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"Far too Young to Die"Written By: Miss Murdered Disclaimer: I don't own the GW characters - am just borrowing to torment for my amusement Rating: NC 17 Warnings: implied m/m sexual relations, death
fic that isn't a death fic (bear with me peeps) mission related violence
and gore, angst, language, eventual sap Pairings: 1x2x1 Summary: Four times Duo saw Heero die. Four times he bled in his arms. And four times Duo tried to stop it. But after living the day of his nightmares, over and over again, can Duo find a way to stop it and save Heero Yuy? A/N: Please suspend belief for this scenario…
I am not going to explain "why" Duo is repeating his day
– let's just say karma's kicking his ass for all that mass murdering,
okay?! Inspired by the song Far too Young to Die by Panic! At the
Disco.
"Far too Young to Die "
Chapter Two Fixation or Psychosis The thing was Heero wasn't dead. I knew he was dead. Felt life leave his body, held him in my arms and felt him damn slip away but he wasn't, fuck it. I woke up that first day, the military alarm waking me up and my reflexes kicking in - reaching for a weapon and taking a few deep confused breaths as I was in a military grade bed in my boxers like I'd fallen asleep the night after the last time we screwed. And it was wrong as the events that had proceeded me waking up in my bed in a metal box meant I should be in the damn medical bay, strapped down and my wrists were not chafed or bleeding from the wounds I'd made on myself and instead it was like I'd gone back in damn time to the previous morning and that fucked with my head. I acted like any rational person, finding clothes as quickly as I could, throwing them over my body and running, running like an idiot to Heero's room expecting to find nothing - expecting to see an empty bunk or whatever but instead, I had an arm around my throat and a gun at my temple quicker than I anticipated. I mean, shit, sometimes he is just fast and there I was, overpowered by him in an instant, and I yielded as he figured out it was me and released me. Maybe the fact I didn't fight back clued him in or my smell or something but a second later, I was rubbing at my throat looking as surprised at him as he was at me. I surprised him further by launching myself at him, kissing him with all the intensity of "you're not dead" and finding myself unable to stop touching any part of him that I could reach, if he was little unsure of my sudden neediness, he didn't let me know, as I only backed up when I realised we were getting too hot and heavy for the situation. As we separated, his eyes scanned me, clearly confused and I shrugged. "Bad dream..." I said in explanation and he didn't press. Maybe I should say something more - that he was dead and the mission turned into a shit storm but hell, maybe that said I was going crazy and really, I figured Heero was a dead stickler for the rules that he may end up reporting to the medical department for me having sun stroke or some sorta shit. And so I let a hand drift down his arm, sliding it over his skin, his muscles, gazing up into his eyes. "Be careful out there today... I got a bad feeling, ya know?" He looked amused and just nodded, leaning in for one more brush of lips and said a soft "okay". It seemed stupid now, in the cold light of day, in his room, the evidence of last night in discarded condom wrappers on the bed and in the trash, and I almost felt like laughing at myself. Some vivid dream or what...? But it didn't stop the damn feeling as I went through motions of the day, seeing Heero again in the line for food, meeting him for another quick kiss and then I was in the back of the transport, my head against the metal side as I looked up to the tarp above. It was then, as I sat with my rifle on my knee that I tried to not feel like I was walking into a shit storm. Which I was. I fucking knew I was but how did I tell people I thought I'd done this day before, I thought the entire op turned into one royal fuck up without sounding like the crazy ass person that I seriously did not need to be thought of as. As shit, I'm a former Gundam pilot, I'm a dude with a long ass braid and shit, I'm too damn young according to most of the damn people in Prev so shit, no one was gonna believe me. I swallowed, looked around the truck and thought... yeah, some of these people are gonna die and I could stop this. I'd never had this opportunity in my life, you know? Death had happened, usually due to my actions being bad or fucked up or something and I'd been helpless and now I fucking wasn't and I was scared because people may think I'm a little gone in the head. But