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"Love Thy Neighbor"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: AU, angst, fluff, citrus Pairings: 2x1 Summary: Duo's life gets turned upside down when
the house next to his is sold. The new neighbor exposes Duo to a lot
of new feelings but Duo's strict, religious upbringing makes him resist
them. He stubbornly denies that what he is feeling could be love. "Love Thy Neighbor" Four Relena, Terry and Bryce shunned him after his betrayal. Even though he knew he did the right thing, he felt like a Judas. But he didn't act against the righteous, Duo only aimed to protect and honor it. In that he found some form of solace, although his new neighbor sometimes made it hard on him to fight off regret. After all, by keeping Heero on the street, he had put himself in an uncomfortable, potentially dangerous situation. On top of that, Heero seemed to know something had happened and for some reason that motivated the young man to seek out contact with Duo more frequently. Duo wasn't sure if he knew what had happened and if it was his way of showing gratitude, or if he was just trying to figure out what was going on. Regardless, Heero seemed keen to up the ante. Normally - when the house next door was unoccupied - Duo could find peace and quiet on his back porch, watching the sun set, now it had become common practice for Heero to hand him a bottle of beer over the hedge separating the two yards and engaging in deceptively meaningless conversation. But it wasn't meaningless, nor without purpose, Duo knew. Heero was solidifying their friendship. To put it in construction terms - that would please the young Japanese man - he had first leveled the ground and was now pouring concrete for a sturdy foundation. Lord knows what kind of structure he aimed to built on top of that. A love shack, Duo feared, even as he recognized how arrogant it was to just assume Heero would want any sort of romantic involvement with him. Judgmental too, seeing as Heero had perfectly upheld his promise of not 'coming on to him'. Duo pretended he didn't feel a smidgen of disappointment about that. Really, what significance did a shared beer with a hedge between them hold? He was being paranoid, but so far, paranoia had kept him out of trouble. With all the confusion in his head and Heero frequently walking around the yard bare-chested, Duo welcomed the escape that that one Saturday a month offered him. He had not spoken to WuFei since the argument, nothing had really been resolved, but he trusted his friend would not bring it up and would rather pretend the confrontation had never happened, like he would. A kind of childlike enthusiasm came over him as he dressed into an old pair of jeans and a sweat shirt he used to work out in. Last month they had had to cancel because Carlton had a business trip and they couldn't find a replacement on short notice, seeing as both WuFei and Duo had a limited circle of friends, especially the kind willing to spend their Saturdays the way they liked to do. It would take his mind off things and that was all he could hope for. He had just finished tying his tennis shoes when he heard WuFei's van pull into the driveway. He jumped to his feet and headed out the front door to greet him, his heart rate picking up a little in anticipation of seeing him for the first time since the fight. WuFei had parked his black van behind Duo's sedan. The van had been modified so he could control everything with his hands, rather than relying on foot pedals for speed and brakes. He usually kept his wheelchair in the passenger seat for easy access, he only put it in the back if he had a passenger. Duo noted the wheelchair in the front seat, though not irregular, that was unexpected. Because it was kind of a hassle to get out of the car for only a brief stop, WuFei just threw the door open to greet Duo. "Hey man, what's up?" Duo was relieved everything seemed to have returned to normal between them. And why would he be surprised? That is how it always was between them; an unspoken agreement to pretend confrontations like that had never happened, until next time of course. "Fine." He nodded to the chair in the front seat. "Where is Alex, is he meeting us there?" WuFei made an apologetic face. "He's not coming." Duo would have cursed if not for his strict upbringing. He bit back his more colorful exclamations and just wondered: "Why?" "Something came up at work," WuFei explained, he didn't seem too concerned, even though their Saturday afternoon was apparently ruined in the absence of Alex. Having spotted the black van in Duo's driveway, Carlton crossed the street and approached them. He bumped fists with WuFei in greeting and patted Duo on the shoulder. "Where's Alex?" He instantly inquired. "Couldn't make it. Work," Duo answered, not veiling his disappointment. WuFei shrugged his shoulders. "We just need another guy to fill in." "That's easier said than done. If that was so straightforward, we wouldn't have had to cancel last time," Duo muttered. Not only was he disappointed, he was a little angry as well, couldn't WuFei have called them to let them know? All of a sudden a smile overcame WuFei's face as he looked past both Duo and Carlton. "I don't think we'll be too hard-pressed to find a replacement." With a frown Duo turned around and followed WuFei's smug gaze, across the lawn of the neighboring house, to the front door, where Heero had just emerged. God's timing was questionable. Heero gave the three of them a strange look as they had been staring. He stopped by his old truck, but as opposed to getting in, he called to them. "Something I can help you with?" Duo felt his stomach become heavy as lead. Heero walked up to them as WuFei waved him over. A little uncomfortable, he tucked his hands into his jeans pockets. Obviously it was a little awkward that the three of them had been shamelessly gawking at him, each with his own, odd expression, as he made his way across the yard. WuFei extended out his hand, in between Duo and Carlton, towards Heero. "Hi, I'm WuFei, Duo's friend." Duo hated how that made it sound like WuFei was Duo's only friend. He hated it even more that it was true. Carlton wasn't so much a friend as a necessary number three, the way Alex was a necessary number four. Heero seemed to relax, his hands came out of his pocket and he reached out one to shake with WuFei's. "Nice to meet you, I'm Heero." "Do you have any plans for today, Heero?" The young man shrugged his shoulder and casually replied: "I was just going to make a trip to the store for some pain stripper and start work on the window sills." "That's too bad," WuFei continued innocently, "you see, we had plans for today that requires a fourth person. It really doesn't work with just the three of us. We had hoped you would want to join us, but... if you're busy..." Duo rolled his eyes, all too familiar with the game WuFei was playing. Guilt-tripping was a strategy most cunningly applied by a paraplegic, he long discovered, as WuFei had shamelessly exploited his personal tragedy in the past. Soon he would be throwing around the c-word - cripple - and Heero would cave to his every request. Interestingly, it turned out there was no need for the ultimate pity-party. Heero aimed his gaze at Duo, hopeful, and