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"Love Thy Neighbor"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU, angst, fluff, citrus Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo's life gets turned upside down when
the house next to his is sold. The new neighbor exposes Duo to a lot
of new feelings but Duo's strict, religious upbringing makes him resist
them. He stubbornly denies that what he is feeling could be love. "Love Thy Neighbor" Chapter Seven Yearning. To experience an aching longing. To desire and pine until the desiring and the pining becomes a throbbing hurt somewhere within; within the body; within the spirit. Yearning. It is one of those words that is just a word, until all of a sudden it isn't. Yearning. Duo stared at the single word in his strained script on the otherwise empty page. He placed his hand on his chest. He still felt Heero's hand resting there, like a phantom sensation. He didn't intend to diminish WuFei's very real experience of amputation, but he presumed he had never come closer to understanding what it was like to lose a limb but to still feel it. It felt like something vital and important to his own body had been ripped away from him and he had been left unbalanced and crippled and it would be an adjustment to live without it. But when he touched his chest it seemed like nerve endings throughout his body sparked with vibrant memory and he felt the warmth of Heero's other hand on the back of his neck and the softness of his lips on his own. Finally he understood the desperation that had driven Heero's passionate kiss. Yearning. The Asian man had felt it too. Great, Duo grumbled inwardly, that only made his own yearning worse. He dropped his hand down to his lap but when a jolt of electricity spread through him at just his hand falling onto his thigh he realized his mistake and placed both hands on the desk. His eyes were wide, startled at the strength of the sensations which he had expected to have faded away as Heero left - leaving Duo dumbstruck – several hours ago. It didn't help, of course, that the last time Duo had sex was longer ago than he cared to admit. Quite frankly, it was embarrassing. Yet it had never bothered him all that much until then, until he experienced the yearning. Conspiring with his lustful body his mind added insult to injury witth thoughts that, for Duo's own sake, he shouldn't be concerning himself with. A particularly powerful one was the realization that Heero was right next door and likely as willing and as… enthusiastic, as he had been before. If he wanted more, all he had to do was walk over there and claim it. Let his tongue claim Heero's mouth. Let his hands claim Heero's body. "Oh boy!" Duo exclaimed and shot up from his seat, nearly tripping over his own feet as his body was awkwardly uncoordinated, missing that warm hand on his chest. He headed for the kitchen to occupy himself with the task of making an ice cold drink, although he recognized that the only successful attempt at subduing these thoughts and feelings would be to drop some ice cubes down his underwear. Even though the house was steadily getting more balmy as the evening rain had made way for a blistering afternoon sun that surely took it upon itself to verify the theory of global warming, he was afraid to go out onto the back porch to check if there was at least a refreshing breeze. It was far too dangerous to risk even seeing Heero's face, regardless of how much he desired to even just see him. Worse still would be what could happen if being confronted with that beauty would prompt him to give into his other, literally more hands-on, desires. This yearning-thing should not be underestimated, he knew. If it would take hold him in the wrong place, at the wrong time it would negate everything he had worked for, for twenty years. Twenty long years that had left him empty, exhausted and dreadful of grey hairs every time he braided his hair. To nullify that by giving in to the one thing he had been fighting, would be like canceling out most of the life he had lived. Where would that leave him? At square one. And he didn't like being at square one last time he was there. When he noticed later that day that Heero's big red truck was missing from his driveway, he dared to venture outside for a breath of fresh air. All he did was rest his elbows on the bannister lining the porch and scrutinizing the house next door, the exterior of which was restored beautifully by then. He uneasily pondered the cruelty of his Lord by moving this incredibly good-looking young man to purchase the neighboring house. He knew God as an entity capable of cruelty, his parents made sure he knew that part of Him well, but he had never thought Him to be cruel without reason. That made the predicament of having an attractive gay man move in next door all the more difficult to accept as an act of God. After all, what had he done wrong to deserve this? He had been doing fine and he would still have been doing fine if not for this inexplicable intervention. Was it