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"Grounded"Written By: ExecutiveShrimp Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs
to Bandai, Sotsu and associated parties. Written for pleasure not
profit. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: unbeta'd, sexual, violent content (graphic,
at times). Pairings: 2x1 Summary: A Preventer mission goes horribly wrong. Co-captains Duo and Heero both survive, but as changed men, and they have to rebuild their lives from the ground up.
"Grounded" Part XII – Duo's POV Duo slept away most of his days in a drunken stupor. In his nightmares he was lost in darkness and whispers disoriented him and drew him further into a thick fog that filled his lungs and slowly suffocated him. His life was void of responsibilities, duties and also privileges. He had nothing to do but drink and sleep, thinking to eat only on the rare occasions that he was lucid enough to realize his body needed food more than it did alcohol. Drinking didn't make him feel any better, but that wasn't the point. The alcohol only made him feel worse, it made the thoughts in his head feel heavy and weight him down. The weight of it was so real, he could feel it in an ache in his shoulders. His heart felt heavy too, and every heartbeat was like someone clawing into his chest and squeezing it in an iron fist. He knew exactly whose hand it was. He hadn't talked to Heero since he had answered his call that one night, many months ago. The shrill cry of the phone woke Duo up every night like clockwork, at three thirty, but he never answered again. He held the phone, cradled it in his palms and stared with dead eyes at the name lighting up on the screen. He felt it vibrate in his hands; trembling like a small, frightening animal, wounded and in need of help, crying out for it. He didn't trust himself with it. He broke things. He killed things. He couldn't save anyone. Bringing death was his forte, not bringing life. He never saved Heero to begin with, he just killed him in a more prolonged, violent manner – in a way he knew Heero feared most, taking away what made him strong and what gave him purpose, taking away the one thing that Heero agreed made his life worth living. Duo still remembered that night, when they were both just fifteen years old, and Doctor J ordered Heero to stop fighting. If he couldn't fight, then he was expendable – worthless. Without a moment's hesitation, the young boy had palmed the detonator of his Gundam and chose to self-destruct, rather than live for anything but the mission. It had been naïve of him to think Heero had changed enough to be able to survive beyond being a soldier. It had been even more naïve of Duo to think that he had changed him. In spite of how hard they had both fought to achieve it, their life together meant nothing to the Japanese man. For years Duo had tricked himself into thinking that one day he could be enough for Heero. That Duo could be Heero's happiness, his purpose, his sense of belonging. The reality was very different and it was very wry. It made Duo rethink his own reason for living. He had been a skilled pilot and he had advanced even further as a Preventer agent, and he felt like it was the only way he could repay the world from the wrongs that he done, but it wasn't enough to fulfill him anymore; to make his life worth living. Heero was his purpose and he felt empty and aimless without him, but he had no right to reclaim him. He shuffled to the kitchen and ate two handfuls of stale cereal out of the open box on the counter and washed it down with a gulp of beer. It was pathetic. He was being pathetic. Heero would be ashamed of him if he were to see him like that, which was just another motivator to not let his former partner see him. The Japanese man had come to the house twice and every time Duo pretended not be home, even though he knew Heero would know better. He just bundled himself up in his own arms and waited for him to leave again before he dared to move from his spot. He ignored his other friends too. WuFei didn't want to see him, the Major had made that very clear when Duo last saw him; the day he handed in his resignation. Quatre and Trowa needed some distance too after first hearing the full truth, but lately the pair had been trying to reach out. Whenever the phone rang during the day, Duo knew it was Quatre. He didn't answer his calls eithers. He knew Quatre was ready to forgive him – that was the kind of person Quatre was – but Duo didn't deserve anyone's forgiveness. He wasn't done punishing himself yet and he might never be. The softness of the couch lured him back. His body was weak and his legs were unsteady. He gratefully dropped back down into the leather seat and melted into it. The TV was a black screen in front of him; a black void he stared into. Outside the UV lights of the colony came on, mimicking a sunrise and Duo turned his head away as soon as he was able to discern his own image in the reflection of the screen. He looked as wrecked as he felt. He hadn't bothered to take a shower in several days and he'd been wearing the same shirt all week. His hair was stringy, greasy and matted. His clothes wrinkled and dirty from spilling on it. The unkempt stubble on his chin and jaw added ten years to him. The dark circles under his eyes added twenty. He grimaced and scrubbed his face with his hands, scratching through the prickly hairs. He released a bitter chuckle into his palm. "It's not like you had your legs cut off, Maxwell," he groused to himself. But it did feel that way, it did feel like his legs had been cut out from