wondered: "Really, you want me to join you?" Great, Heero, too, knew how to play you're-a-dick-if-you-say-no-to-me like a boss. Duo stumbled as he clarified: "Not me especially but... uh... you'd be helping us out, we really need an even number." The smile that appeared on Heero's face was breathtaking and Duo had to look away. "So, what will I be doing?" "Nonono," WuFei interjected before Duo or Carlton could speak, "don't say anything, don't spoil it. You know how much I love seeing their faces when we get there and we open up the back of the van." "Well, I like surprises and spontaneity, but that does make it more challenging to incorporate appropriate footwear," Heero joked lightheartedly. "Don't worry, you're dressed just fine," Carlton assured. Of course Carlton didn't think much of the tight pair of jeans and equally fitted shirt the young neighbor was wearing, but Duo wished he would change into something less flattering and eye-catching. Although he had come to realize that Heero looked eye-catching in anything. Very bothersome. He blinked and looked away when he realized he had been staring. "But you might want to bring a fresh T-shirt or something," Carlton added. "We'll be getting sweaty, especially with the sun out." "Okay, then, uh, I'll be right back." Heero jogged back to the house and disappeared inside. As soon as he was out of sight, Duo turned back to WuFei and glared at him. "Seriously? Seriously? Why do I have a feeling Alex doesn't have a work emergency at all?" WuFei snorted. "Oh please, like I planned this. I'm not that good. Maybe you should consider it a sign." Carlton, completely in the dark, wondered aloud: "What are you guys talking about?" "Nothing," WuFei and Duo answered in unison and then they shared a look. Carlton just shrugged, not invested enough to press the matter. WuFei asked Carlton to move his wheelchair from the passenger seat to the back of the van, meanwhile Duo and WuFei kept staring at each other, a wordless exchange of arguments. WuFei seemed smug and victorious and Duo wanted nothing more than to wipe the grin off his face. He knew he was overreacting, but he felt betrayed, not to mention disappointed and frustrated that his care-free day would end up being the opposite. Now he had to worry about Heero all day; what the young man thought of him; how he should act around him; what he should say - what he could say. Heero returned quickly, locking the front door behind him. He carried a leather shoulder bag, with a change of clothes and a bottle of water. The same childish joy Duo had previously been experiencing seemed to have overcome the new neighbor and Duo resigned to his fate, knowing it wouldn't be right to back-paddle out of the situation. "Heero can ride with me," WuFei announced, "Duo, you take Carlton." Duo frowned at his friend. On one hand, he appreciated not having to sit through the thirty minute drive in the sole presence of Heero in the admittedly limited space of his sporty sedan, on the other hand he was acutely aware WuFei did not make that decision on the basis of sparing him any hardship, so he had to wonder what the devilish Chinese had up his sleeve. But since it would be suspicious to argue with him, Duo merely nodded and walked back to the sedan with Carlton, while Heero, a little apprehensive, climbed into the passenger seat of the black van. In the rear-view-mirror Duo could see them exchange smiles and words and he instantly fretted over what they could be saying. Duo followed the black van out of the neighborhood, to the highway and off a near parkway. Beside him Carlton rattled, the neighbors had still been buzzing about the interesting turn of events at the Neighborhood's Association meeting and Carlton was loving all the controversy and drama. Luckily, he never questioned if Duo's appeal had been motivated by more than simple real estate logic. Duo knew he would be a stumbling mess trying to talk his way out of that one, seeing as he still didn't have the answers himself. When they arrived at their destination they parked their vehicles alongside each other. As Heero took in the surroundings, Duo got out WuFei's collapsible wheelchair and set it up right next to the driver's seat so WuFei could climb into it. "Care to venture a guess?" WuFei asked, bemused. Heero looked at the gated basketball court before them, beyond that a tennis field and even further back an oval shaped track. At the other side of the lot was the main building. Formally, people had to sign in and ask for a key for access to the sport fields, but WuFei was head of the committee that raised the money to build everything, so he had his own key. "Basketball?" Heero offered, hesitation evident in his tone. As anyone would, he must be wondering how, with one of them in a wheelchair, Duo thought, but that problem had been taken care of. They invited Heero to join them behind the van and show him the contents. Heero smiled, realization dawning on him, as he looked in the back and spotted three additional, folded up wheelchairs. "Damnit," WuFei muttered, "he isn't shocked." Duo climbed inside to get the wheelchairs and hand them to Carlton who put them on the ground. The wheelchairs were a loan from the rehabilitation center at the other end of the field. One Saturday a month they loaned three to play wheelchair basketball with WuFei. Alex Muller was their usual fourth, he had been WuFei's physical therapist following his accident and he was quick to get WuFei involved in sports again, dragging Duo and Carlton with him. In spite of initial reluctance from all involved parties, it turned out to be fun and a good workout at that. "Cool," Heero simply commented. "Duo, why don't you and Carlton play one-on-one for a couple of minutes, so Heero can observe and I can explain some of the changes in the rules?" WuFei suggested as the others seated themselves in the wheelchairs. Already feeling uncomfortable knowing Heero's eyes would be on him, he was tempted to refuse, but he knew better than to make a big deal of it. "Sure." WuFei unlocked the gate and he and Heero rolled to the sideline and Duo and Carlton passed them and headed onto the court, Carlton having their basketball in his lap. They started a short game to give Heero an example of what to expect. The sport was a little more intensive one-on-one, Duo noted, as he had to work harder to cover his half of the court in defense, as well as speed his way over to the other basket whenever he got possession of the ball. Heero's focused gaze didn't help matters either. To his dismay, Duo could tell that he was trying harder than usual, trying harder to play well and look good while doing it. It was so childish, it reminded him of high school. He hated high school. And was it just him or was Heero only looking at him and never at Carlton? With the ball in his lap after stealing it away from Carlton he raced to the other side of the court. He dribbled as far as he could, but that was one of the things he found hardest about wheelchair basketball. When he reckoned he was close enough, he put the ball in his lap and grabbed both wheels. He was only allowed to touch his wheels twice, more would be considered 'traveling', so he had to push hard to cross the remaining distance. Even though in their seated position their