really as straightforward as a test of Duo's resilience and resolution? Duo was starting to doubt it, although one Biblical story kept nagging at him, implying the contrary, the story of Abraham: the father whom God command to kill his begotten son and who obliged, out of faith and obedience. But if it truly was just a test, what was the correct answer? "Turn the other cheek?" Duo wondered aloud and then immediately shook his head at his unfortunate choice of words, but the visuals that even such an innocent thought inflicted on him were not unpleasant. He had, after all, noticed that his neighbor had nice… cheeks. Duo's body went rigid when he heard the familiar grunt and sputter of the old red truck's engine as it pulled into the driveway. He suppressed his initial reaction to bolt, but couldn't summon much more bravery than the inaction of staying put. Leaning on the bannister he pushed himself forward to look down the opening between the two houses and watched Heero get supplies from the back of his truck and disappear behind the house. Inadvertently Duo took notice of the fitted black jeans the younger man was wearing. The yearning significantly intensified. He decided he should head back inside. He didn't trust his resolve if he had the chance to lay eyes on Heero again. He retreated back inside. All through the day he felt that gravitational pull, that he had described to Heero previously. He felt that if he would just relax his muscles, rather than straining and focusing to stay seated in his lounge chair, his body would just be slowly drawn to the house next door, like the world was being tilted and he would slide across the floor, closer and closer to Heero, if he didn't clutch at the armrests of the chair for purchase. It was incredibly distracting and frustrating. Once a while he would merely turn the page of the book in his lap, even though he didn't manage to read a single word, in a vain attempt to occupy himself. He couldn't stop thinking about it. At a certain point, his thought process switched from mulling over his own thoughts and feelings to what Heero must be experiencing. For Heero the matter was much less complicated than for Duo, there was nothing holding him back, no memories of towering priests in their floor-length black robes looking over his shoulder. However, in spite of the fact that the Asian man had not been able to define his feelings for Duo, the older man assumed that it must be painful for the younger man to have his advances be unrequited, perhaps even more so because he was not compelled to fight these feelings due to personal inhibitions. He wanted Duo – to what extent was unclear to both of them – and he had no reason not to. He wants me, the thought echoed in Duo's head. He went to bed that night feeling nauseous, knowing what dreams would take him. Morning came as a relief. He took a quick, cold shower and then headed for the kitchen to make a cup of coffee he would call breakfast. He sipped at it over the sink, only because it was right in front of the window and his resolve had taken a gut-wrenching blow over the course of the night, causing it to whither and shrivel. The longer he stood there, the worse he felt. He berated himself for acting like a stalker and moved away from the window. Duo spent his day in his office with the curtains drawn. His notebook lay open on the surface of the desk, he leaned over it and stared at the one word intensely. Yearning. He couldn't write down anything else. Every word that came to mind was dangerous. He was reminded of a reparative therapy method he was forced to practice following his brief sexual attraction to Anthony. He had come to know it as one of the less intense and extreme methods, yet he was hesitant to try it without the guidance of his priest-appointed therapist. Of course the man hadn't really been a therapist. He was an 'ex-gay', who denounced his homosexual deviance and returned to the right path. Duo's parents and priest had hope that the man could coach Duo to achieve the same success. The therapy entailed writing down the unwanted thoughts about Anthony and to literally throw them away; to ball up the paper and throw it in the trash. It seemed to have the desired effect when he was younger, but of course being forced to write down sexual thoughts in the presence of that man – 'the therapist' – as well as his priest overseeing the sessions, worked like aversion therapy. It created negative associations for him. Every time he was overcome by sexual feelings for Anthony, he would instantly be reminded of the discomfort and shame that he felt when he had to write those feelings down, it stopped short any physical desire from developing further. He feared that if he would apply the therapy himself at that moment, it would have the opposite effect, he would just get horny writing down what would basically be porn, inspired by the passionate kiss from the day before. Other therapies he had been subdued to, he wouldn't even consider trying again, being pretty sure that they had scarred him for