under him. He had lost his footing and he was still falling. He had yet to find out where he would land. In the meantime, time rushed by him without giving him a moment to breathe, to adjust, to make sense of the changes around him. One moment he was lying in his bed with his lover wrapped up in his arms, the next moment he was there, on the couch, reeking of alcohol and his own sweat, sinking away into the leather of the couch. It had been so easy to let it happen too, like being carried away on a current stronger than him. He was lightheaded, more from not eating sufficiently than from the alcohol consumption. If his headache was any reliable indicator, he actually hadn't had that much to drink in the past twenty-four hours and the effects of withdrawal were starting to kick in. He couldn't move, not to eat and not even to drink, so he slept instead, even though he never woke up any more energized. The doorbell – and then someone slamming their fist against the door – startled him awake. He flinched at the loud, persistent banging on his door and the irritating, impatient way this person kept ringing the doorbell. The delicate chime used to give him a homely feel, but this house was just a house nowadays, not a home, and the sound made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end because he had come to hate it. Duo blinked his eyes open to study his surroundings and confirm he was still on the couch in the living room, sagging in the seat, nearly slipping off the smooth leather. Outside, the light was orange, so it must be getting late, alerting him that he had slept through the day. He was fine with that and he was annoyed that someone had interrupted his sleep. He had every intention of ignoring whoever it was, but this person was not giving up. He wondered, with a clench of his heart, if it was Heero. It certainly wasn't Quatre or Trowa, he could tell that much. "Open up, Maxwell! I know you're in there!" The person bellowed. Duo frowned at the voice and it took him a moment to identify it. It was Luca Swafford – Swagger. He hadn't seen any of his former teammates since resigning from the agency and he didn't want to, but it was obvious Swafford wasn't going to let him ignore him. With a grunt he pushed himself up from the couch and waited for the blackness to fade from his vision and he could see again. He shuffled towards the door and as soon as he had unlocked it and turned the knob, Swafford forced it open and stormed into the house. "Yeah, sure, come in," he said dryly and he weakly closed the door. "Make yourself at home." He turned to face his visitor and the man's red, angry face concerned him. Then Swafford wrinkled his nose in disgust. "You stink. This place reeks." He looked around himself, his gaze flitting from one empty bottle to the next. "Unless you've come here to clean up, that's really none of your business." He leaned back against the front door, needing it for support. "What are you doing here?" Swafford redirected his attention to him. His glare was intimidating and would have even made Heero proud. "You can punish yourself as much as you want, but I am here to let you know that it will never be enough," he hissed and he took a step closer to jab a finger at Duo's chest. "I'm not going to let you get away with it." He pushed the prodding hand away. "What the fuck are you talking about?" "I know what they did," he declared, "Now all three of them are dead, and I'm supposed to believe that's a coincidence?" Duo slid away from the wall and walked across the living room to create some much needed distance between the two of them. The way Swafford was seething at him it was clear he was having trouble to contain his rage. "What exactly are you accusing me of?" He countered with a frown. "You killed them!" He burst and took a step towards him. His entire body was vibrating with anger and his fists were clenched at his sides. Duo recoiled in shock at the accusation. The hurt of having someone he used to trust think him capable of something like that cut through the thick fog of apathy that occupied his mind. The hurt was soon replaced by his own anger and it was his turn to point a finger. "Fuck you, Swafford." "You got rid of them to keep your secret!" "… I didn't…" He breathed, all energy draining from his body. "Then what the fuck do you want me to believe happened?" He challenged. "Everything just went to shit." Swafford snorted. "Don't try to sell me that. We had everything prepared. It should have gone perfectly. You did something!" "Yeah. Yeah, I did something," he agreed. "I let three rookie agents blackmail me into coming on that Goddamn mission with us!" He admitted. It was a truth Swafford had already figured out on his own, making him one of only five people to know of the grave mistake Duo had made; the other three being WuFei, Quatre and Trowa. But even though he already knew, the confession triggered the agent regardless. Duo never even saw the first punch coming. Swafford's fist cracked along his jaw and snapped his head back. The second punch he watched happen in slow-motion, but he did nothing to block it and protect himself. The knuckles of Swafford right fist landed on his cheekbone and shortly after his left fist impacted with Duo's abdomen. With a grunt he fell backwards, hitting his head against the wall behind him before slumping down to the floor. He opened his eyes and stared at the boot that came for his chest and kicked the wind out of him. "Don't put this on them," the agent said through gritted teeth as he continued to kick the man while he was down. "It wasn't their fault