|
"Space"Written By: Miss Murdered Disclaimer: I don't own the GW characters - am
just borrowing to torment for my amusement Rating: NC 17 Warnings: Christmas Eve, Mild Angst, some language,
my cliched 1x2ness Pairings: 2x1 Summary: There was always space for Heero in Duo's
life. Even on Christmas Eve... "Space"
With you, I am fine I get lost so I'll follow the light to your heart Will you wait, will you wait for me? There's always a space in my heart - Space - Biffy Clyro
It was Christmas Eve and Duo knew he was running late as he put on his heavy work boots, balancing awkwardly against the kitchen counter as he attempted to tie the laces of his left shoe. It was as he was half way through his task that someone knocked at Duo’s apartment door, halting his uncoordinated attempt to ensure he left his place with suitable footwear and he gave up, walking to the door with only one boot on. He paused as he arrived, considering who would be visiting at this damn time on Christmas Eve. For a second he thought about retrieving the gun he kept on his nightstand or the flick knife he stopped himself from putting in his pocket when he got dressed. Christmas always made Duo jumpy - there was always something that happened at Christmas - some resurrection of violence and there had been so many asssassination attempts on both Relena and Quatre it had become old news. A warped Christmas tradition, quickly thwarted and those responsible faces on every news network. Yet Duo, at least since he quit Preventer, had lived a thoroughly boring life and doubted anyone wanted to kill him. Or he supposed people still wanted to kill him but his death would no longer cause the same news headlines as it would’ve ten years ago. A 30-something retired Preventer agent ex-Gundam pilot who worked as a handyman and volunteered in a kids home was hardly worthy of even a mention. Not when Quatre was always donating a ridiculous amount of Winner Corp money to some charity on Christmas Eve. Resisting the urge to get his gun, Duo paused at the door and looked through the small spy hole to see who was on the other side. It could’ve been Mrs Collins who lived three apartments down the hall who liked to bring him cookies. Duo always helped her when he could - fixing things in her apartment and bringing her grocery shopping up when the elevator broke which it seemed to do on a regular basis but it wasn’t Mrs Collins. It was someone that made Duo’s heart skip a beat - someone he had not seen for a long time and who Duo missed in a small aching way, like a wound that never quite healed right. Like the gunshot wound he’d had hastily remedied in the field, the scar ragged and the skin puckered. “Heero?” He opened the door then, slowly, thinking then that the image from the other side of the door was some kind of mirage. Yet it wasn’t. It was definitely Heero Yuy. A bearded Heero Yuy yet Heero Yuy nonetheless. Duo openly stared, taking in Heero’s appeared from his scuffed trainers to his scruffy hair that still fell over his forehead in an effortlessly stylish way. The beard was a surprise but it oddly suited him and his mind automatically wondered what it would be like to kiss Heero now… would it feel different? “Hey,” Heero said, finally, his voice soft and deep prompting Duo back from his wandering mind. “Sorry… if this is a bad time.” Heero’s eyebrow raised interceptibly at Duo’s one boot on one boot off situation and Duo chuckled. “Not a bad time, just running late for a very important concert and I really wasn’t expecting a visitor.” “I should’ve called.” Duo shrugged. “Yeah but that would’ve removed this awkward conversation at my door and you know how awkward conversations are our jam.” “Awkward on my part,” Heero replied with a smirk. “True.” “I can go,” Heero said, stepping back slightly and Duo reached out, his hand gripping onto Heero’s arm. “No… you stay. I just have to go to this Christmas concert. Get yourself comfortable - there’s food in the fridge and the bedrooms through there…” They stepped in and Heero took a few moments taking in his new surroundings. Heero had never been in this particular apartment and Duo would’ve perhaps cleaned up a little more if he knew he had been expecting guests but he had not expected Heero. Plus he wasn’t that messy - just not up to the standard of Heero. Or what Heero used to be like. It had been a while since they had lived together, since they had attempted domestication and realised it just didn’t quite work. Duo didn’t need to ask how Heero had found him. It wasn’t hard. Duo didn’t hide like he used to and he had always left breadcrumbs for Heero to find him even when they had to be safe, when they had to be