life. Some of the experiences were quite traumatic. Finally, he put his pen to the paper and whispered softly as he wrote. "Heero is in my hallway. In my personal space. The very air in the room vibrates with his presence. My body sways, like it's about to fall towards him. It wants to be nearer to him still. He can never be close enough. Without warning he pushes me back against the door and the definitive sound of the door slamming shut seals my fate. It was going to happen and I wouldn't be able to stop it. I surrender to that. I find comfort in that. It was happening to me, it was no fault of my own. Heero's entire body is pushed flush against mine and then he raises himself up on his toes, his torso rubbing against me as he does. He kisses me demandingly, with a mouth that is searing hot and a tongue that burns right through me, into the inner core of my being, where something stirs; a beast. His hand is equally hot on my chest, it is like it is reaching inside of me and gripping my heart. He could rip it right out of my ribcage if he wanted to, but he subjects me to a much more cruel fate, leaving me my heart to feel every hard beat that spreads warm blood through my body, to my groin particularly. He introduces my body to the true desire – the yearning – to be close to him, to be inside him." He dropped the pen as if it scalded his fingers. "This was a bad idea," Duo groaned and he reached down to carefully readjust his erection in his jeans. Nevertheless he attempted to rid himself of the fantasy by ripping the page from the notebook, crumpling it in his fist and depositing it decisively in the trash bin next to the desk. "This was a really bad idea." With a hiss he drew his hand up his thigh to the bulge at the apex but withdrew on second thought. But it was like the bite Eve and Adam took from the forbidden apple that spelled the doom of mankind. It could not be undone. Worse still, he was hungry, greedy for the entire apple. He wanted it all. He yearned for all of it. He hated the comparison, but Heero was both the apple and the serpent who seduced him. That made his sensual feelings be replaced with anger. Heero was supposed to be a good man – he even had the audacity to point it out to Duo when he was being less than a good man. It was unfair and unkind of him to put him in this position. It was selfish! He had been doing fine! He had been doing fine until Heero showed up! Jumping at the chance to place the blame on someone other than himself, he shot up from his seat. He stomped out of his office and thought twice about going out through the front door. The neighbors had seen the two of them together too often as it was. He opted for the backdoor, each footfall angrier and louder than the one before. Duo stalked through his backyard, knowing there was an opening in the hedge at the back, where the plants had not been able to grow, overshadowed by a recently cut down, huge conifer. He stepped through the opening, nearly tripping over a horizontal branch, which only added to his anger. Heero was in the kitchen, Duo could spot his shape through the curtains in the open doorway, swaying gently in the breeze. The younger man had his back turned towards the door opening and wasn't aware of Duo's presence until his religious neighbor slammed his dirty socked foot down on the steps as he climbed up onto the porch. "Fucking Hell!" He exclaimed and spun around in time to see Duo step into the house uninvited. "Why did you do that?" Duo demanded. Heero blinked. "Duo, I'm sorry. It's just something people say when they get caught off guard…" "What? No, I don't mean that. I mean yesterday! Why did you do… that?!" The younger man seemed to become uncomfortable and he took a step back. "Are you angry?" Duo scoffed. "Yes, of course I'm angry! I was perfectly fine before you moved in next door. And then to make matters worse, you tell me you have feelings for me and you kiss me?" "Hey, you told me you had feelings for me first!" Heero snapped back. "Still! You read my book! You know of my troubles! How could you do that to me?" "Yes, I read your book and I told you exactly what I thought your book meant," He defended himself. "And when we went out to play basketball a few weeks ago WuFei literally told me that if I was interested, I should 'give it a try'!" "That goddamned meddler! Shit!" Ashamed of the profanity that slipped out of him, he blurted: "Oh Fuck!" Then, realizing his mistake, he pointed a finger at his neighbor and accused: "You bring out the worst in me!" Heero rolled his eyes. "Oh sure. Yeah. I put cusswords in your mouth and make you gay." Duo eyes followed Heero's hands as he gestured to emphasize his own anger. There was a warm feeling growing in his chest and on the back of his neck, right where those hands had been the day before, threatening to melt away the icy sharp edge of his rage. "Fine. I shouldn't have kissed you. I was wrong. I wasn't planning on doing anything, even though your best friend basically told me I should. I wasn't going to do anything because I