damn, those people probably already thought I was some kinda fucked up war vet so damn, might as well prove it and all. There was shit I could say but then the truck stopped moving, me jerking forward as I'd not been damn concentrating and I heard a few of the dudes snort, and say "kid", making me feel so fucking angry but then what did it matter? Saving lives was more important than the shit of being thought of a freak, right? But it was already happening and I did not have time. I saw Ethan, the guy I'd seen sprayed with bullets, and I reached for him, seeing him look at me like he wanted to spit on my fucking face. "The fuck, Maxwell?" I looked at his brown eyes, the scowl on his face and suddenly that serious expression made me think of 'Fei but I blocked out the comparison. "Just be careful, got a bad feeling." He laughed, fucking laughed and shouted, "hey, the kid needs to go back to base! He's fucking scared." I glared as the rest of my team laughed and I was tempted to do something stupid, more stupid than my usual actions as I felt the trigger of my gun with my index finger, until they stopped, a command obviously given in the midst of them laughing their guts up about me. I scowled, bringing out my weapon, securing my goggles and the bandana around my mouth, trying not to be too flaming pissed. Thing was, I thought I was helping but shit, if people didn't want to believe me then what was the goddamn point? So instead of thinking of the worst, of the decimated market square, of Ethan's body jerking as bullets impacted, and Heero dying in my arms, I went into mission mode, walking over the sand with careful footsteps, my boots making marks in the ground underneath as I went in formation with my team. Maybe the team were jerks and it did make me miss the war - when it was me and the other's and 'Ro and that was it - no one else to depend on but us but I still had trust them with my life. And it would still suck to see them obliterated in front of my damn eyes. But I had no chance as we were searching the buildings, those houses that were dark, that the flies buzzed around and the smell of rotten food and worse. Of course, I saw him again. Fuck, the smell seemed more putrid, more profound and I was gagging behind my bandana, glad that I had the material over it to hide my damn feelings. The body, the brown blood staining the dusty floor made me feel like this was far too fucking much for me - too much like déjà vu and shit, I did not like it as I remembered how this went down. How this ended up with a little boy blowing himself up and Heero dead in my arms, me brushing my lips over his, him looking so damn fragile and small like he never fucking seemed to me. We were moving, me stepping over the bloated corpse, riddled with far too many bullet holes and I was following, following as if in a damn dream, following my own footsteps, feeling my heart in my chest, my racing pulse, my shallow breath. And he, the first corpse was a mindfuck, him on the floor, remembering seeing it far too damn clearly the first time. And I knew, with that awful feeling in my stomach, that I was walking towards the inevitable and being unable to do much to stop it. I remembered the girl. Hell, I always was gonna remember the girl as she was young and frail and I hadn't been able to decide if she'd been left to die or been killed so when I found her again, this time, this time I didn't just raise my weapon and walk away. Fuck, it always had to be kids, you know? We all got our weaknesses, I guess and sure as shit, seeing some little girl swathed in blankets, thin and dead was not gonna go unnoticed by yours truly. So this time, instead of keeping to orders, I bent down, moved them a little trying to see if she'd been shot, hurt, something or whether she'd just crawled into her bed and died. If she'd been alone. If she'd spent her time wondering whether her parents were coming back or whether she saw them die. I reached towards her, brushed aside some dark hair and swallowed back a choke as the smell of death clung to her and I knew... just had to move on Duo, but damn, it always came back to this - the young and unprotected ending up dead. It ain't the war anymore. She shouldn't be dead. My time, my fucking delay meant that I now heard the information I expected and scowled. The trap. The market place. Heero's team. I banished the damn thoughts, standing and making my way outta the building and shit, I saw it again. Again Ethan died. The spray of bullets making him do a little jig type thing as he fell to the floor and I gritted my teeth. See hadn't damn well listened and I had tried goddamnit. Told him that shit was going