cautious. “It’s nice.” “It’s home,” Duo said with a smile, “finally.” Heero put down the duffle bag he had been carrying on the couch as Duo finally succeeded in putting on adequate footwear. “I’m sorry I gotta go… we can catch up afterwards.” “Or I can come with you, if I don’t need a ticket.” Duo’s eyes widened momentarily, then shook his head and chuckled. “This certainly isn’t the sort of thing you need a ticket for…you’ll regret that offer.” “You could make it up to me later,” Heero replied with a hint of tease. “You sure I’d still be interested?” Heero shrugged, a slight smile on his face. “Maybe. For old time’s sake.” Duo laughed. “Maybe I am… for old time’s sake.” With that, Duo grabbed his denim jacket, lined with faux fur to combat the Earthside cold, and with a cock of his head he indicated to Heero. “Come on, we need to go. This is not the sort of thing we can be late for…” It wasn’t a long walk yet the night was cold. It had not snowed, disappointingly for Duo as he had thought the one bonus of moving to Earth was that he could guarantee snow at Christmas. Instead it was clear of cloud, bitterly cold and in the sky the colonies were visible alongside the stars and a sliver of moon. Duo watched Heero from the corner of his eyes as they walked - the beard was new but it suited him and he was wearing casual weather appropriate clothing. He looked “normal”. Good. And he shook his head interceptibly, a smile on his face, as it seemed they would always fall back together whether for “old time’s sake” or because relationships were hard and there was a sense in Duo’s bones that they were a pair. Ill-fitted and mis-matched but a pair nonetheless. They arrived at St Mary’s Church where the Christmas concert was to take place and Duo stopped at it’s wrought iron gates so that Heero could take it in and decide whether he wanted to bail. Duo had never forced Heero into normal life or expected him to just change his very being to do things that should be easy. Duo knew things weren’t easy. It had taken him years to sit in a church without the smell of burning flesh in his nose, without seeing flashbacks of broken bodies obscured by part of a fallen building and smoke. Duo had made his peace. Or maybe not that he had made peace but that he had reconciled the events that had taken place and come to the conclusion that they had created who he was. That he could live with them like the cross around the neck and the braid, though shorter, that still trailed down his neck and the tattoos that he had got to remember everything. But that didn’t mean Duo sometimes didn’t walk away, didn’t feel a stirring of anger or pain in his gut, that sometimes he still felt like he should’ve died in a cockpit alone in the middle of space. Heero had his own pain, his own moments, his own scars on both his skin and his psyche and Duo knew when not to prod and poke. When something considered “normal” would provoke an unexpected reaction, a kneejerk response from a world-weary ex-soldier. The church was lit up, the doors open despite the cold and there were posters advertising the concert as well as banners detailing all the community activities and services that took place inside. The sound of a piano playing Christmas carols echoed through the air and Duo coughed to get Heero’s attention. “Still want to come inside? I swear I’ll protect you from talking to adults but the kids will be totally asking you a million questions.. “ Heero smiled, a slight tightness in his expression as though he was suring himself up for a mission. “It’s fine. Where else would I be on Christmas Eve?” “Fighting an insurrection? Vegas with blow and girls? Babysitting one of your many godchildren while the parents get drunk on egg-nog?” “No,” Heero said, “I’m always with you.” Duo started at the words, at the way Heero said them with such brevity and calm, at the fact he’d never really considered that they’d spent every damn Christmas Eve together since the war. It had been what seemed like forever since they’d been together but then Duo remembered… It was Christmas Eve last year and it had been at Quatre’s and they had spent the evening in companionable silence, glasses in hand yet never refilled as they watched the chaos of children and families and life. Duo was about to say something about he’d never really thought about it like that when he felt a tug on his sleeve. “Duo!” He looked down to see the tug-ee, a small boy by the name of Casey who was utterly adorable but Duo knew was going to cause pain to his eardrums beyond anything he had experienced in the battlefield as he held a violin case in his other hand. “Hey dude! Looking forward to your performance… I even brought a