wasn't sure if you wanted that. But then you show up on my front door… - which, by the way, is how you are supposed to come to someone's house. The backdoor is off limits 'til we like each other again - Oh shit," He made a face. "Oohh. That is such a wrong way to put it." Duo frowned, oblivious to the Freudian slip that had been made. "Anyway, you come to my house and you tell me you have feelings for me and that you imagine me kissing you! And then you expect me to just leave that be?! I figured that maybe you did want it! Like maybe… like maybe you did want me." The short neighbor seemed to deflate, his arms dropped to his sides and with a sigh he looked away. "I'm sorry," He breathed through soft lips. Lips Duo had known intimately. His gaze soon hardened and he focused it on Duo anew. "But that really wasn't okay the way you stormed in here, you scared the shit out of me." Confused by contradicting information being communicated between his mind and his body, Duo raised his hand to run it through his hair. Heero flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, like he was expecting Duo's fist to come at his face. Duo froze his hands mid-air and watched Heero slowly open his eyes again. That sufficiently took care of the last of his anger, draining it out of body through a soft sigh. "I wasn't going to hit you," he clarified quietly and brought his hand back down. Heero didn't say anything, he appeared ashamed. Duo chewed on the inside of his cheek at his conflicting feelings. He felt bad about previously comparing Heero to the serpent and about yelling at him, but at the same time he didn't want to allow himself to become too sympathetic, as that was possibly the first step down a dangerous road. "Well then what are you doing here?" Heero demanded bitterly. "What do you want?" He placed his hands against Duo's chest and pushed him back to create more distance between them. The touch triggered a reaction in the tall American. A warmth spread across his skin, emanating from where he could still feel the shape of Heero's palm and his long fingers on his chest, through the thin cotton of his black T-shirt. It flushed his cheeks and made him feverish all over. "I want it!" He confessed without careful thought. Heero frowned at him. "What does that mean? What is 'it'?" Flustered, Duo sheepishly shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Whatever it was you were offering me yesterday. You said that if I want 'it', you would want it too. I don't know exactly what that is, if it's just that kiss from before, or if it's you, or if it's… more!" He made frustrated gestures. "I don't know! All I know is that since yesterday I have been yearning for something. And it doesn't seem to matter that it is wrong, because no matter how often I keep saying that to myself, I can't stop thinking about it – about you!" He groaned at his own blabbering. "I just need you to take it back." "Take it back?" "Yeah." Heero put his hands on his hips. His slim hips. The younger man snorted and appeared frustrated with Duo's incessant back paddling. "What are we, six? There are no "Taksies backsies" for adults." "Just say you didn't mean it." Duo knew that what he was asking for was stupid, but in the moment it seemed to be the only thing that would offer him any relief. Well, one of two things, he realized when he caught his gaze drifting along the shape of Heero's body. But the only right thing. "Duo, I'm not going to lie to you to make you feel better. And maybe you shouldn't lie to yourself either." His voice adopted a softer tone. "No! No!" Duo took another step back. "Don't do that!" "I'm not doing anything!" "Yes you are! You are being all seductive and sexy." Duo bit the inside of his cheek. "You- You think I'm sexy?" Duo could barely hear what his neighbor was saying with alarm bells ringing in his head. A tiny inadvertent smirk appeared on Heero's lips. His soft lips, Duo recognized. Heero shrugged sheepishly and said bemused: "Well, clearly that is not something I can help. If you don't want to see me that way, than you have to change, not me." He is not taking this seriously, Duo thought indignant, but then immediately realized that he couldn't blame him. He was being so childish. He used to pride himself for being a mature, rational, cerebral person; someone who always knows the right thing to say to express himself and to reason with others. Apparently years of living a suppressed life did some damage. How rational and cerebral can someone be who has made himself believe in every Biblical tale and adjust his life accordingly, ending up living like a sexless hermit? "Are you okay?" Heero's voice came through the fog of Duo's own conflicted thoughts. The American shook his head. "What?" "You fell quiet all of a sudden." "I'm fine, I…" He fell quiet again. "Duo, it's like I said, if you want it, then I want it. But if you don't, I'm not going to force myself on you. I had to give it a shot and I took it too far. If it's not what you want, then we just do what you said; we stop seeing each