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"Shadow on the Sun"Written By: Miss Murdered Disclaimer: I don't own the GW characters - am just borrowing to torment for my amusement Rating: NC 17 Warnings: m/m sexual relations, angst, death fic
that is not quite a death fic, some swearing Pairings: 1x2x1 and background 3x4 AN: It is heavily inspired by the films Solaris,
Moon and Sunshine and the title is taken from the Audioslave song
Shadow on the Sun - as per usual, songs inspired chapters and will
be noted. Summary: After Duo's death, Heero
becomes a scientist aboard a sun research facility called the Solar.
In a month of unusual solar activity, he starts seeing Duo again and
Heero has to consider his sanity or whether there is way that Duo
can be alive. " Shadow on the Sun"
Due for a Miracle ~
I'm due for a miracle The control room was transformed, paper scattering the metallic floor, stuck onto the walls, notes scribbled in the margins of the print outs. Heero sat in the middle, kneeling, a pen poised between his lips as his eyes darted through all the information in front of him. The data was from the previous few months, the data that analysed the suns activity and Heero was finding the moments of the spikes in solar flares, searching for those dates, those times, and when he did, he drew a large red ring around that sequence of information. After he was satisfied he had identified the most vitriolic moments of the suns activity, he removed the rest of the pieces of paper, collecting them haphazardly and throwing them into his command chair. Usually Heero was neat, it was one thing that it was important to be aboard a space station as the Solar was damn small so there was a need to keep things tidy, ordered, otherwise it was likely to become difficult to move around with ease. But right now, Heero didn't care as he dragged out his laptop, opening it up and sitting on the floor crossed legged with it balanced on his knees. It took a few moments for the machine to load and while he felt tense, an impatience in his movements, he regulated his breathing, tried to calm himself the fuck down. As it was just a damn theory. And theories were easy to disprove with cold hard facts. It made him remember briefly the school and the war. Things he'd not thought about for damn years but kept on coming to the forefront of his mind recently. He guessed it couldn't be helped. His dreams about Duo had become a regular nightly occurrence, a torture that was getting worse with every passing day and night. As every day, he worked to convince himself that Duo was dead. He'd think about all the facts - think about the days after, the pain, the choosing of a damn coffin with Quatre and he'd accept that Duo had died. And then every night, he'd slip into dreams of him, dreams where they were touching, their bodies slowly moving together, their lips brushing each other's sensually and those dreams were slowly making him lose his mind. Sleep had never been problematic for Heero Yuy. Even during his childhood, even when Odin was dragging him around nameless cities, he lay down on whatever uncomfortable fold out and counted his breaths, in and out, before he would fall asleep listening to the sound of the TV in strange and different languages. But now he was trying at times not to sleep and while he was sure he could live without it for some time it was unavoidable. And while he wanted to avoid it, he also wanted sleep as in sleep Duo was wrapped around him, warm, inviting, his scarred skin rubbing against his own in a way that brought shots of arousal tingling up his spine and through his body, and in dreams, it was better. It was not a way to damn live. The machine had booted up and Heero absently touched at the hickey on his neck, the mark not quite healed despite the few days between the incident as he logged on, using his passwords and getting past his own encryption. The times and dates of the most powerful and violent solar flares were splayed out on the floor in front of him and Heero knew what he had to do as he loaded up the files with his own diary entries, his own log and he picked out the first date - August 18th when a series of powerful flares had knocked out most of the auxiliary technology on the Solar. He clicked play on the video clip, perturbed for a moment to see himself blown up to the full size of the screen, his own voice sounded more emotionless than ever when he heard it on recording and Heero listened to the same few statements. How many days. How Duo had died. He realised then, watching himself back, that it was a fucked up kind of therapy that did him no good as he was still grieving, still not coping or getting over Duo's death and reciting by rote everyday was clearly not making it any better. But then as he got near to the end of the clip, swallowing as he saw his own eyes flash downwards, looking perhaps at the hands in his lap and then Heero realised. In this clip, he wasn't wearing the cross - Duo's cross - and therefore it was in his fingers and Heero's fingers automatically drifted to it around his own neck, instinct taking over. "I saw you, last night," the video Heero said and the present Heero blinked, remembering how he felt that first time. It was only the slightest hint, the shadow, the whip of a braid but it was after that the erotic dreams had begun and then the other sighting where it all became more and more clear. "You were wearing black, you were a shadow but it smelt like you - the apple of that damn shampoo