friend along. Heero - meet Casey…” Duo didn’t get another chance to talk to Heero then as the evening festivities began and it all got away from him. Soon they were in the church, seats near the front as poems and songs were performed by the kids with varying degrees of talent. Duo knew the kids well and he wasn’t being critical when he said some of their talents lay in other areas. Some kids could draw and some could play football and some could sing. Though Casey was better than he’d heard as he volunteered in the home - it had been very distracting changing a lightbulb last time he’d been there with the noise coming from the music room… The concert had a break in the middle and Duo went to procure the egg-nog and cookies, donating more than the recommended $2 and emptying his wallet without blinking. He brought it back to Heero who was glancing through the two sided printed programme that Becca, the admin girl from the home had created. “It’s not alcohol,” Duo said, reassuringly and handed one to Heero. “Though I’m not sure whether it will taste good…” Heero took an experimental sip as Duo sat down beside him - it did not exactly taste great but then Duo had had worse so he sipped it, the strongest flavour being nutmeg. He knew Heero wouldn’t ever drink - something about his senses being dulled or the sensation making him feel as though he was losing control - the long shadow of the ZeroSystem casting over Heero even after all these years. “How’re you enjoying the show?” Duo asked cautiously in between sips and bites of chocolate chip cookie - soft and gooey. “It’s… good,” Heero said, a small smile on his face, “it feels… normal. A real Christmas thing from a movie.” “About as real as it gets - kids and a church on Christmas Eve. The old bearded guy might even make an appearance.” Heero raised an eyebrow. “I know - I ain’t gonna ruin the illusion and tell you how that works considering it’s such a busy night for the big guy. You’ll just have to enjoy the magic of the evening.” A soft laugh was all the response that Duo got but it was enough. Heero wasn’t running away screaming - he was clearly uncomfortable, sat straight and eyes darting but he was still here and Duo had to admire that. Especially as there was another hour to go and Duo felt himself get antsy. It wasn’t just the length of the performance, there was a sense of staying somewhere public, somewhere out in the open that would never quite leave him. Heero’s paranoia was more obvious yet Duo’s lingered below the surface. He had left the knife at home - that was his progress. Not bringing a weapon to a Church on Christmas Eve. It wasn’t exactly going to make him a beacon of good mental health but it was progress nonetheless. As Duo predicted, the night ended with Santa Claus, giving gifts to the children and it was then it seemed to be too much for Heero, him ducking out with only the briefest of eye contact and nods. Duo didn’t say anything. Just let him go. He couldn’t follow right away, didn’t think he should even if he didn’t have the obligation of the kids and their eager faces. Heero needed time. Heero needed space. And Duo would give him that. When Duo finally disentangled himself, there was a brief panic as he couldn’t see Heero anywhere. “Duo.” He turned then to see Heero, illuminated underneath a lamppost, leaning against him, red takeaway coffee cup in hand. “I thought you’d bailed.” Heero shrugged. “Considered going back to your place. Realised I’d have to break in.” “That hasn’t stopped you in the past,” Duo said with a grin, stepping under the light, the ground around them cast in harsh artificial light. “I feel like I shouldn’t repeat old bad habits.” “Except me, huh?” “Except you.” They kissed then, the briefest of kisses due to the proximity of the church and the sounds all too close by. And it felt different, the soft scratchiness of Heero’s beard, the taste of eggnog, cookies and coffee, the cold of a clear night. “I wouldn’t have been offended about you breaking in, you know? You just might’ve had an 80 year old woman on your case for being suspicious.” “A hidden roommate?” Duo smacked lightly at Heero’s arm. “No, my neighbour. It’s all jokes tonight, huh, Yuy?” “It’s a healthier coping mechanism, I hear.” “Hey, it’s my coping mechanism, Yuy. Find your own.” They walked back then, barely any distance between them, their hands brushing but not holding. There were people, families returning home and the night was illuminated by twinkling Christmas lights and the headlights from passing cars. “I’m trying,” Heero said finally. “Huh?” “To find my coping mechanism.” “You know… I’m sorry. Tonight was probably too much for you.” Heero grunted - a