reach was much shorter, the baskets were at regular height, so it took good aim to make a shot from way down low. With fiercely competitive eyes he watched the ball soar through the air towards the orange hoop and he felt relief and pride like never before when the ball cleanly passed through the net, a perfect shot. "Wow, amazing!" Heero appreciated. Duo blushed and looked away as Heero smiled at him and applauded his achievement. "See? It's not really that different from regular basketball." Heero nodded in agreement and seemed eager to join. "It's probably going to take me a while to get used to the chair though," he said apologetically. "That's okay," WuFei assured him, "they are still a little clumsy at times as well. As you can imagine, I have become quite a pro. You can team up with me." Duo was just grateful WuFei had not evilly decided to pair Heero up with him. Of course in hindsight he realized that wasn't much of an advantage to him. Members of opposing teams came into contact with each other more often than members of the same team. He often found himself in close proximity to Heero, dueling with him for possession of the ball. Heero got used to the chair and the game quickly, adjusting almost instantly. That probably had something to do with that youthful vitality that Duo, nor WuFei, nor Carlton still had. They had only near-middle-aged vitality to rely on and it was paling in comparison. Heero also wasn't shy about stealing the ball out of someone's lap. Elbows grazing over arms and thighs to snatch the ball out of the other's lap. But even though that made Duo uncomfortable, he recognized the young man wasn't trying anything other than play the game well. He was just reading too much into it. He seemed just as vigorous in his attacks on Carlton and he didn't seem to think anything of it. As it turned out, on top of everything else, Heero was a good shot too. In the beginning he had trouble getting close enough to the opponent's hoop, being blocked by Duo and Carlton, limited by the rules and finding long-distance dribbling as much of a challenge as Duo, but he quickly learned to bypass their defenses and the rules didn't restrain him much either once he had had some practice. By the time they agreed on a brief hydration-break, WuFei and Heero had amounted a total score of seven - three points away from winning the game. Four of those points - a free throw and a three-pointer - were Heero's. Remarkable for someone who had never been in a wheelchair before. Just like that, Heero became 'one of the guys', at least where WuFei and Carlton were concerned. Duo was still reserved, the platonic relationship compromised by his own inner demons. Nothing Heero could be faulted for, no matter how much Duo wished that to be the case. "You are pretty damn good at this," Carlton complimented as he reached for his bottle of water. "Give credit where credit's due, Carl," WuFei replied playfully, "he's all kinds of awesome." He comradely patted Heero on the back. Heero smiled, he seemed genuinely happy. "How come you're so good at this?" Duo was a little surprised that he had even asked, but suddenly curiosity had gotten the better of him. Heero shrugged, taking a swig from his own water bottle. "I guess I've just gotten used to playing basketball from a low angle, being short and all." "So you've played before?" Heero quirked an eyebrow at Duo for asking him that. "Of course. Why?" Backed into a corner, Duo felt like he had no other option but to answer truthfully. "I didn't think you'd be into stuff like this." "Because I'm gay?" Heero verified, his tone not accusing. Duo didn't answer, not willing to state the obvious. Heero smiled, appearing patient in handling Duo's bias. "Duo, not every gay guy grows up wanting an easy-bake oven for Christmas. I got dirt bikes and basketballs and skateboards and I loved all that stuff." Duo caught the meaningful look WuFei gave him, adding to his discomfort, but he ignored it. Instead, he apologized for being judgmental. "That's okay, no need to apologize," Heero said genuinely. "Jesus, Duo, way to keep things casual," Carlton remarked. "It's fine," Heero interjected, "I've had to answer questions like that all my life. I'm used to it, I'm okay with it. I only get upset when I have to tell people the same thing over and over again and they still don't see me the way I am." WuFei nodded. "I sort of have the same thing. Since the chair, people see me differently and treat me differently. Some get used to it and after a while they don't see the chair anymore. To others I am nothing but a chair. They treat me like less of a person, they baby me or they avoid me. I hate that." Duo thoughtfully looked away. He hadn't even considered that WuFei had had to deal with judgment and biases much like Heero. His friend had always acted so casual in regards to his physical state, Duo had been too quick in assuming everything was fine with him. "What do you say we end this little group-therapy session and head back onto the court? Duo and I still have a two point difference to make up," Carlton suggested, probably as eager as Duo to end the surprisingly intimate conversation. They rolled back onto the court and continued their match. As WuFei and Heero neared their ten-point win with another two points, the game became a little bit more aggressive, the chairs frequently grazed and bumped into each other. When Duo sped towards Heero to steal the ball from him as he was about to score the winning point, he miscalculated the distance, his speed and the amount of time and space he needed to avert collision. With the front of his chair he crashed into the side of Heero's wheelchair and ended up practically flying out of his seat. The momentum with which he came forward caused Heero's chair to tilt to the left and together they fell down to the concrete court. "Holy shit!" Carlton exclaimed and he hurried to the crash site. "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Duo asked, rolling off of Heero and quickly scrambling to his feet. Unbridled worry had drained all color from his complexion. Not to mention the embarrassment of landing right on top of him. Heero, still lying on his back, chuckled. "I'm fine. Dirt bikes and skateboards, remember?" In spite of his assurance he groaned when he sat upright. "I'm so sorry." Heero laughed away Duo's concerns. "Don't worry about it." He got up and dusted off his jeans. "I'm young, I bounce right back. What about you, old man?" Heero grinned. To be honest, Duo had felt a little rickety and sore after the fall, but he'd be damned to admit that. He shrugged his shoulders, ignoring the ache in the one he had landed on - he would have a bruise the size of a small European country tomorrow, he knew. Heero smiled. It made Duo forget about the aching pain in his joints. Damn that. "I think after a foul like that I deserve a free-throw, right?" He picked up his wheelchair and put it upright and sat back down in it. Just like the previous free-throw, Heero didn't miss. The ball went clean through the net with only the softest swoosh, finishing the game in favor of WuFei and Heero. Carlton grumbled at his defeat. They all changed into the clean T-shirts they had brought with them. Duo purposefully had his back turned towards Heero so he wouldn't