"Shadow on the Sun"

Dark Paradise

~ All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
That's why I stay here
Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey ~

Heero tried not to snort or show something on his face that could be classed as insolence or annoyance as he'd been told by Duo he did that. That if he was bored or not interested in what the other person was saying, he had this face and Duo told him it wasn't polite to actually use said face. So instead, he kept his expression neutral, tried to stop his attention from wandering but he kept glancing at Duo, sat in the other chair, leaning back on it as he balanced a pen on his nose.

The vid-screen showed Quatre, dressed in probably a very expensive suit and one that looked somewhat rumpled. On closer observation, he could see Quatre had stubble, which seemed odd as well as bags underneath his eyes and he was pale. And he'd always been pale but the blond seemed paler. He had been explaining the business - the rebuilding effort and the financial burdens of the work that Winner Enterprise Inc. was doing and Heero nodded at times, seeing out of the corner of his eye that Duo was now mocking him, sat on his chair with his arms folded across his chest, like Heero, his head nodding, like Heero and his expression serious and oddly ridiculous on Duo's usually smiling or smirking face.

He didn't laugh, gave him the slightest of smirks but kept his attention on Quatre.

"Relena said you were going to contact Hoffman about a vacation."

Heero knew he had to answer this. As he had. Weeks ago. Promised to Relena. And he saw Duo sit up straighter, suddenly not mocking him any more and Heero turned so he could give him a significant look before returning to look at Quatre.

He hadn't spoken to Hoffman about a vacation. He had about the job, about the research, about the Solar and the fact that the flares had become almost constant issue. He'd talked about the fact that the Solar was experiencing issues with keeping all systems working most of the time and the fact that he was working on emergency systems and auxiliary power for long durations. He talked about his exercise regime and Hoffman had asked why his constant complaints for a more energetic regime had suddenly stopped. But he had not asked for the vacation. He didn't want it.

Duo was now a near permanent fixture aboard the Solar. Some mornings he woke up without him and Heero felt the heart-breaking devastation of losing him again, felt even more keenly when nights were spent in is bunk, kissing and touching and fucking around like they always had. Those mornings he woke up alone on the Solar, it was harder in some ways as he smelt Duo still on the sheets and it was worse than all those mornings he went through the routine, went through the cycles of showers and coffee and wearing Duo's clothes. But he would appear again, his body leaning against the metallic walls, giving him that look that ripped Heero's soul to pieces and they'd kiss hot and hard against the cold steel, feeling the ripples of each other's bodies.

"It's not possible," Heero said finally seeing Quatre's face expectant. He supposed they wanted to see him, he supposed they wanted confirmation of his mental state and how he was coping but he couldn't leave now, his eyes shifting towards Duo. Not when he had him back. "The solar flares and activity have increased recently. It's going to be difficult for some time."

He said it with authority and Quatre nodded. "We miss you, Heero. We all do. And maybe we all need to be together again to remember him," Quatre spoke softly, his eyes full of compassion and maybe there was a slight glint in there. Unshed tears.

And Heero remembered those days after, when Quatre and Trowa lived in their apartment, days spent under their watchful eye and late night conversations. He knew Duo and Quatre had been close. Knew it as Duo spoke to him via long vid-calls. Maybe it was because Quatre was more like Duo. That he talked a lot and smiled and laughed.

One night in the aftermath, Heero had decided that the bottle of fine aged whiskey was a good idea, grabbing it from the liquor cabinet and pouring it into a glass. He'd never really drunk it when Duo was alive but that particular day had been the damn funeral arrangements with Heero sat looking despondent as Quatre sat with him and Une who was making sure that it was done to Preventer specification.

When had Quatre joined him, when Quatre drank with him, they had talked about Duo. Talked about him as Heero hadn't done as talking about him in the past tense had been too damn hard. And Quatre had told him then, words that he thought Heero would react to with anger as he murmured them and then looked up, wide eyed, expecting some violent action from Heero.

"We kissed... once," Quatre had said his voice low and quiet, looking up into Heero's eyes, shaking his head, his blond bangs getting in his face. "It was when... things were difficult between you," he clarified then and Heero had been able to tell that Quatre had feared some repercussions for his actions even if they had been a long time ago. Even if Duo was now dead.

Heero had known there was a difficult time between them and while in Duo's death he had sugar-coated their relationship - undoubtedly he had - he hadn't even been angry with Quatre then.

"Was it during my douchebag stage?"

Quatre had blinked, his big eyes puzzled and confused and then he saw there was a slight smile on Heero's face.

"When was that?"

"The years between birth and seventeen," Heero replied, a small snort in amusement, "according to Duo anyway."

