"Braid"

Written By: Kaeru Shisho

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Gundam Wing or its characters, nor do I make any monetary profit off this story.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: AU, male/male pairings, language

Pairings: 1x2. 3x4. 5x6

Summary: The interlaced stories of the GW pilots mirror their entwined friendships as they romance their way through life.

"Braid "

Chapter 5

(o) Wufei's POV

I left the College of Arts and Sciences building and wandered home. I felt the need to consult someone, but besides Heero (who I hadn't forgotten I intended to kill, but he was doing a better job of punishing himself over his relationship woes than I could ever do) I couldn't imagine who that might be. I had attempted friendships with others at the university and failed miserably.

What I craved was a lover. Could Milliardo Peacecraft become that? Oh, dear Ancestors! What would they ask of me next? Would I have to burn down my house for them to know my devotion and come to my assistance?

I had lost my way. I could hardly recall the family altar of my childhood—and even fainter was the memory of the clan ancestral temple on L5. Incense. That fragrance had seeped into my pores. Tablets with faces of long-dead people, their names. All lost. What should I be doing?

As the eldest male I should speak to the altar on a daily basis and possibly pray to the spirit to do something for the family. But what did keeping the rituals mean, if I'd already forgotten my lineage? Would I forever be haunted?

We had kept our festivals, not the same as the earth-bound Chinese, and now I couldn't remember the dates. All I could do was offer a burning candle to my parents, Meiran, and others of the Long clan.

So far, the spirit world had left me alone. I had to be doing something right, or they would have abandoned me for all time, dooming me to rely solely on the wisdom of the living.

Which brought me back to my earlier lament: Who to turn to?

My first choice was Heero, obviously, then Maxwell, Barton, and Winner. Remarkably, I was unable to reach any of them. It happens, especially when they are busy and in different parts of the universe. Even Heero was unavailable for lengthy conversation this day, which brought me to my second tier choices.

I began to wonder if every colleague I ever had was ever a friend at all. I'd look at my acquaintances, try to have a meaningful conversation, and their eyes would glaze over. No one listened. Most people could care less what I had to say. They either hated my guts or were completely obsessed with me, and I became tired of it. Some of them were too scared to talk to me; being an ex-Gundam pilot had a lot to do with that, when I first started out, and being in a position of power at the university contributed later on. Others totally avoided topics of the intimate nature and would cling to safe ones, always work-related subjects, keeping our contact completely professional, which I preferred generally. At least I knew where I stood with them, and where I'd continue to be year after year.

It didn't afford me anyone to share my problems with, though. I wasn't "out", but being seen dating Milliardo, who was definitely an unrestrained -or repentant- flirt, would kick me out of any closet, no matter how dark, deep, and secret it was. Not that I was in denial. I knew what I was and who attracted me, but I had an image of myself, my debt, real or imagined, to my ancestors, to attempt, at least try, to marry a willing woman and produce progeny.

But... I was totally in love, as I stated before, and out of candles and any other appropriate form of offering, and I had no one living to consult. So when Milliardo called me the next day to meet him at the coffee shop, my mouth appropriated my brain and I agreed immediately.

After ordering tea, I joined him at his exposed window seat. No hiding for him.

"It's good to see a friendly face," he greeted me. "Everyone is unfamiliar today."

"I'd introduce you around," I told him, "but other than a few dry ancient-history professors and linguists, there's no one I think might be apt."

"I embarrass you?" He shot a look around the shop. "Would you prefer a table in the corner?"

"What? No! Nothing like that! You only make me look good!" The blood shot to my face and I wished I hadn't said that. My mouth had a mind of its own, obviously, and it wasn't connected neurologically, with the one in my head. "I have no friends, to be honest. Working relationships, partnerships, research teams."

"Not Heero Yuy? Surely, he's a friend. He thinks you are in any case."

"Well, him, of course, and the others," Duo, Trowa, and Quatre went without saying, "but they aren't here."

"Ahhh. I understand, actually," Milliardo said.

No, you don't. You couldn't possibly. My withering glance up from my tea cup must have said it all.

"You think that just because people think I'm attractive and rich that I don't have any problems?" He ran his long, fingers through his straight pale hair, pushing the messy, bangs to the side.

"I'll trade you problems," I muttered.

"I'm sure your striking features attracting unwanted suitors must be a problem we share already."

My breath caught in my throat. "No, never."

"Then you just aren't noticing. A handsome, sexy, young man like you must get tired of having older guys watch you in the halls; tired of getting embarrassing compliments in front of everybody."

I blushed and shook my head furiously. "That doesn't happen to me!" I insisted as if my life depended on it.