have to see the handsome young man peel his sweat soaked shirt off his toned body. They finished their bottles of water before folding up the wheelchairs and putting them back in the van. Again, WuFei suggested Heero should ride with him and Duo could do nothing but accept, caught between a rock and a hard place. The two vehicles pulled into Duo's driveway midday. Relena was already waiting for her husband in the doorway of their house, so he hurried over, thanking them for the afternoon. WuFei wasn't going to stick around either, he remained seated in the car, said his goodbyes and winked at Duo before closing the driver's side door and putting the van in reverse. With a final wave he drove off, leaving Duo feeling very uncomfortable, standing next to Heero, not knowing what to say. Heero did. "Thank you for inviting me," he said sweetly, looking up at Duo, big blue eyes squinting in the bright sun. "Sure." Duo felt awkward accepting his gratitude, after all, if it had been up to him, he wouldn't have invited Heero along. For him, the whole point of that day had been to get away from Heero and all the confusing questions that kept popping up in his head whenever he was around the attractive Japanese man. "WuFei's great," said attractive man continued, prolonging the conversation. "He is. You can ask, you know." "Ask?" Heero frowned. "What happened to him, why he is in a wheelchair." Everyone always did, as soon as WuFei would leave, they would ask Duo what happened to him. No one ever dared to ask WuFei himself, but morbid curiosity always had them seeking answers with him. "I wasn't going to ask," Heero replied sincerely. "That is up to WuFei. If he doesn't tell, I can only assume that is with good reason, so I shouldn't ask and put him in an uncomfortable position." Duo nodded. "I was going to ask you about this, though." Heero zipped open his shoulder bag and delved one hand inside. He pulled out a thick, hard cover book. Duo recognized it instantly with a sinking feeling in his stomach. "WuFei gave me this." Little meddler, Duo thought, glaring at the book in Heero's hands, his book. He wished that just as he had made it once appear through his own efforts, he had also reserved the power to make it disappear, if he would just try hard enough. No such luck, it was still right there, cradled in Heero's long, slim fingers. "Did you write this?" It seemed like a rhetorical question, since his name was in bold on the cover, so he didn't say anything. "I didn't even know you were a writer," he stated, "I hope I won't offend you, but I have to admit, I had never heard of you, or this book." "Don't worry about it. I've sold a lot of copies, but not many people remember it, or me. The words one-hit-wonder and one-day-fly got tossed around a lot after it got published, because I never managed to write another." Heero stared at the cover pensively. Then he looked up and asked: "May I read it?" Duo snorted and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Like I could stop you." "You could." Duo gazed into his eyes, recognizing the sincerity. Even though he cringed at the thought of Heero reading his words - his truth, his life - he didn't want to be childish and forbid him to read it. How could he? Millions of other people have read it. If he had wanted to keep its contents a secret, he should have thought twice before releasing it internationally. Still, having his book be out there in the world, never felt as exposing as it did with a copy of it in Heero's hands. He didn't know exactly what that meant, but he knew it meant trouble. "Sure," he finally answered, "if it was a secret I should not have let them translate it into seven languages." Heero seemed impressed by the success of his work. Duo would have been proud if not for the fact that that exact success was in all likelihood a fluke. "So, what did WuFei say when he gave it to you?" He curiously inquired. "Just that I shouldn't tell you about it." For the first time Duo felt like Heero wasn't being completely candid with him. Knowing his friend, WuFei probably had a lot more to say about it than Heero let on. "Why did you?" He asked, clarifying: "Tell me, I mean." "It says 'semi-autobiographical' on the back," Heero turned the book over and pointed at the very words, hidden in the flattering blurb that was composed out of the most positive newspaper reviews and some of his own quotes. "It didn't feel right to read it without your permission. Everyone should be allowed to keep secrets," he added softly. "Having your neighbor read it is different from having someone in Yemen read one of it's translations, I get that." Duo nodded. "Thanks." He offered Heero a smile in turn for his respect and understanding which he greatly appreciated. He realized he could have easily prevented Heero from reading it, sparing himself some significant discomfort, but even though he worried what the young man would think of it, he felt a little bit more calm about it, now that he was once more reminded of Heero's kindness. With a sudden frown he questioned: "Yemen?" Heero laughed. "I don't know, first far away foreign place that popped into my head, I guess." "Well, let me know what you think of it," Duo requested, trying to sound cool and like his heart hadn't jumped up into his throat, effectively suffocating him. "I will." Heero smiled at him again. It was magnificent, Duo couldn't help but stare. That was bad. Ready to remove himself from the situation before Heero's incredible smile would make him question his principles, he pointed back at his house and said: "I uh, should probably head inside. Do something productive." He never did anything productive, but he needed a valid excuse. Heero seemed disappointed but he made no objections. Trying to hide it, he took a few steps back towards his own house. "Yeah, me too. Should probably get ahead of schedule, make time for some reading," he held up the book. "Yeah. Bye." He headed for his front door. "Duo!" Heero called. He turned and watched Heero take two hesitant steps towards him again, the book held against his chest. For some reason that made his heart beat powerfully. "Yeah?" He bit his lip. "Thank you, for today. I- I really appreciate it." "Sure," Duo replied dumbly. Heero finished with a heartfelt, vulnerable smile and walked back to his house, disappearing inside. "What am I getting myself into?" Duo asked himself. He shouldn't let Heero get too close to him. The young man's intentions may not be ill, but there was no way for Duo to prepare for and protect himself from the feelings that the neighbor might - will - inadvertently awaken. And now, on top of everything else, Heero will be reading his book, who knew what kind of ideas that would spark? God knows WuFei had taken every word to heart and latched onto the quote on the back: 'semi-autobiographical', of course mostly strategically ignoring the 'semi'. In truth, the 'semi' didn't mean much more than Duo changing the names of all pivotal characters and places in order to make it plausible that it was not fully autobiographical. But still, the pretense of the 'semi' was important. He went inside and made himself something to eat, then settled into a comfortable chair to spend the rest of the day in someone else's head, in someone else's word, because his