other." He looked to the side pensively. "It'll probably be a little weird, but I won't be your neighbor forever anyway. We can handle a couple of months of awkwardness." Duo frowned. He didn't like that idea, he didn't like it at all, even if he was the one to suggest it first. It sounded so different coming from Heero's mouth, like having him say the words made Duo realize how he actually felt about the prospect of not being able to be close to him. To have Heero remind him that he wouldn't always be occupying the house next door, made him all the more eager to spend more time with the exotic beauty, to let his eyes get drunk on the sight of him. Maybe, his wicked mind started, it wouldn't be so bad to indulge a little. In a few months Heero would be leaving and any can of worms that will be opened in the meantime, he'll take with him. With Heero gone, Duo's troubles would be gone, maybe it would be okay to give into the temptation for the time being. He realized painfully that it was like a reformed alcoholic celebrating a year of sobriety with a drinking binge, but his head got fuzzy in the most pleasant way entertaining the mere thought of a sequel of the previous kiss. He could push him back till the small of his back was against the kitchen counter and he could wrap his arms around that slim waist and grind his pelvis against his. He could plunder his mouth before kissing his jaw, down his neck and lick the dip of his collarbone and then rip his shirt off and move his mouth lower still. Duo blinked and felt his cheeks redden when he realized they had both just been staring at each other for several minutes. Heero's features were calm, yet mildly curious. His mouth was relaxed, his lips slightly parted. His eyebrows were slightly raised expectantly. The expression in his eyes was soothing and made Duo lean in a little closer. The tall American had secretly hoped Heero would take the initiative, as he had before, give him the excuse of not having any other choice but to go along with it, but the shorter man stayed still and waited patiently, maintaining eye contact unashamedly. He wanted him to make the first move this time. "I want it," Duo admitted with coarse voice and hot face. Heero whispered in return: "Then take it." Duo gasped quietly as a shudder ran through him. The seductive encouragement was spilling desire all over his mind, inhibiting the firing of neurons concerned with rational thought. He started shaking his head, he started saying "No" – he said it over and over again – but he took a step closer. He could smell Heero, sweaty yet sweet; fruity, he felt sparks jumping between their bodies, electrifying his skin. It was a sin, he knew, but he was powerless. For a decade his guilty mind had been dominating his body, suppressing its desires, denying its need. It had made his body a hungry beast, determined to satisfy its urges, at any cost. The steel bars that had caged him were buckling. He felt claustrophobic, he needed to get out. He needed to get out! But he couldn't! He shouldn't! The American started gasping for breath as he staggered back till his back was against the wall beside the open door. Fresh air was coming in, but he felt like he couldn't breathe. "Are you alright?" Heero's concern was evident, he rushed towards him but Duo held out his hand, to keep the younger man away from him. Duo barely managed: "I think I'm having a panic attack!" "Okay. Okay. Just try to calm down." Heero got a plastic cup and filled it with water and stretched out his arm to give it to him, staying as far away from him as he could, recognizing that that was what his neighbor needed most of him. Duo took careful sips, the drinking regulated his breathing and he soon felt better. He leaned against the wall for balance. He had never experienced panic like that before. He had always felt in control and thanks to that he felt like he would be okay. He could choose not to be gay, he could choose to live righteously, he could choose to spare himself divine punishment. With that confidence, he didn't have to be afraid, he always thought he could control it; save himself. But it was apparent that that side of him had only been dormant, it had never been gone, it had never been fully under control, it just hadn't been awoken yet. But then Heero came and he rattled the cage. It scared him. It scared him to think that his fate wasn't his to choose. There were all these rules outlining the one righteous path, but life pushed him in whichever direction it felt like, disregarding the stipulations of the Bible. And he would be punished for it. That wasn't right, he thought angrily, but that was what was happening. "I'm so sorry." The writer looked up at his stricken young neighbor standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking at him with big, pitiful, sorrowful eyes. "I'm so sorry," He repeated genuinely. "I didn't know it would make you feel like this." With his panic gone, Duo felt embarrassed. He straightened up and ran a hand through his hair. He put the empty cup away