and I saw your hair as you ran around a corner." Heero let his eyes drift from himself, from his own morose melancholy tone to the data on the floor to see that it correlated, that yes, the first siting of Duo had aligned with an increase of solar activity. He growled, a little sound of frustration as he had wanted... he didn't know what he'd wanted as a part of him, fuck a part of him wanted it to be real, more than that, he wanted it to be real so badly so that he could touch and kiss and fuck Duo again but then another part of him questioned his sanity and wanted it to be the delusions of a lonely guy in space, grieving alone, silently, for the man he loved. "I know you're dead," the video continued, "but I know I damn well saw you." The words were bitter, painful and Heero found it hard to listen to himself but thankfully, that video finished and he checked for the next date of increased solar activity, October 2nd, and found that video. He needed them all to match to believe his theory and so he continued, watching the next video, seeing his own face, careworn and damn exhausted. The dreams had started to get more intense then, Heero knew that, and he saw himself start to look more exhausted as he watched another, and another, until he got to the sixth video, realising that, yes, all the times he'd seen Duo connected and as he watched the final one, saw the despondency in his own eyes and as he finished those sentences, he felt something in his chest that he tried to deny. His hand gripped for the cross, the metal as his theory... his damn theory was correct. All the moments he thought he'd seen Duo correlated with solar activity and that meant something. He just didn't know what. He made a noise low in his throat, grabbing at the laptop, seeing where it was paused on his face and he threw the machine against the metallic wall, the sound of it hitting it loud and reverberating around the control room. "He-Ro?" DORIS asked. "You should not throw your laptop." Heero laughed as the machine was not damaged, only landed so he could still see his own despondent face and he realised he was losing control of the laugh as he curled his body in on itself, wrapping his arms around his knees and continuing the laugh. He was being told off like a child by a damn AI and he found that fucking hilarious and his laugh suddenly became breathless, turning into something more like a sob as he looked at the laptop, the data and the realisation that he'd figured it out. "He-Ro, if you continue acting this way I will be forced to call Dr. Hoffman." He felt for his face, for the moisture around his eyes and he figured that tears were there. And he hadn't damn cried - not when Une called, told him solemnly that Duo was dead, told him that he had died in Boston, when he'd taken that call, detached, fallen to the floor and stayed there until Wufei knocked down the door, checking he hadn't killed himself from grief. And he hadn't cried when Quatre and Trowa had moved into the apartment, checking he was stable, living with him for weeks and trying not to touch and act like they were together despite the fact Heero saw it and hated them for it. Hated the way Quatre instinctively leaned into Trowa, hated the way their hands brushed each other and how they gave each other knowing looks. Picking the coffin had been fine, just asserting that it "had to be black" and the funeral itself... while it had been hard carrying the box, carrying it with Quatre and Trowa and Wufei, he had wanted to do it himself even though the ritual seemed ridiculous. He didn't cry as he sat looking on, listening to Une's eulogy, his head bowed and Ray Bans covering his eyes. But now... alone on the damn Solar, seeing Duo, even though that was impossible, he felt the moisture on his cheeks. He composed himself, unfurling his limbs and grabbing at the data print outs curling them up in his fists to throw away into the void of space and he picked up his laptop, undamaged and shut it down, not wanting to look at who he was making those damn recordings. The broken man he'd become. "Don't call Hoffman," he told DORIS as he collected the remnants of his research. "He-Ro, I would advise you contact someone. You are not acting yourself. Let me dial Mr. Winner." "No!" he shouted at the system. "Call Relena." DORIS did not say anything else, only made the call and Heero walked towards his command chair, looking at the screen that said "dialling," his fingers running through his hair, checking his face for any signs of his emotional distress. Something he wouldn't damn show. Not to her. The screen stopped showing the word "dialling" and went black for a moment, a fuzzy staticy sound made until an image appeared and he saw Relena for the first time in months, a smile breaking on her face at his call. "Heero!" "Relena," he replied, nodding his head. Her voice, his name said without the stupid pause was somewhat reassuring and he let a small smile cross his lips as he knew that would make her happy. Make her feel better about him being in space, alone, isolated. "We haven't heard from you for some time..." "The flares." She nodded, her hair flipping over her shoulders and she smiled. She understood. At least, maybe she just believed him but sometimes he used it as an excuse for forgoing human communication as it was easier. Sometimes it just was. "How's everything?" he asked, the casual opening and she smiled again and then she started to talk. Heero listened, or tried to his, eyes focusing on the