down. Told him that he should've been more careful as I stayed in the shadows of the doorway, thinking, fuck if Ethan didn't listen to me, sure as fuck Heero wouldn't. He wouldn't be taking extra care. He wouldn't as he was Superman, right? And shit, I hadda get there, we had to go a different way. We had to avoid that fucking kid. And I made my move, sticking to the buildings edges, aiming my weapon at the men on the roof, passing by fallen comrades and enemy combatants, looking a few times at their faces as I passed. It was strange to see people who had laughed at me, who hadn't damn believed me dead on the ground but I didn't feel any hated as all I felt was a sense of hopelessness I always had. That no matter what, I ain't gonna stop something terrible from happening. Or maybe I could. Maybe I could get to Heero. Maybe we'd not see that kid with that wire trailing down his shorts and we'd not seen him blown into red mist and 'Ro wouldn't end up dying in my arms. Fuck. Too many maybes but I was gonna get to him, gonna find him, go to the rendezvous, go back to base, screw around and not give a shit if Deckard found out as he would be alive, he would be with me and it would be all good. I just had to make that fantasy come true. So I followed my own footsteps again. Okay, maybe not quite as shit, the whole following what I'd already done, even if it was some whacked dream, even if I was losing my fucking mind, did not sit well. I did not want to make every move I had the first time. As I remembered, you know, Father Maxwell telling us all about the consequences of our actions as a kid. That everything we did had a reaction and whether it was good or bad depended on us. And shit, I did a bad thing, bad things came back in reaction. Or something like that. So I guess, I watched my step as I made my way to the market, to the bombed out building Heero had been in as the roofs cleared of soldiers and I was left slowly walking over bloody corpses, smelling fire and explosives on the air through my bandana. I walked cautiously, so damn cautiously, seeing that building with the glass blown out and Heero in the gloom. My mouth felt dry, drier than it already had been in this fucking desert as I walked across the market area, feeling the same creeping sensation I had the first time and fuck, I did not like it one damn bit. But then I was inside Heero's cover, pulling the bandana out of my mouth, coughing a little as I felt like I breathed in sand the fumes of detonated explosives. "Have you got comms?" he asked, abrupt as I remembered and I looked up, seeing the minor injuries he had. The same minor injuries, the cut above his eye, his uniform dusty and bloody and burnt. I nodded, some reason words not coming out as I stared at Heero as it felt like in a few moments time I'd see him as I'd seen him before on the battlefield, dead, in my arms, me kissing his lips one last time and him slipping away. Blood and pain and his breathing stopping. As I had to stop that. Had to damn well stop it. "And?" My mouth opened and I tried not to look so damn useless as he glared, his fierce blue eyes stern and looking kinda pissy as I wasted his time. "Rendezvous C," I blurted out and he looked at me, his eyebrows drawn as though he doubted me and Heero... well, he didn't generally doubt me. He knew I was badass as he was, as strong, as damn good and I hated that fucking look as yeah, the whole situation was fucking with my head but I was in no way incompetent. He nodded as he was figuring it out but I knew we couldn't go the way he thought of... the way that led to that kid blowing himself up. Him dying in my arms. "It was a trap," I said bitterly, angrier now when I knew and my warnings had been ignored. As fuck it, no one could damn believe me and I barely believed myself but fuck, I knew how shit was going to go down and I knew I had to try something to alter the path the events were going to take. "Your team?" he asked and I looked up, met his severe eyes, the way he was still looking a little concerned about my mental fortitude but whatever. As it was weird to have this conversation again, to repeat what we'd already said, to be going through the damn motions again. "Lost a few." I didn't add anything - didn't add how Ethan had looked sprayed with bullets or anything, instead all I did was shrug to which he nodded. And I felt myself saying words I damn well said before but this time, I stupidly stepped forward too, to touch, to feel, to run my fingers up to his face, covered in dirt and sand and blood. It was a little out of character for me, I knew that, as shit, I was the one who always put distance between us, I was the one who