on the kitchen counter. "I'm sorry I freaked out,' He said sheepishly. "That has never happened before. I guess no one has ever awoken such strong feelings in me before." He fell silent at his own words. His feelings for Heero must be more serious than he ever feared, for the young man to cause him to doubt the one thing he believed and had strived for his entire adult life: that he could change himself. He was gay. He could try not to act on it, but did that really change anything? Did that exempt him from retribution? Heero appeared emotional, overcome with guilt as the gravity of his mistake hit him. Duo wanted to hug him. He realized instantly how dangerous that seemingly innocent desire could be, so he adamantly decided against it and tore his eyes away from the younger man. "I have to go," He stated, but he didn't move a muscle. He didn't really want to go, but he knew he was right in saying that he had to, absolutely had to. Heero slowly nodded, still embarrassed and guilty about what had happened. "I have to go," He said again, his eyes finding Heero's through the young man's haphazard bangs. "I know," Heero said softly. "I understand now." "I'm sorry about barging in here like that, I didn't mean to scare you." "That's okay. I keep popping up and catching you off guard. I had it coming." Duo's lips formed a small smile. "Okay. Well, then I guess I'll go." "Yeah." Finally his lead legs started to move and took him out of the house, through the back door, through the yard, slipping into his own garden between the hedges in the back. He didn't look back, he was afraid that if Heero might be looking at him as he left, he would sprint right back to that old house and take his new neighbor into his arms. He spent the day actively trying not to think about the young Asian man, but his efforts were in vain. The more he tried to push the thoughts of him away, the stronger they became and the more they fought back. Meanwhile the beast of his desire stirred ever so slightly in its cage, caught in only a light slumber. He attempted to subdue dangerous wanderings of the mind by focusing on Biblical passages, but all that accomplished was making him experience an echo of the panic that had overcome him in Heero's kitchen. He had been doing so well, he mused, the rule book of his life in his lap, his fingers clutching at it. It felt like it was slipping away, even though it was firmly in place. For twenty long years he had not lusted after another man, it had only ever been Anthony, given rise to the hopeful assumption that he wasn't really gay, but had just suffered a singular, freak attraction to his childhood friend. For the past ten years he had lived most of his life in the confinement of his own house, reading the Bible daily, devoting his life to it. He had written a book even, with the failed attempt to honor the worth of the teachings of the Bible and the church and its representatives, acclaiming the love of God and the love for God. Was all of it just a miserably failed attempt? The book, his marriage, the counseling, the reparative therapy? All vain attempts to change something that can't be changed? He had been chiseling away at the rock face of a mountain for twenty years, but for the first time in twenty years he took a step back and saw that his work has been idle. The face of the mountain is scarred and damaged. But the mountain is still a mountain, it hadn't budged and it wouldn't. Where did that leave him? On a path towards eternal damnation? Does it really matter if he acts on his desires or not, does that save him from judgment? Is a racist not a when racist when he keeps his opinions to himself? Is a pedophile not a pedophile when he only plays out the fantasies in his head? And conversely, is a person religious if they go to church every Sunday, but never actually believe in God? Do our actions define us? He asked himself. Really? Exhausted after a day of inner turmoil he went to bed early, but he would find no rest between the sheets. He was stricken with confusion. What was he supposed to believe? What was he supposed to do? No one ever made him ask those questions to himself. He had been steadfast, he knew his goal and he knew how to achieve it. There were no questions. There was only the iron will to control himself, to make himself fit into that admittedly narrow space that the Bible, the church and his parents had outlined for him. It had never been so difficult to live by the rules. Not even in the very beginning, when he was so convinced he was in love with Anthony. When he could still remember the tentative kisses he and his young friend had shared, with curious but shy fingers barely slipping under the hems of shirts. The eyes which he had forced shut flew open. His ceiling stared back at him. Maybe that was it. "But that wouldn't make any sense, would it?" The ceiling offered no answer. Maybe his few but cherished moments with Anthony had quenched his thirst; maybe they had satisfied the beast and it had since been living on those memories, content for as long