own head and his own world had become too clouded and complicated to handle. Diving into the adventurous life of a shipwreck diver who gets caught up in the world of drug trafficking seemed like a lighthearted escape in comparison. When he went to bed late that night, he noticed the lights were still on in the old house. He peered through the window, but he couldn't see Heero anywhere. He wondered with coiling stomach if Heero was tucked away in a corner somewhere, reading his book. That simple thought kept him up most of the night, staring at his ceiling. Although in the end he had been the one to give Heero permission to read his book, over the course of the night he started to resent WuFei for ever giving it to the young man. The intentions of his scheming friend became clear to him in the dead of night. WuFei had likely given Heero the book to convince him of his own conviction: that Duo was gay and that he should just accept it and live a happily homosexual life. He never could explain to the Chinese man that the book meant the exact opposite. WuFei probably counted on Heero taking away the same thing he had and acting on that, seducing Duo into coming to terms with his sexuality. Duo grumbled, realizing there was another intense argument with WuFei in his near future. He recognized his friend meant well, but all his good intentions were based on an assumption Duo was sure to be false, that he could not decide for himself who he was going to be and who he was going to love. And all WuFei's efforts to make Duo more accepting of himself and allow him to live a happy and full life, were backfiring, because all he felt was confusion and resentment for his past mistakes, bordering on self-hatred. In the morning it was quiet. Normally Heero was up early and though the noises were never disruptive or obnoxiously loud in the early hours of the day, Duo had always noticed that Heero started work between eight and nine AM. He figured Heero was probably sleeping in, he might have worked until late at night, to make up for the fact that he didn't spend his Saturday morning and early afternoon according to plan. Duo made use of the quiet by having his morning coffee on the back porch, watching the morning dew on the leaves evaporate as the sun climbed steadily into the azure blue sky. Weather wise, it was going to be a marvelous day, Duo appreciated. "Good morning, neighbor." Duo nearly spilled hot coffee in his lap at the unexpected greeting. After securing his hold on his cup and balancing it, he turned his head to look over the hedge into the neighboring yard. Heero was standing on his porch, in light grey sweats and a white T-shirt, his hair tousled, more so than usual. He was holding his book. "Good morning," he replied, not entirely convinced it would be. "I read your book," the Asian man stated. He wasn't smiling like he usually was when talking to him, Duo noted. Did that mean he didn't like it? "Oh? That was fast." "I read all through the night." So did that mean that he did like it? Duo was anxious to find out. When Heero fell silent for longer than he could stand, he feigned a casual, marginally interested tone and asked: "What do you think of it?" Heero remained silent for a little longer, looking thoughtful, perhaps confused even. "I loved it," he said, but he still looked confused. "But?" Heero sighed, his mouth opened to say something, but he second-guessed himself and ended up just shutting his mouth again. "It's okay, Heero, you can be honest. I didn't really think you would like it at all, considering the religious tone of it." "I really did love it," he clarified, "I just find it hard to believe that you wrote it." Duo frowned, feeling offended. "What, you don't think I have it in me?" "No, please, you misunderstand, I don't mean to offend you... It's just... You believe in God, right?" "Of course." "And the Bible?" "Yes." "And Jesus?" "Where is this going?" He bit his lips, aware that the combined topic of his novel and his religious beliefs was delicate. "The tone of the book seems so contradictive to your belief." Duo's frown deepened. "What are you talking about? The whole story is about a boy, growing into a young man, using God's word to improve his life and follow a righteous path." "Well, yes, but it felt satirical. Like the book was mocking God's strict and unyielding teachings and pointing out to the reader how unnatural it is to follow the Bible to the letter. What the main character does might be the will of God, but it is very destructive. It's sad." Even though his technical writing skill was not under attack, he felt extremely insulted by Heero's remark. He rose out of his seat. "That's ridiculous." Not a very effective argument, he recognized. "I'm sorry, but as I read it, I felt like it was a sarcastic narrative. It was so extreme, it couldn't possibly be taken seriously." "Well, then you misread it," Duo bit. Heero scoffed. "I read it just fine." In turn, Duo snorted and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "They talk about the prejudice of religious people, but it's clear you are no better. You read the story from a biased perspective and in doing so you twisted its meaning into something perverse and offensive." Heero looked away, frustrated. "I'm sorry, I clearly shouldn't have said anything." "What do you know about literature anyway? You're just a kid. What do you know about life?" Duo continued on his war path after having his ego - and his faith - stepped on. "I've been fucked by life often enough to have gained intimate knowledge of it. Unlike you, I'm not running away from it, so I might even know more about life than you do." He approached the hedge and reached out the book towards him. "Here, take it. You might want to reread it and have a talk with your editor." Duo snatched the book out of his hand. Heero promptly turned around and walked back into his house. Duo sighed, deflating after the argument. He looked down at the book in his hands. Prick, he thought, but Heero's words started gnawing at him. A few hours later he sat at his dinner table, working his way through a meager lunch and with a frustrated growl he flipped the book open to a random page. He read a few sentences, the words were exactly the way he remembered them. He could even vividly remember writing those exact words. The book was organized into several chapters, the titles were based on teachings of the Lord, that he had been taught as a young man through the Bible, through the priest and through his parents. The story followed the main character, Jack, through his adolescence and early twenties. Jack's life was modeled nearly exactly after Duo's. He had not set out to write about himself, but that is the direction it quickly took. The story wrote itself and there was no fighting the flow. At the beginning of the story, Jack is confronted with romantic feelings for his best friend, Andrew. By the end of the story Jack has learned to suppress those feelings and live his life according to the will of God. It was a story about choice and hope - or so he thought. He wondered why Heero read the story differently. Surely a difference in religious perspective wasn't the only thing at work there? Was it really that hard to believe that someone could make a choice like that? He was still