternating his gaze between the brilliant eyes and the glossy lips. They had cute little inside jokes too, like pretending to nod off when the other was pausing too long between words in search of what to say - sometimes nodding off in perfect unison, and then laughing hard at their synchronization.

Duo considered what Hilde had said - that Heero could fall in love with him, now that the context of their relationship was different. She had implied that he ought to make a subtle effort to get Heero to fall for him, but it felt wrong getting between him and Logan. Not only because Logan was such a genuinely great guy, but also because it was readily apparent that he made Heero happy. Duo didn't even realize how unhappy Heero had been before, until he noticed how much and how hard his roommate laughed lately; he felt guilty for not being sensitive to his cheerless demeanor from before. Heero was more open and more relaxed, even around Duo. It seemed that whatever troubles Quatre said he had been dealing with, Logan was helping him resolve them, or at least forget about them, if that constant bright smile was any indication.

Duo just wanted Heero to be happy, whether that was with him or with someone else. More evidence of how much he loved his roommate. It hurt beyond compare.

Chapter 4

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