as the taste of them would last – for approximately twenty years apparently. Now the memories had but faded away, truth be told, Duo hardly remembered what Anthony's face looked like. He hadn't allowed himself to look upon a picture of his childhood friend since he last saw Anthony in person, hanging from the rafters in his bedroom. The face had been forgotten, obscured by his untamed hair, but Duo would never forget the sight of his feet dangling in the air. A combination of satisfaction and fear might have kept the beast of his desires from fighting against his constraints. Now it was thirsty again and no longer afraid enough to cause him to deny those primal urges. Maybe the best way to control the ungodly part of himself, was to give into it at select moments. And what could be a more opportune moment than a neighbor who will soon completely extract himself from Duo's life when he once again relocates, as he always does? Or maybe he was just making excuses for himself… Whatever the case, it seemed too late for second thought. He felt the softness of the carpet under his feet and then the cold of the door handle in his palm as he twisted it open and left his dark bedroom, blindly finding his way down the stairs. He experienced a new kind of panic; foreshadowed regret that he would experience if he let Heero leave in a couple of months without knowing what it would be like to have his arms tightly around his waist and his mouth firmly against his lips. With a screech the cage door swung open. Duo quickened his pace through the damp grass of his backyard, stumbling at certain steps, like he was being dragged forth by a big, wildly enthusiastic dog. He thought that at any moment reality would hit him and he would bolt in the opposite direction, realizing what he was doing, what he was getting himself into and rightfully wondering if this mistake could ever be undone, even when Heero would be gone, taking all the feelings Duo had for him with him. But it hadn't happened yet by the time he had reached the back porch of the old house. All the lights inside were off. It was by then past midnight after all. Yet, he raised his fist and rifled on the back door. For a long time there was no response. Against better judgment he knocked on the door again, determined and loud enough to be heard throughout the house, but not loud enough to draw the attention of nosy neighbors. His heart was beating so rapidly and powerfully it might have actually been visible through his grey T-shirt. The pace only quickened when he spotted a light go on through the curtain behind the door. It was the light in the hallway and in it appeared a shapeless shadow that seemed to be headed for the front door. Duo knocked again, softly this time, watching the shadow halt. Then it approached him and another light was flicked on, in the kitchen. Through the thin curtain Duo could now vaguely see his neighbor, who stood in the kitchen momentarily, puzzled, or perhaps hesitant. The door was unlocked and Duo took a step back as it swung outward and Heero took a step outside. Duo's unannounced presence had clearly caught the young man by surprise and it was evident he had previously been fast asleep. His eyes were hooded, his hair tousled, even more so than usual and his navy blue fitted Tee and grey sweatpants hung, disheveled, off his slender frame. Duo felt an unexpected, eerie sense of calm as he laid eyes on the attractive young man. It was apparent that he would not be bolting, every part of his being just wanted to melt into the other and to let him absolve him. Heero didn't say anything, not knowing what Duo's intentions were. "I have no idea what I'm doing," Duo admitted, which was true on so many levels. He reached out his hand, not deterred by the sudden tenseness in Heero's body and wrapped it around the back of the young man's neck and with one jerk of his arm he swiftly pulled the other towards him, not satisfied until his body collided with his own. Being met with no resistance, he determinedly leaned down and captured Heero's lips in a powerful kiss. At first it was very unsensual, very much like an uphill battle. Heero was shell-shocked and without his guidance Duo's embarrassing inexperience showed. But when Heero relaxed against him and trailed his hands up Duo's muscular chest, everything changed. The American's hands sought for purchase in Heero's silky soft chocolate brown tresses. His tongue fought for dominance against the other. All the while the distraction of Heero's hands on his body was crippling, making it hard for him to maintain the kiss, but he desperately wanted to. Heero chuckled softly - more like a sharp breath - at Duo's lazy, sloppy attempts to keep the kiss going while being overloaded with sensations that he had denied himself for so long. The author was twelve years older than his neighbor but his bountiful life experiences did not include many passionate kisses and although happily overcome by the novelty, it was embarrassing. Heero slowed down the kiss, to soft, sensual, open mouthed