That memory filtered through aboard the Solar even though it seemed a long time ago now. Even though he wasn't sure how he felt about the fact that Quatre had once kissed Duo, even though that memory didn't matter now as Duo was aboard the Solar. As Duo was here, sat forward in his chair, his head perched on his hands as he watched the exchange between them.

"I remember him," Heero said with vehemence, "I remember him every day."

"You don't have to do that alone, Heero," Quatre's voice had got higher in pitch.

"I'm not."

The words spilled out and Quatre's brow shifted up, his eyes narrowed, and his face was serious. "Heero...?"

"He's here with me," Heero said and he saw Duo exhale a breath as though he was expecting Heero to blurt out everything, "every damn day since his death. I don't need to remember him with you."

Quatre looked hurt. That look that Duo had called his "kicked a puppy" face and Heero did feel guilty for a moment, a brief moment before he didn't.

"Take a vacation. Talk to Hoffman," Quatre said, his voice steely and for a brief moment that boy he'd fought on the edge of madness came to Heero's mind, that boy who was willing to kill him, the boy that had nearly killed Trowa.

And Heero remembered that he had been a Gundam pilot and Heero had never underestimated him despite his somewhat innocent appearance. As there was a tactical mastermind hidden underneath those blue eyes and blond hair. The suit didn't disguise that.

Heero wanted to spit back that he didn't take orders now - that he wasn't even a Preventer and not even Une had any say. Though Hoffman was his boss he had ignored him plenty of times as there was an agreement, as long as though the research was continued, as long as the work was being done, Hoffman did not care if Heero fucked around with the tech, if he tinkered with DORIS to get to his own specifications but he hadn't taken orders since Une fired him. Since Wufei brought him back from Boston in detention, his hands cuffed due to regulation and Wufei fitting them with an apology on his face for this discomfort. Since Une had told him it was insubordination and he should've been arrested, not just fired, but then the storm cloud he left under was enough.

"Quatre," he murmured, his voice pleading. He didn't have the skills to argue with him as Quatre was a negotiator, a businessman so damn clever with words that Heero could only try a different approach. Appeal to Quatre's more sensitive side. "I will. Not now."

The blond man sighed. "I just want to see you again. We all do. We lost Duo and it was horrible and it felt like a part of us is missing. I don't want to lose you too."

"You won't."

"I should go," Quatre said, his eyes looking off to the side with a weary voice. "No rest for the wicked, right?"

Heero nodded and reached to turn off the connection, his fingers pressing lightly as Duo approached him, his expression showing something as he worried the inside of his cheek.

"You should go."

"No," he murmured in response.

"No... Quat's right, this... whatever the fuck is going on here is not right, 'Ro. I'm dead and they... they ain't. You should go back to earth. Not on a vacation. Forever, you know?"

The words made sense but Heero couldn't take them, standing up and putting their faces level, looking into Duo's intense blue eyes.

"I'm not having this conversation. I can't..."

"Heero?"

Suddenly, another voice broke through and he turned back to the screen to see Quatre was looking concerned and he swallowed realising that he heard something.

"Who were you talking to? It wasn't the AI..." Quatre's voice was full of concern. "Are you okay, Heero?"

Heero couldn't damn well deal and slammed his fist down on the control panel, cutting off the connection abruptly and ignoring it when the sound of the call coming through again was heard.

"He-Ro - call from Mr Winner."

DORIS was saying it over and over again.

"He-Ro - please tell me to connect the call."

The sound of DORIS, telling him over and over again, was ringing through Heero's head and Duo reached to touch him and he jerked his arm away harshly, the move violent enough to make Duo stumble back into the console and Heero stormed out of the control room, hearing the voice of the AI loud in the tinny metallic corridors.

"He-Ro - please tell me to connect the call."

"He-Ro... He-Ro... He-Ro."

His name was repeated the way DORIS did with that weird inflection and he was at his room, slamming his fist against the panel to open it as he heard Duo's footsteps behind him, his bare feet on the metallic floor.

"Heero!" he said and Heero stepped into his room, locking the door behind him from the inside and making it impossible for Duo to enter through the steel.

He could hear the hammering on the metal, reverberating against the panel and he sat against the cold door, drawing up his knees as fuck, he should not have acted like that as... DORIS could contact Hoffman about his erratic behaviour. Hell, Quatre could and shit, that would mean a one way ticket back to earth, back to a world without Duo, one where he'd drift and live and breathe but not be alive. Not like he was now, aboard the Solar, spending nights wrapped around Duo's body, spending days with him smiling and helping him with exercise regime, him sitting beside him during his hours monitoring data and all of that meant he wasn't alone. He couldn't go back to earth.

"Heero..." Duo said, his voice distant and Heero listened, closing his eyes and his fists balled up. "Let me in..."