"Hmmm, well, if I believe you, then you are supremely lucky. I've come to expect a request for some sick sexual favor from me the second I'd meet a new person—from males and females. I'm tired of losing friends because of how I look. I have feelings too you know. You have been the first person who ever listened closely enough to me to understand me in a very, very long time."

"Me?" I said, actually startling a ridiculous giggle out of me. Considering all the blatant sexual images and thoughts I'd been suffering since I saw him, I was no better than the worst of them. Pervert Wufei. No wonder my ancestors no longer pay me any attention!

Milliardo leaned across the table, making me even more nervous than I already was. "You see? You listen to me. You're not just pawing me or staring at me like everybody else. That's why I like you so much, because for the first time in my life I've found somebody that makes me feel like I matter."

I was trying to smile for him, but his words made me feel sick. He saw me as such a potentially good friend, vastly different from everyone else he had ever known, and here I was falling for him with every word he spoke.

Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn't I turn it off? Here was this awesome, wonderful man, pouring his heart and soul out to me, and all I could do was think of how extraordinary it would be to kiss him.

He reached out and laid a hand on mine, covering it completely.

"I'm really happy to be here, to get to know you. It's strange, but I've never felt so close to anybody before in my life. There are things I've needed to talk about and I feel I can trust you. I really like you- is that all right?"

That's when it happened, my thoughts whip-lashed from confusing and semi-innocent, right back to sexual again. I hadn't wanted to get past that image of a sweet kiss I'd pasted over all my other images, but looking over into his grey-blue eyes slightly hidden behind strands of white-blond hair, I pictured his beautiful nude body on top of mine, glistening with a thin sheen of sweat.

"Milliardo."

He was holding my hand- my hand! He was staring into my eyes without saying a word, and I thought to myself, all I would have to do is lean forward. Just a few inches. I started to wonder whether our entire friendship, everything that had been built between us (yes, it was only a few days in the making, but I was taking into consideration all our past!), would be worth that one sweet kiss. Just a simple kiss, with lips so tender and soft. How could he hate someone who wanted him so much? Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't mind.

We continued to look at each other and for a quick second I could have sworn I saw a spark of something in his eyes, a knowing shine with promise that let me know he understood.

Lust thrust its searing blade right up through me; it was a near-death experience. I didn't know what to do, but if I didn't concentrate on something else, I was going to pass out. And then, naturally, I thought of how smooth and soft his hands were. Focus! I felt callouses from sword-handling and piloting controls, but they weren't roughened by hard work, scarred by accidents, or by the cruelty of war- and I thought about how he must be an excellent kisser.

I wanted to act, to say something, do something. I was right at the door leading to change, possibly a good one. All I had to do was open it.

"Bet you want to know what I'm thinking?" he smiled furtively.

I nodded. My racing heart tried to leap out of my chest so it could break that door down entirely. Yes! Yes, damn you! Give me a sign!

"Well...it's a secret!" he chuckled. The effect was like slamming that theoretical door in my face.

That was my 'sign'? I blinked away the image I'd just painted of us kissing on a beach, the wind blowing wisps, no, masses of platinum hair all over my body. I'd been given my sign and it wasn't the one I'd been hoping for. Instantly, my senses came under control of brain again, my reason returned, and I pulled away from him.

"Thanks, Milliardo. You...you may consider be a good friend and confident. You can count on me."

We both stood up, and shared an awkward moment before he stuttered, "Of course...g-good friends."

Then there was a total mood shift. As if we changed dimensions or something. He left in haste, paying at the cash register on his way out. I sat a while longer and mourned. What had I done wrong? Had I imagined more than what had been?

Obviously, I had.

(o) Heero's POV

The next morning, Duo shook me awake. I cracked open an eye when he kissed me lightly and noticed he had already dressed and looked ready to go out.

"You're going?" I asked.

"Yeah, got a job interview, not really paying, more an internship, but it could lead to more pay. Just something. You okay?"

"Yeah. I hadn't slept that well in... ever. I feel good." I moved a little more, waking up, and winced, feeling that unusual pain. Even into the next day, I ache.

"What's wrong?"

"- my ass." It kept me planted in the soft blankets on the bed.

"Stay, sleep, use my computer, game controllers are under the coffee table. I'll pick up dinner on the way home." He kissed me solidly on the lips and left me wanting more lazing in his bed.

I wanted more of his touches; God, who wouldn't? Of its own volition, driven by intense cravings for contact only Duo could satisfy, my body leaned into his kiss, begging for more. I would test if sex would improve with practice! But itching at the back of my consciousness was this irritating voice... probing. It was that part of me that wanted to talk about what had happened, how we were doing, and where we were heading—relationship business. I was saved the trouble of choosing which longing to give into, when he bolted from the bedroom. Seconds later I heard the front door slam behind him.