left his place, picking up my clothes off his floor five minutes after the sex was done and I had enough breath to damn well move. And now I was initiating but with what I'd seen? Holy fuck, of course, I was gonna initiate something more than my usual reticence in the whole relationship thing. Even if it damn hurt me. But this time, I'd change our route, I'd take point and he'd follow me and we'd never come across the damn kid and it would all be fucking fine. Or that's what I thought. "I'm glad you ain't dead," I said and I meant it as I brushed at one of his long bangs of hair. Heero gave me a look full of sarcasm and raised his weapon, repeating the exact same shit I remembered. "Move out." But before he could get in front of me, before he could take damn control like Heero Yuy always fucking had to do, I pushed in front, raising my weapon, securing the bandana back around my mouth and my goggles over my eyes. "I'm taking point, we gotta go a different way to the rendezvous point due to the explosions." It was a lie and hey, it felt like it burnt on my damn tongue as I said it. After all, fuck my whole thing was not lying to people - but... but what if it saved his life? What if it made it so he survived when in the other version of these events he died in my arms? Like hell was I gonna let that happen so I calculated a new route, one that went nowhere near where that kid had blown himself to shit and walked out of our covered. I'm sure Heero knew it was a damn lie - or knew I was fucking up to something but still he followed me, trusted me and I swallowed, the motion hidden and I was walking out, my footsteps slow, measured, taking us a long damn way around. He probably knew that. He always damn knew everything - that big brain able to work out shit quicker than I ever could and I was pretty damn quick but he was trusting. He had no comms and he didn't know that I was ignoring mine, that I was not following orders or giving a fuck for command. All I was gonna do was get us out of here safe. So damn safe and then we'd kiss once we were back at the base, clean our wounds, spend a night together. Duo fantasy land was a fun place to be, lemme tell you and I intended to keep those happy thoughts even as I walked through the bomb blasted market place. Even as I walked over corpses as fuck, I wasn't going to think about all the shit that had happened in this fuck up of an operation, I was only going to get us out, to the rendezvous point and safe. I didn't want to have to make the call to Quat. I didn't want Heero to die in my arms. I didn't want any of that pain and torture. And I wasn't going to have it as we were gonna get out of here fine and dandy. Positive mental attitude and all. He followed my lead, me hearing his movement, the tiniest sound behind me as we walked and I turned briefly to check where he was, those perfect few paces behind me, his gun raised. We reached a burnt out truck, crouching for a second to regroup as the silence of the place was giving me fucking chills. It all felt wrong and I was waiting for some danger to appear - something like the kid but when nothing did, I removed the goggles for the last time, throwing them to dirt as I didn't want them anymore as I reached for him. "Ready?" I mouthed and he confirmed and we moved, this time in the complete opposite direction of the path we'd taken last time as that was the best way, I thought. My gun was raised, my eyes flicking up and down at all the buildings as we headed towards a narrow street, doors left open of homes that people had left behind. As we walked, it felt even more damn creepy as I saw a deflated football, a kid's shoe, stuff that showed these had been homes. I looked up and down, at all those gloomy windows, my movement deliberate but quick. Like it needed to be. Then I heard damn movement, pointed my weapon, instinct taking over as I readied myself to fire as the noise came from an open door. I glanced towards Heero who only gave me a quick hand signal that meant he'd cover me. Which I knew he would. He was the best damn back up I could ever fucking ask for and I knew exactly how he would act. We were a team before we hopped into bed together and that had its advantages. The room was cluttered, a kitchen area, tables, low ceiling and I bent a little and I ain't that damn tall and then the fucking noise, my body turning towards the sound automatically as I saw the dog, the mangy, filthy dog, its fur matted and its skinny ass rummaging through the remains of garbage or trying to find something edible among the human waste that had been left behind. I let out a laugh. A short burst and I raised my eyebrow at Heero as I