Above the sound of Duo's voice, he could hear DORIS and the chant of his name "He-Ro" repeated and he wanted... he wanted the life that he and Duo had meant to have.

They'd meant to have this life where they worked side by side, carpooling to the Preventer HQ, Duo talking about some sports scores with the janitors and the security guys. They were meant to come home at the end of the day, make dinner, go to the movies, have hot sex every few nights and that was meant to be it. They'd fought their wars at teenagers, they'd done everything for this damn world and future and it was meant to be perfect afterwards.

And Heero remembered it wasn't - he'd had his "douchebag stage" as Duo referred to it, they'd had fights and Duo had stormed out and they'd pushed and pulled at each other but it had been them together. He couldn't go back to earth. Couldn't go back to a home that wasn't a home. L1 wasn't either, neither was anywhere he'd travelled with Odin but the Solar was. As Duo was there. Where Duo was... that was where Heero belonged. And shit, now that information would get back to Hoffman they would try to remove him. Like they'd done to Rodriguez.

"No," he murmured, his brain thinking through everything, he knew the Solar like he'd known his Gundam, known every inch of it and he knew there was a way of him staying aboard the Solar forever.

He stood up, opened the door to see Duo there, frustrated, his eyes pleading. "Please, 'Ro, you should listen to them... you can't stay up in space forever and shit, I'm dead. I died. You need to get over me and this is nice and all but this isn't normal. It isn't right."

Heero only grabbed for Duo, dragging him into the room away from the prying eyes of DORIS .

"I won't lose you again," he said sternly and Duo pushed at him, pushed at his shoulders with more force than Heero anticipated and he remembered in that moment those explosive fights and the way Duo's eyes would look so piercing and intense. And in those moments he knew that while Duo had this whole happy-go-lucky friendly persona, that Duo was more than that - he had been Death, he had been a Gundam pilot and he had had no remorse.

"You already goddamn lost me, Heero! You need to go back," Duo said, his eyes wild, his head moving with each word, that braid moving in an hypnotising way. "You can't live like this! You need to let me go."

Heero growled low in his throat. As he'd never let Duo go. He glanced down to his clothing choice, seeing that he'd selected an old t-shirt of Duo's - a skull pattern with cursive script saying "Carpe Diem" and roses. Then there was the cross that he'd worn every second, every second since Wufei came into that Preventer bathroom where he vomited his guts out, stopping when that cross was handed to him and secured around his neck, the cheap piece of jewellery his most obvious connection to the man he loved.

"I tried. Don't you think that I did?"

Duo shook his head, his braid whipping and the end hitting the metal walls with a small "thunk". "No you didn't. You used this place as a shrine to me or something. A place where you didn't have to goddamn deal. That you didn't have to see the other's as oh shit, you'd remember I'm not here, right? I know you, Heero Yuy, I know you better than you know yourself."

They stood then in silence, staring each other down like so many arguments in their own apartment where neither of them would back down as they were both too goddamn stubborn. Always had been. Until Heero spoke.

"I miss you," Heero said after a pause and he felt his hands were in fists and he hated himself for his bodies automatic response but that was how it always was. That his body had been honed for violence and that Duo had taught him through patience and love, it wasn't just a weapon. But that response still surfaced and Duo reached for one of his fists, curling his fingers around his.

"I know... and you can miss me forever but you need... 'Ro, you need to fuck around or drink too much or do something to forget me a little and realise that you can love someone else."

The idea made Heero gasp as he couldn't imagine fucking someone else or touching someone else, lying in bed next to someone else but Duo's fingertips reached for his jaw and he forced him to look into those blue eyes that haunted him even when he wasn't haunting him literally aboard the Solar.

"Take a break. Go to earth. Please...for me?"

The pleading tone in Duo's voice made Heero nod, a short small nod but a nod nonetheless and he saw Duo breathe out a deep sigh.

"I'll contact Hoffman... maybe I do need to be relieved..."

Duo gave him a smile as Heero moved and wrapped his fingers tightly against Duo's cold skin, pushing him with his hips towards the metal as DORIS continued the words "He-Ro", heard distantly through the doors. DORIS said his name all damn wrong but Duo didn't as he pressed his body tight, as their chests and groins bumped into one another. As Duo whispered "Heero" and "baby" and "'Ro" against his lips as they made love.

Heero forgot about his pretence, his lies as those lies didn't feel as harsh when his mouth was pressed against Duo's. When their bodies moved against each other and Duo wrapped his legs and arms around him, tight, as they slowly reached completion together, savouring the moment of climax in slow kisses and touches in lazy circles.

As Duo said he knew Heero better than he knew himself but Heero had changed since Duo's death. And he was a desperate man willing to do anything to keep his lover alive - save him like he hadn't been able to do in Boston.

Chapter 6

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