screen, at her strawberry blonde hair, at her piercing eyes, listening to the tone of her voice, the inflections of it, the amount of times she said his name, "Heero" used as though asserting to herself that she was talking to him or something. He listened to her talk about politics, lifting his eyebrows when she mentioned Quatre, nodding a little when she discussed her brother's work on Mars and he looked as though he was interested but his eyes kept on focusing on aspects of her outfit, the pearls around her neck rather than her words. He could see the window from the angle of the vid-phone, could see that it was a blue sky behind her, bright and sunny, and it made him swallow. As he remembered that it was nice sunny day when they buried Duo in that cemetery for war heroes. And of course, she always knew when she'd lost his attention. "Women's intuition," Duo would say about her, about Hilde, as damn they always knew when their minds had wandered off he'd say, that women always knew when they were thinking about machines or food or sex. "I wish you'd take a break," she said and Heero let his attention drift back to her face rather than the floral broach on her jacket, the bright blue flower glinting. "Visit earth. Us. Me." Heero focused on that blue, so deep, and he remembered the way Duo's eyes shone in the sunlight and he blinked as she spoke again. "You could visit his grave. It would help you. Leave some flowers." His throat felt scratchy and dry at the suggestion. As he never had visited it, only went there once, when they buried him and he saw no fucking point at leaving flowers, decaying useless things and it wouldn't make him feel better, that much he knew. "I'll talk to Hoffman. It takes time for a relief scientist." Relena's face brightened and she smiled so genuinely that Heero almost felt bad for what he just said as he knew he was lying. He couldn't leave the Solar. Not now. Not when he needed to know why he was seeing Duo or whether he was just going damn crazy. But he made her happy. And even if Duo hadn't lied, Heero could. "I want you to come back to us. We miss you." He didn't know what to say, nodded. "Thanks for the supplies." "Hopefully you will collect them yourself next time?" she asked, playfully and he tried to smile at her, feeling false. "You should see his grave, it looks beautiful. It would give you peace." The idea of peace stuck in Heero's throat as he'd fought a war beside Duo, not lost him then, and it was in supposed peace that he'd been brutally murdered. Peace. He had peace aboard the Solar. Until... until that first hint of his braid, the first moment he felt he wasn't damn alone again... "I have to go," he said abruptly, "there's some activity." Relena nodded, her fringe falling in her face and gave him a smile. "I hope you talk to Hoffman soon. I would love to see you again. Properly, I mean." "Goodbye, Relena," he said, his fingers then moving to disconnect the call as she waved. "Goodbye, Heero." He leaned back in his chair as the call finished, looking out at the viewing panel to see the sun furious, his eyes focusing on the violence of its activity. He maybe had lied that there was activity but then the sun had become so vitriolic recently that it wasn't a total lie. And maybe it was because he damn hoped. As much as it was torture, the dreams, the feelings, the thinking he saw him, Heero still wanted to see whatever he could of Duo as shit, a shadow of Duo was better than none of him. Heero clutched the cross and then got up from the control panel, returning to his routine now his research had been done, the one variation to his daily schedule. He worked out, ate, showered as he damn should, thinking of his research, thinking of Relena's words and thinking of how he didn't care if the grave gave other people peace, it didn't give him and he did his last night time checks, walking the length of the Solar, his feet bare against the metal. The control room door opened for him and he looked at the data like he always did before he slept, checking the changes and he looked out, almost sensing the oncoming solar storm. "Please wake me with an alarm if the flares increase." "How much do they need to increase for me to wake you?" Heero rolled his eyes, glad that the damn machine couldn't see his childish action. An action he had learnt off Duo. "Any increase." "Okay, He-Ro," DORIS replied. "Good night." He walked back down the length, the main lights turning off as he walked, the emergency lighting system coming on. DORIS knew his preferences and he entered his own room, stripping out of his shirt, to sleep in boxers, crawling into the bunk and lying flat on his back, looking at the luminescence of the clock, the green lettering bright in the darkness. "You're dead," he said out loud, feeling damn crazy as he did, "Duo, you're dead." It wasn't reassuring as he closed his eyes, regulated his breathing and fell asleep, the sound of the Solar's systems lulling him into sleep. Though even as he was falling to sleep he felt hands, his eyes fluttering as fingertips traced his chest, tracing a scar from his self-destruction and his eyes flew open, his mouth suddenly dry as he sensed the other person, knowing, knowing instinctively that touch. "You're dead, Duo," he said, repeating those words even as fingers touched him. Hands suddenly grabbed Heero's wrists, dragging them to touch skin and his heart almost stopped beating when it came into contact with skin, cold, but fleshy and firm. "Do I feel dead, baby?" |