turned to look at him, my weapon now hanging loosely at my side. "Damn dog," I said and I walked towards it, reaching for an energy bar on my pack belt around my waist. I could almost damn hear Heero roll his eyes at my response to the animal but shit, kids may be my biggest weakness but animals? Hell, they kinda work the same for me, you know? As abandoned dogs were pretty common back home - left to fend themselves on the streets and I guess, maybe it was just one of those things. I'd been abandoned, unwanted, left for dead, and those animals we found, we tried to help out, tried to feed and maybe I saw that in this stupid dog left to roam in an abandoned village in the middle of the fucking desert. I could hear Heero snort as I unwrapped the package, encouraging the animal to come closer. "Here boy," I said and the dog wagged its tail, approached, sniffed at the bar and took a bite. I reached out a hand to stroke, to feel its matted hair and I knew there was nothing else I could do so I left the rest to it, dropping it to the floor and turning towards Heero. And of course, that's when I saw the shit I did not want to damn well see. Through the door, the gun poised, the bullets firing into the house and Heero was looking at me, damn it, me being a stupid ass feeding a dog and his weapon wasn't out quick enough. I pivoted, raised mine, shot, a small burst of fire that saw our gunman drop and I approached the door, quick light footsteps, sticking my head out a little to see if there were any other men around. There wasn't and even though my move was ridiculously reckless, I didn't give a shit as I was the dumb ass who'd got distracted. I turned back into the room, looking towards Heero and I felt the bottom of my stomach damn drop out. As there he was, on the damn floor and he was holding his stomach and he was bleeding. "Heero!" He grunted and I was at his side, kneeling down on the dusty floor, and shit, I reached my hand to his stomach, instantly feeling my fingers being covered in blood. I swallowed as I saw him already pale, already losing too much fucking blood and I made a noise low in my throat, something that didn't even sound like me, it sounded like a dying animal in pain or something, as shit, I was in pain as I was watching Heero die again. And I'd done everything to fucking stop this. This was not supposed to be happening for fucks sake. We'd avoided the kid, we'd avoided the explosion but here he was, dying in my arms again. Fuck. I tried to staunch the bleeding, ripping apart my own combat gear with a knife, and tried to apply some damn pressure to the wound. It was pretty fucking useless and I got onto my comms, called in man down as I tried to give a location, as I tried to save Heero again. "Stop," he told me and I was not singing this tune again. I was so fucking done already with this mind fuck. "No, asshole! I am so not watching you die, 'Ro," I said through gritted teeth. "Duo," he said, low, slow, husky and deep. That voice that send shivers down my spine and I felt the wetness on my damn cheeks as I knew, fuck, I knew. "Heero." I was brushing at his hair as his breathing stopped. As his body went limp. My fingers were covered in his blood as I touched his face, as I held him so fucking close, as I kissed his cooling skin, brushing away his bangs from his forehead and pressing my lips there. I don't know how long I sat there, on the dusty ground of an abandoned home, or how long it was before we were picked up. The dog, the stupid fucking dog, even ran away, and I was truly alone with him, holding him until they tried to take him away. I fought them. Tear stained and blood stained and fucking dirty as I would not let him go. I'd already done this shit once - like fuck was I giving him up. But I did, pulled away from his body, me screaming at the top of my lungs that he was mine, goddamn it, and fuck was I letting him go. But I did. And I was in the back of the Jeep, held back from him by a dude I didn't know as I saw Heero's body covered by a camouflage tarp, as I looked at him, dead eyed and blank. Back at base, they let me go to the bathroom, fucking stupid pricks, and my fists ended up in the mirror, the pain of the cuts and the feel of my own blood making me feel fucking better. As pain... shit pain, I could understand. You know the physical kind, not the emotional kind and I was rushed for that stunt, put on suicide watch, drugged and though I hated the loss of control, the feeling of oblivion, those drugs were fucking heaven right then as I drifted into blackness. And there was a part of me that never wanted to wake up again. But I did. And I was right back in my damn fucking bunk. |