kissing, foregoing intimate tongue-play or exploration with his hands. Grateful for the change of pace that allowed him to catch his breath, Duo was able to fully appreciate the softness of Heero's lips and the warmth of his body pressed against his own. He brought his hands down to the young man's waist and wrapped his arms tightly around it as he had imagined. Pressing his neighbor against him tighter still drew his attention to the fact that although Heero had the appearance of being in control and collected, as opposed to Duo, he did share his state of excitement. Duo could clearly feel the hard bulge between his shorter neighbor's legs pressing against his thigh. The realization was slightly unsettling, it was like reality knocking on the door, but he wasn't willing to answer. He just allowed the sensations to rip through him like a bolt of lightning, disregarding what might be broken or set alight. He wanted to feel and for once he didn't allow himself to consider what it all meant. The kiss had taken on a gentle, soothing quality, with both men relaxing into each other, becoming comfortable with each other. Duo wouldn't mind for the sun to set and rise a thousand times over as they continued their unhurried kiss, content with the bubble of his world shrinking around him, excluding increasingly more past experiences and negative feelings, until there were just him and Heero, locked at the lips. Nothing else existed beyond that and he was fine with that, left with a vague, distant awareness that everything else is empty and depressing anyway. It was Heero who ended the kiss, almost abruptly. With a quizzical expression he said: "I don't know what this means." Neither did Duo. "Does it have to mean anything? I like being around you and I liked… that," He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Can't we just enjoy each other's presence, for as long as we can? Rather than ignoring this – whatever this is – and being uncomfortable around each other?" Heero frowned, looking a little uncomfortable at the vague response. "You're only going to be here for a few more months anyway and I am not going to let this change my entire life. When you leave, it will over and it will be clean, for both of us." If anything Heero appeared more apprehensive, he was certainly far less enthusiastic about the development than before. "You said you wanted it if I wanted it, right?" "Right," the neighbor agreed hesitantly. "Did… Did you change your mind? Because I freaked out this afternoon?" Worried, Duo took a step closer, trying desperately to read Heero's expressions, but he couldn't decipher any of it. His body tensed up and his breath hitched in the back of his throat when he felt Heero's hand low on his stomach. He suspected the younger man was going to push him away, creating more distance between them, but before Duo could preemptively oblige, Heero pinched the fabric of his t-shirt between his thumb and forefinger and lightly toyed with it, all the while looking at his own hand intensely, like he was trying to work out a difficult problem. Then all of a sudden he strongly twisted his fingers into the fabric and Duo responded to his short neighbor tugging him closer to him. "No," He said in a whisper. "I didn't change my mind." The way he looked up at Duo in that moment, with expressive, longing eyes and white teeth gripping nervously at the full lower lip, the author had no choice but to once more succumb to the desires he had denounced. The tall man leaned forward and reclaimed Heero's lips with another passionate, albeit inexperienced kiss. It would just be for a little while, he placated the ill feeling in his stomach before the last wisps of rationality faded into the background. It was better this way, to control his dark side by sometimes giving into it, at his own terms, rather than fighting against it until it grew stronger and stronger and would inevitably take hold of him in the wrong place, at the wrong time and do more damage than it would now. Heero was leaving anyway. In many ways he was leaving just like Anthony; wholly and to never return. And then the God fearing man could be himself again. Really, it was only the presence of Heero that brought out this dangerous yearning, it had been nothing but a dull throb before he first saw the new neighbor getting out of his old red truck. A dull throb that was easy to ignore. Once Heero was gone he could go back to that. If he believed God could forgive him for his feelings for Anthony, he had to believe that God could forgive him for not being able to resist the yearning that his new neighbor evoked in him, so long as afterwards he worked as diligently as before to serve God and put his love for God ahead of his lust. He had to believe that, or else he would be lost, seeing as there was no way he could stay away from Heero, especially now that he had had a taste of the forbidden fruit. Yearning. It is one of those words that is just a word, until all of a sudden it isn't.
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