frustrated noise in the back of his throat that spoke volumes without saying anything at all. “I don’t want things to be too much. I try every year and it gets easier but never… enough.” “I know.” He did know. Duo had been trying just as long as Heero. To find something, somewhere, that he could relax and find peace. He had lived in a variety place trying to find some form of belonging. L2 was where he was from and Duo had tried to return to it as some form of misaligned duty to the place of his birth but it wasn’t home. It was the memory of pain and people coughing up blood from broken lungs. And he wanted to help - be a part of the rebuilding of the place and making it better but Duo couldn’t. He had tried. But he wasn’t strong enough and he tried other places. Sweeper ships. Sanc. A variety of European cities that passed with a haze of cheap wine and cheap apartments in rowdy neighbourhoods where the noise was an attempt on Duo’s part to dull the noise in his own head. America had been an ancestral home, yet that in itself was a vague notion and cities passed by in the same blur of chain restaurants and coffee shops. Until here. Duo wasn’t sure if it was home but he had found good people. A place. A space that he was starting to call his own. It was here he was letting his defences down, taking deep breaths as he left his place unarmed, telling himself he could still kick most people’s asses if needed. “I figure one day it will just be easy. Normal. And until then we just keep going.” They had arrived at the apartment complex and Duo unlocked the door, the warmth of the lobby and hallway greeting them. As they walked towards his apartment, Duo could hear the parties, smell the food cooking and he felt the pang in his stomach - that he never had this and never would. But they had each other. And that was something. Unlocking the door, Duo saw how empty his place was - how he had decorated Christmas trees at the kids home and put lights up but not here. There was something missing. “Stay,” Duo said. Heero looked puzzled, closing the door behind them, kicking off canvas shoes. “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. It’s Christmas Eve. There’s no shuttle flights.” “No, I mean… I have plenty of space. I can’t guarantee that it’ll work but maybe we’re older and wiser and I guess I kinda always feel like something’s missing every time I try to find somewhere to stay and I’m just thinking that maybe we’re still fucked up but we can still be fucked up together and something always brings us back together like this force like goddamn gravity -” Duo had more to say. He was sure it was on the tip of his tongue. Something about how he was always waiting, somehow, somewhere deep down for Heero to come back into his life. And maybe now he didn’t appear holding a gun but there was still something that dragged them back together on Christmas Eve. Not sentimentality. There was something inevitable about them. Or maybe it wasn’t inevitable - they were lost without one another. Yet he didn’t say those things. He closed his eyes, the press of Heero’s lips on his, the hands on his hips and he reached up, instinct, a hand lodged in Heero’s hair, and he gripped tight. There was the sweep of tongue, the familiar feel of hips fitting together, the dance repeating like it had repeated so many times. There was a cadence, a familiar rhythm, an old story retold. Duo pulled back, let his breath ghost across Heero’s lips and his fingers splayed across Heero’s back, the soft t-shirt underneath the jacket against his fingertips. “I was waiting for you to ask. I didn’t want to invade your space.” “There’s always space for you, ‘Ro.” There was the soft fall of clothes, the awkward removal of Duo’s boots, and the sound of the neighbouring parties travelled through thin walls, Christmas songs about rocking around Christmas trees. It was familiar but new and there was nowhere else Duo would want to be on a cold Christmas Eve. And no one else he would want to be with. There was only one person he waited for, one person he was dragged back towards, one person that was inevitable and that was Heero. ~ * ~ --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes: I plan on this being my last fic I post here. Due to RL, I don't have the time/energy to devote to fandom anymore and rather than putting pressure on myself to write/post, I think it is better to write occasionally for myself without posting. I will leave my AO3/Ff.net accounts as they are and just leave them dormant. Maybe one day I might come back! Thank you for those who have read my fics over the years & thanks for all the comments/likes and kudos! It has been very much appreciated.
|