chewing on his last bite of sandwich when he had dialed WuFei's number. "Don't tell me, you're a sore loser," WuFei mocked by way of greeting. "You gave Heero my book," Duo stated flatly. "Yeah. With clear instructions not to tell you about it..." "He read it, was up all night reading it. We just had a fight about it." "Why? Didn't he like it?" "He did," Duo answered, "but for different reasons than I intended, I think. He told me to call my editor, but since I hate my official editor and he hates me, I decided to call you. You were effectively my editor, after all." "And why did he tell you to call me?" Duo grumbled. "He said the book read like satire, like a sarcastic story meaning the exact opposite of what I intended it to." Duo chuckled bitterly. "Oh boy..." Duo blinked, his body tensed. "Oh boy?" He repeated. "Was there some truth to that?" "Look, everybody reads a story differently, the same story can mean different things to different people-" He felt like his friend wasn't being completely honest with him. He interrupted: "Okay... so what did it mean to you?" "Does it matter?" "You are deflecting," Duo accused. "Now it definitely matters." WuFei sighed lengthily. "To be honest," he paused, perhaps in a final moment of hesitation, "I thought the same thing as Heero. I think ninety percent of the people that bought it share this opinion. Jack is so obviously gay and in love with his friend, but he throws it all away because his parents and a creepy priests have scared and bullied him into submission. More than anything, it seemed like the story was pointing out how cruel it was for people to not accept homosexuality. In the beginning, Jack is full of life, but by the end he is dead inside. And the saddest thing is that Jack thinks he is getting his happily ever after, when in fact he is resigning to a mediocre, empty life." Duo got out of his seat and started pacing. WuFei's words made him sick. He wasn't sure why, but he told himself it was just because he was upset that his book had been interpreted that way. "So it's not what you intended..." The Chinese man tried to appease, "It doesn't mean it's not a good book, or that you are not a good writer," he assured me. "No? In the very least it means that I didn't write the book that I thought I wrote. How dumb is that?" Inexplicably, the most pressing thought that came to mind was that he yelled at Heero for just pointing out the truth to him. Worse still, he realized, even if it had not been the truth and just an opinion, he shouldn't have been so harsh. He let his wounded ego lash out when he shouldn't have. Great, he thought, so basically he acted like a dick again. "The point is, you wrote a great book," WuFei countered, "you and other devotedly religious people get a different message than the general public, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that, unwittingly or not, you wrote a book that speaks to everyone and they all went out and bought it." "Unwittingly or not?" Duo questioned. "Do you think I wrote it with a sarcastic undertone on purpose? Mock my own religion to sell a few extra copies?" "A few extra million copies," WuFei deadpanned. "Well, I didn't." "Maybe subconsciously you did." Duo rolled his eyes, knowing what they were about to get into. "Maybe subconsciously you knew that the choices that Jack makes in his life are not right by any standard other than 'God's' and maybe that is why the story ended up having a satirical, tongue-in-cheek tone to it," The Chinese man explained. "Here we go again." Duo shook his head in frustration. "And it all circles back to me being in denial about being gay, right? I've told you so many times, I was young, I gave in to misguided urges. In the end, I knew I had a choice to make and I made the right one," Duo reacted defensively. "Are you still so sure it is a choice?" WuFei asked poignantly. "Did it seem like Thomas had a choice? Or, what was his real name? Andrew..." Duo took a deep breath. "I thought we weren't going to talk about Anthony anymore." "Anthony! That's right... Anthony." "I'm hanging up now," Duo warned, feeling his throat close up with heavy emotions. "You're not just hanging up, you are running away. I'm not saying these things to hurt you. I'm saying this because I want your story to have a happy ending and the ending of the book is not happy and we both know it's not really the ending either. Please, I-" Duo hung up, not sure he could control his feelings and he didn't want to get emotional. That would just make it that much harder to convince WuFei - and himself - that everything was right the way it was. He walked the phone back to the docking station and sighed. He hadn't thought about Anthony for a long time, with good reason. It were difficult memories. All mistakes were difficult to remember, this mistake was particularly heart wrenching. He crawled into his comfortable lounge chair in the living room and picked up the book he had started reading yesterday. But the printed words wouldn't reach him, they were but mere black smudges on the white page that never got turned over. The reflective red letters on the hardcover of his book caught the rays of the setting sun, peeking through the back window as it sank low enough to reach under the porch. Duo's gaze was drawn to the book that lay abandoned on the window sill, where he had left it in anger on his way to his reading corner. The red letters gleamed in the light. DUO MAXWELL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Duo felt angry thinking of all the readers who must have thought the same thing as Heero and WuFei, that the main character was crazy to live by the antiquated rules of the Lord and the Good Book. And what a fool had he made himself to be in those interviews at the time, completely unaware of the ambiguous meaning of his novel? He hated the thought that people saw him as antagonist to the church, when in reality he had devoted his entire life to its teachings, donating substantial amounts of money and time preserving its diminishing presence in modern society and its influence on the younger generation. He could only hope that the priests and families he had worked with at the time failed to see the unintentional double innuendo, as he had, or else the shame would be unbearable. A particular question was inevitable. To what extent was WuFei correct? To what extent did he willingly - albeit subconsciously - construct the story in a way that it had two sides, two perspectives on it? While he had always been convinced that, to him, there was only one perspective. The path he had chosen in honor of his religion was one of hardship - constant effort and suppression of feelings and desires - had a part of him faltered along the way, grown to resent and reject this hardship? Could his book, in a way, be considered a desperate cry for help? It was obvious WuFei believed so. He had been answering this call in vain all this time. He closed the book he had attempted to read, giving up on it. His mind was too distracted. At an arm's length or not, the new neighbor had already stirred up more dust than Duo had been willing to let him and now a word, crudely etched in the concrete foundation of his life, had become exposed. The way prisoners of war scratched messages in the stone walls of their