everything went wrong." He sounded like he needed to believe that, but was having trouble convincing himself. "You let them come along so you could get rid of them." Duo squeezed his eyes shut and let Swafford vent his anger on him. He was becoming numb to the pain anyway. Nothing the man could do to him could hurt worse than what he had been doing to himself. But then Swafford said something he shouldn't have: "If Yuy was in on it, he got what he deserved." Duo went blind again – blind with rage. In one fluid motion he got up from the floor, coiled his arm back and slung his fist at Swafford's face. His knuckles his him on his right temple and instantly the man's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell backwards. His limp body hit the floor with a loud thud. The long-haired man reached behind himself to steady himself against the wall. His cheeks puffed out as he released a deep breath and he stared down at the unconscious agent on the floor. "… Shit…" he grumbled and as soon as he was confident he wasn't going to pass out himself, he stepped over Swafford's outstretched limbs and trotted over to the kitchen. He checked the freezer, but he didn't have any ice, so he grabbed a frozen microwave meal instead and wrapped it up in the last of the clean dishtowels as he walked back over to Swafford. He crouched down on the floor and held the make-shift ice-pack against the man's temple. "Come on, you pussy," he urged, "wake up." He softly slapped his cheek until his eyelids began to flutter. When he came to, Swafford shot upright only to regret it instantly. He groaned in pain and clutched his head. "What did you hit me with?" "My fist." He cocked his head to look at Duo over his shoulder, squinting his eyes in both pain and disbelief. "Jesus Christ." He accepted the dishtowel with the frozen dinner that Duo held out to him and pressed it against the side of his face. Duo studied him for a minute to make sure he was alright. The man appeared alert and in control of his movements. He was fine. Duo scrambled up to his feet and stoically walked over to the front door that he held open for him. "Get out," he ordered. "Report your suspicions to Major Chang if you're so sure. But don't ever drag Heero into this again. He's suffered enough." Swafford carefully got up from the floor and limped towards him. Standing at the threshold, he held the frozen dinner out to him. "Keep it. Enjoy. Four minutes on high." He slammed the door shut behind Swafford. He dragged himself back to the kitchen for another serving of stale cereal and before long he was back on the couch where he preferred to be, alone with his misery. He closed his eyes and hoped to slip into a state of semi-consciousness, where nothing existed, not even his thoughts. But Swafford's visit had provoked memories they chased him down and wouldn't let him be. He had been in the equipment room, checking items off a list to ensure their two backpacks were loaded with everything they needed, when Viver and Grace joined him in the rightly aisle between stacked metal shelving. He had heard them close the door behind them before they approached him. He didn't acknowledge him until he had checked off the last item on the list and he zipped up the backpack at his feet. "Something I can help you with?" He asked with a purse of his lips. It was T minus sixteen hours and he was sure there were other places the two of them needed to be in preparation of the mission. Just because they weren't coming out into the field with him and Heero, didn't mean they were any less important cogs in the machine. "We have something we need to discuss with you," Haywire declared. "Take it up with Yuy," he said dismissively. The team members always complained to him about anything and everything because their other team captain was too intimidating for them. But, honestly, if what they had to say wasn't important enough to brave a confrontation with Heero, than it wasn't important enough to be said so close to a vital mission. He had succeeded in brushing them off in the past by employing this technique, but that time neither Haywire nor Viv left. He rolled his eyes and looked at them expectantly. "Spit it out." "We want to come out into the field with you," Viv said. She could always be counted on to get right to the point. She added as an afterthought: "Beck too." Duo snorted. He picked up the two heavy backpacks, loaded with explosives and tools, and carried them to a table against the far wall. "No," he said simply and they shouldn't have expected a different response. He heard their footsteps trailing him and he spun around to face them. "I get it, okay? You're eager to get out there. And if it were solely up to me, you would have been out in the field with us a while ago. But it's not just my decision and I'm not going to argue with Heero's call on this one. This is not the kind of mission to be anyone's first." "You are going to talk Yuy into letting us come with you," Viv asserted. Haywire nodded along. Duo let out a chuckle and quirked his eyebrow at their unexplained confidence. "Is that so?" "Yes." "And why the Heck would I do that?" "Because we are going to convince you that it will be best for you and Yuy." He leaned back against the edge of the table and folded his arms in front of his chest. This ought to be good, he thought to himself, amused by the odd situation. "Alright. Give it your best shot. Convince me. Blow my mind," he jested. Both Viver and Grace smirked and it unnerved Duo. "We know the truth about you and Yuy." A chill went down Duo's spine. They found out we were Gundam