cells. GAY. Am I? The other inevitable question. One that had tilted his life askew since it first came to him when he was just a kid. Even if he was, he could decide not to be, right? People dye their hair, have surgeries - plastic and medical -, get addictions, quit addictions, change personal styles, change jobs... People can decide who they want to be, change everything about themselves. Why would sexuality supposedly be set in stone? Persistent knocks on his front door disrupted his thoughts. Counting on it being WuFei, to continue the discussion they had over the phone that afternoon, he answered the door without hesitation. Duo was stunned when his eyes landed on an unexpected guest. Heero stood on his porch. Duo had expected some malice in his expression, but Heero just looked calm and friendly. In one hand he held a six-pack of beer, balanced on the open palm of his other hand: two pizza boxes stacked on top of each other. To say his was surprised at the gesture was a gross euphemism. All Duo could really do was stare in wonder and confusion. "This is what friends do, right?" Heero challenged mildly, sporting a tentative smile. "They disagree, they fight, they are total dicks to each other and then they have beer and pizza and move on." Endeared, Duo let go of his defenses and bantered: "Friends or future AA and WeightWatchers buddies?" Heero chuckled and shrugged. "What's the difference? How else to seal a friendship but to consume alcohol and carbs and grow to be old, fat drunks together?" Heero sighed and turned more serious when he asked if he could come inside. "Uh, sure." Duo held the door open wide for him, noticing in dismay the skip of his heartbeat when Heero passed by him narrowly. "Thanks. Can I put this down somewhere?" "Yeah," Duo looked around his house and then pointed at the coffee table. "Right there will be fine." Heero put away the pizza and beer and then turned to face Duo. "I wanted to apologize for this morning. I should have been more sensitive to that fact that your novel must mean a lot to you and I shouldn't have dumped my opinion on you like that. It was disrespectful. Obviously people have differing viewpoints and I shouldn't have forced my perspective down your throat like that." With a smile he added: "Keep in mind that I was probably just a little cranky. I had been up all night reading, after all." "I should apologize as well. I was being way too stubborn, getting all Wounded-Ego on you. I shouldn't have done that. I should have recognized that it was your opinion, your perspective and I should have respected that." He wasn't quite ready to admit that mostly he was just upset about what it implied about him and the choice he had made. He needed to believe that he made the right choice - that it was even a choice to begin with - he clung to that desperately. Without it, he wouldn't know where he'd be, or who he'd be. They both chuckled nervously at the pregnant silence that settled between them after their exchange of apologies. "Beer and pizza?" Heero suggested. "Yes, please." Duo pointed him to the sitting area. He took a seat on the couch and Heero sat down in a chair opposite of him. The young Asian pulled two bottles from the six pack, reaching one out to Duo across the coffee table and he opened both pizza boxes. "I didn't know what you would like, so I got two pretty standard pizza toppings," he explained, lifting a slice of barbeque pizza out of the box. "This is just fine." Duo accepted a piece of pizza Hawaii. Once both had a few swigs of beer and had finished their first slice, Heero dared to start up the conversation again. "So, tell me about your book," he kindly requested, sitting back with the second slice, his legs folded underneath him in the seat, Indian style. Duo frowned, struggling with a string of molten cheese. "What do you mean?" "I was quick to tell you what I thought of it, when I should have asked what it means to you. It is your book after all, semi-autobiographical no less. It must be really personal to you and you must have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it." "I certainly do now," Duo admitted. "I called WuFei and apparently he thought the same thing as you, all along. And he suspects many more people share your opinion on the book." Heero looked guilty. "It's okay. I'm not upset you told me. I only wished someone had told me sooner, preferably before I ever had it published. Because the message that most people take away from it, that religion is extreme and oppressive, is not the message I wanted to send. What I wanted to tell people through this book, through my life, was that God could offer sanctuary in troubling times." Duo shook his head, the thought still angered him. "Who knows where Jack would have ended up, if not for God's guidance? Probably in an Aids clinic, with no family. All because of a single thing he felt when he was a young kid, something he couldn't have possibly made sense out of at such a young age." He frowned slightly at his words, he had heard those before, but he had never said them before himself. Heero seemed taken aback by Duo's remark, even hurt by it. Realizing his mistake, Duo amended: "I don't mean that I think all gay people end up like that. I just think that would have been Jack's path if not for God's gracious intervention. He would have ended up alone, alienated from his community, loveless." "Or he could have met someone and be perfectly happy," Heero supplied calmly. "Maybe with Thomas." There he was again, 'Thomas', or, as he was known to reality: Anthony. "To be honest, Duo, the ending in the story might seem happy on the surface, but that is not the ending, as you are Jack and your life is different from the way it was on the final page. To me it seems like you are just as lonely and loveless as you feared to become," Heero stated cautiously, unsure what kind of reactions he would provoke. Duo would have responded defensively if it hadn't occurred to him in that very moment that Heero was right. Few friends, detached from society - basically living like a hermit - and no romantic involvement in years. His head felt fuzzy, overwhelmed with things he had never even considered. He had been so preoccupied in telling himself and everyone who cared to listen that he was fine and that this was the life he had chosen for himself, that he never stopped to think if his decision worked out the way he had hoped. Recognizing his neighbors inner struggle, Heero casually changed the subject. "How do you like the pizza?" Duo was grateful for the change to the lighthearted. He offered him a smile. "It's excellent." Heero smiled back, adding to his undeniable beauty. When they had each finished a second bottle of bear and an impressive amount of pizza slices as well as all possible small talk topics, Duo's masochistic curiosity got the better of him. After a silence had been allowed to exist between them for a moment or two, he asked Heero seriously: "Do you think I am gay?" Heero seemed perplexed that he would ask, but he soon regained his composure. "Do you want me to answer truthfully, or like a friend?" "Aren't they the same?" He smiled again. "Yeah, you're right." "Well? Do you think I'm gay?" Subconsciously, he held his breath. Heero stared at him with a serious gaze, trying to read him. "Yes," he finally answered. Duo instantly felt uncomfortable. "Because of the book?" "No," Heero replied calmly, his gaze fixated on Duo. "Because of the way you look at me." Duo swallowed, realizing he was betraying himself, he looked away, of course that in itself could be seen as a confession. "I don't mean to come off as arrogant, but I know that look. Many men have looked at me like that," he continued, there was a sadness to his tone of voice. Duo dared to lay his eyes on him again, knowing that not looking was all the more incriminating. "But I understand how hard it is to be gay in an intolerant, straight world. You've made a decision to protect yourself. The book made clear you had plenty reasons. I don't know if people can change who they are, if they believe powerfully enough that it is for the better, but I also don't know that it can't be done. So I would never do something to compromise the measures you have taken. With you, I wouldn't act on that look the way I would-... the way I have with others. So I don't want you to worry about that. I really just want us to be friends." "I'd like that too." With thick voice Duo wondered aloud: "How do you usually act on it?" "With a kiss." A shiver went down Duo's spine, but he liked to think he hid it well. "I'm sorry me looking at you is perceived that way. I don't mean anything by it, that is just the way I look." Liar, he inwardly said to himself. Heero quirked an eyebrow and smiled knowingly, but he didn't say anything. They looked at each other for a while. Duo became increasingly uncomfortable, wondering just how much this 'look' of his was telling Heero, whispering secrets that he had worked hard to keep. Of course now that he had read his book, his secrets were on the table, barely hidden in the fiction. Duo presumed that every second with which his look lingered Heero decoded more and more of the fiction as truth. "It's late, I should probably go home," Heero announced and he started cleaning up. Duo was relieved and eagerly helped him carry the nearly empty pizza boxes and the empty beer bottles to the trash can in the kitchen. On the window sill, Heero noticed the book. He walked up to it and grabbed it and asked kindly: "Can I keep it? I really didn't want to dispose of it." Duo suspected his neighbor wanted to hold on to the book only because of what it revealed about him personally, but WuFei had given Heero the book, so technically, even though he was the author, that particular book was not his, it was Heero's. He told him as much. That smile warmed Heero's face again - and Duo's heart. "Thank you." Duo shrugged as he placed the empty bottles in a crate under the kitchen sink for recycling. "Sure." He was trying very hard to keep his cool. He didn't want Heero to know how fast his heart was beating, with him standing so close to him and smiling at him like that, holding his book to his chest where it must be able to feel Heero's heartbeat through his skin and through the thin shirt he was wearing. Lucky book. Duo shook his head, trying to shake out the unwelcome thoughts. "Thanks for the beer and the pizza." "No problem." That smile! That smile! Stop it, Duo resolutely told himself. "Goodnight." "Uh, yeah, I'll walk you to the door." "That's alright, I'll find my way." Heero waved and then started towards the front door. "Good night..." Duo trailed off. It wasn't until Heero had closed the door behind him that he realized he had been staring at him as he had walked away. And he hadn't been staring at the back of his head... "This is bad," Duo told himself, he gripped the edge of the counter and took a few deep breaths. In the neighboring house lights went on one by one and sometimes Duo could see Heero walk by a window, still holding his book. And his heart rate would pick up again. Duo cursed when he realized what was happening. His defenses had crumbled, he had allowed Heero to get too close. He knew he was at a dangerous precipice, one more wrong move and he could be tumbling into an abyss of feelings and thoughts that were too strong and overwhelming to ignore or to suppress. He knew he had to go to Church tomorrow to find some peace and remind himself why he had been putting himself through this all his life. If only he could talk to the minister about his problem, but that was not an option unfortunately. He cringed at the thought of having to confide in a holy man the kind of thoughts that had been plaguing him all his life. It was only a matter of time until Heero would evoke those same, sinful thoughts. He turned off all the lights and headed upstairs, getting changed and crawling into bed. He was anxious to end this day. Misguided hope had him wishing tomorrow everything would be okay again. However, as he departed a troubled reality, he was engulfed by an even more disturbing dream. "Do you think I am gay?" Duo asked his guest curiously. He was more calm then he had been when he had asked Heero for real. "Do you want me to answer truthfully, or like a friend?" "Aren't they the same?" He retorted confidently, very unlike his real self. Heero let out a low chuckle. "Yeah, you're right." "Well? Do you think I'm gay?" The attractive young man stared at him, a small, sensual smile spread across his lips. "Yes," he breathed. Duo was unfazed. "Because of the book?" "No, because of the way you look at me," Heero purred, uncrossing his legs and leaning forward challengingly. Duo stared at him, at the elegant movements of his body, at his long finger pushing off the armrests as he stood. He noted the tightness of Heero's jeans, accentuating the slimness of his hips and the toned length of his legs. The young man sat down next to him on the couch, very close to him. Close enough for him to feel the cushions dip under his weight; close enough to feel Heero's breath in his ear. "I don't mean to come off as arrogant, but I know that look," Heero continued softly. "Many men have looked at me like that." Heero reached out a hand and brushed a lock of chestnut hair out of Duo's face, the tips of his fingers ghosting over his skin. Duo turned his head to face him. His gaze found Heero's lips and fixated on them. Heero was talking, but the words barely registered, the movements of his mouth were distracting and he wondered how that mouth would feel, moving against his own. He barely had the clarity of mind to decipher some meaning behind what Heero had said and he asked: "How do you usually act on it?" "With a kiss," Heero breathed. "Show me," Duo begged in a low whisper. "I shouldn't. I promised I wouldn't." "Please..." Duo licked his lips, watching Heero bite his in hesitation. "Kiss me?" Heero leaned in, not quite close enough to have their lips meet, but he rested his hand on Duo's thigh, his fingers splayed. "Kiss me..." Heero shut his eyes and closed the distance between them. His hand moved up Duo's thigh, pushing an incredible heat that emanated from his palm, up towards his crotch. His lips were so close... so close... his fingers closer still. "No!" Duo startled awake, kicking away his sheets and flailing his arms around in shock. He sat up straight and was fully awake instantly. Wide-eyed he stared into thin air as he vividly and shamefully remembered his dream. "Oh shit..."
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