pilots? He asked himself. "If you don't want Major Chang to know the truth, you will let us come along on this mission," Viver threatened. A smirk tugged at Duo's lips, imaging how that conversation would go down in Chang's office and the look on the Chinese agent's face, having to pretend to be shocked by the revelation that his two best agents were former Gundam pilots. "Really? You are going to try to blackmail us? Let's go upstairs right now and have that chat with Major Chang. I'll wait outside." The two of them shared a look, but they weren't deterred by his unexpected reaction. "You don't want us to do that. As soon as Major Chang finds out about you two lovebirds, he will ground you and have you separated." Duo's smirk faltered. Lovebirds? His heart started to race as it dawned on him that the two of them hadn't uncovered their past identity, but had uncovered their current relationship instead. Their relationship which violated the most strict of the Preventer protocols – Protocols that WuFei was devoted to. They were right, if they told the Major about Duo and Heero being together, WuFei would dismiss one of them. The man's loyalty to them as a former ally would not stand in the way of the Major honoring the rules of the Preventer agency. In a flash Duo remembered the conversation he had had with Heero after they found out someone on another team had been grounded because of a relationship that defied regulations. Heero had offhandedly announced that if that were to happen to them, he would file for reassignment to a different faction of the Agency: on a different colony, or on Earth. What would happen to them if they could no longer work together? Viver and Grace grinned as they saw the effect their threat had on him now. He was so caught off guard that the shock was apparent on his face – with his pale complexion and wide eyes – so he couldn't even try to deny it. "How did you even find out?" They had always been so careful at the office. "Beck found out that you two are living together at your house. Heero's apartment is just to keep up pretenses. Also, he hacked into the surveillance system and caught you sneaking into Heero's room last night." "Beck had no fucking right to stick his nose where it didn't belong," he hissed. He didn't believe the nervous, kindhearted agent would think to do something like that on his own accord; Grace and Viver probably bullied him into using his hacking skills for digging up dirt on the two co-captains. "Oh, you mean he had no right to break the rules?" Viver shot back. "What about you and Yuy? What gives you the right to break the rules, shacking up together?" "That's different!" "Because you love him, right?" Viver pestered him melodramatically. "If you love him, you'll let the three of us come along and nothing has to change between the two of you." "This should be a no-brainer," Grave chimed in, spurred on by his teammate's defiant attitude. "You know we are good agents. You know it has been unfair of Yuy to have kept us chained to a desk this long. We're better than this." "You have yet to prove that," he seethed. "At this point, I'm not all that impressed with the two of you anymore." He had trusted their skills, but he couldn't trust their character anymore. He felt their insubordination and arrogance would be more likely to jeopardize the mission than lacking capabilities and that made him most hesitant to give into their threat, in spite of the consequences that would have for his relationship with Heero. "If you don't convince Yuy to let us come along, we are going to talk to Major Chang today and our entire team will get pulled off the assignment. The mission will have to be postponed until a new team can get prepped and who knows what could happen with those nuclear missiles in the meantime. Could you be at peace with that?" Viver challenged. "Could you?" Duo bit back. "It's not my decision," she said with a shrug. He clenched his fists at his sides. It had been a long time since he last felt powerless and the betrayal aspect of it angered him all the more. "I suppose we'll know soon enough what you've decided." With that said, the two of them spun around and walked away with an entitled bounce in their step. Duo fell back against the table and clutched the edge. He didn't only have the future of his relationship to worry about, but the safety of the people on the colonies and on earth as well. It would take several days for a new team to get ready to replace them and Duo knew damn well that no team would ever be good enough to actually replace him and Heero. This mission was too important. It needed to be done now and it needed to be done perfectly; the way only he and Heero could. WuFei would not be subject to this kind of reasoning. WuFei viewed the world in black and white and everything had to go by the rules, in spite of the history they shared together. The Chinese agent would rather risk an attack by delaying the mission in search of a new team than make the conscious decision to break the protocols that he valued above anything else. Cornered and not seeing any way out of the situation without playing into Grace and Viver's hand, he decided that there was only one thing he could do. He sat alone in the equipment room for an hour before he went to look for his co-captain and he lied to him, not sure if he did that as a kindness towards Heero, or to selfishly protect his own ego. Either way, he felt sick to his stomach. Duo's eyes flew open and he stared at the living room ceiling. He still felt sick to his stomach.
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