Without his influence, I found the motivation to get up, and find something to eat. He'd given me his passwords, so I manhandled his computer into submission and immediately searched the internet for help. There had to be a thousand guides and helpful hints to having good sex; I only needed one.

I read maybe ten and learned loads. Next time, use lubricant, touch him, take time. I had been too afraid. Afraid? Of what, some pain? Unlikely. What really was terrifying me, I didn't want to deal with. I took that thought, suppressed it, compressed it into a ball and crammed it into a little pocket of my subconscious labeled "Later, baby!" The rest of what I learned, I stored it all away in my head like a training manual. I'd make a success of sex yet, if I ever had another chance.

And I contacted Trowa for some advice. Advice only. Just to make things clear. Any story he tells that puts us in bed having sex is pure fantasy. It did not happen. He likes to pretend that we did to rile everyone else. But we didn't. Not, no, never. I only sought him out on the subject of certain toys for enlarging passages, which he'd mentioned needing for a certain someone at one time. That was it.

The more I thought about it, and I deliberated long and hard about every aspect of our encounter, the more convinced I was that Duo had left me that morning to avoid a confrontation. That was how I saw it. If I'd called him, or had he called me, our conversation might have gone like this and we would have worked out our problems:

"Listen, Heero. It's great, the sex part, and it can be even better—lots better with practice- but you gotta know I want more, that emotional link, but I'm not so sure you're willing or even capable of giving me that."

I didn't know. "Hn."

"Think of it as a new chapter in our book."

"Book? We have a book?"

"Go with the metaphor here, college boy. The themes were already in place. Instead of you sticking to your character, you modify things a bit so that your plotline in the story and mine can change."

"I see."

"Good. Because the old plot stunk. I'd fought the notion of us being a devoted couple before, and had had to run away to avoid being reminded of how much I wanted the impossible when you just made it obvious you weren't interested, or ready."

"Oh, well, I'm ready for more, for a relationship, Duo."

"Let's go for it!"

We didn't have that conversation, though.

So, I didn't actually know how he felt about me- or us- just like he didn't know how I was suffering in my own state of confusion. I was trying to fit into an outdated character description of my own making, and it was uncomfortable. I no longer wanted the same old "just be friends" or even the slightly better "friends with benefits" plotline, and was unsure how to alter it. Was it too far in the story to change things now? Didn't know, but since we hadn't had that nice talk, and I hadn't learned his change of heart, I sure as hell wasn't ready to start turning over the proverbial new leaf just yet. So, we kept to the same old storyline, twisted the ever-changing characters into their fixed forms, and forged ahead—at a snail's pace.

I continued to visit Duo at his place, the house he shared with other college men. It beat being alone in my place. It beat being alone, period. All my temporary roommates had deserted me one-by-one. That should have been an indicator to me that I wasn't easy to be around.

"Come stay at my house." He stood at my desk, fumbling with my pencil holder and waiting for me to say something. "There's food for dinner and no roommates," he added invitingly. "All going to the ball game."

"Okay."

I packed up my papers and let him lead me to the parking lot to his ten-year old car.

I chuckled at the beat up appearance and pushed away the books on the passenger seat. "Date much lately?" I asked, teasing him.

"No," he told me frankly and drove home.

I didn't ask if that meant that he and I were exclusive, although it would have been a good idea. We tip-toed around the "do you love me?" issue and just enjoyed the feeling of togetherness. Um, and sex, too. We got better at doing that as well, but I sure as hell am not going to go into that now. Just use your imagination and you'll get the idea.

Problem was, well, there were two problems actually. How deep did his feelings for me go, and how much longer could I deny how much he meant to me? I wasn't ready to risk everything with some big stupid admission when things weren't so bad the way they were.

The third problem hit hard and fast, like, as Duo would put it, a sneaky curve ball.

At least a couple months had passed since Duo and I had engaged in our memorable first sex. We were kind of, nearly, almost-boyfriends, but I knew he was up to something that didn't include me. I could practically hear the gears going in his head. When I checked his computer, I found that he'd been investigating L2, looking for jobs, but he'd told me about that. He was looking around Sanc as well. There were two offers he'd replied to, though, and both had originated on L2. So when Duo arranged to meet me on campus, I was somewhat prepared to hear something momentous.

He told me he'd gotten a job offer on L2 earlier and wanted to take it and "get the hell outta Dodge".

I didn't want to leave. I had my life here on earth, in Sanc, graduate school, but I didn't say that, not at the time. I told him he should "do what he thought was best." I was late to class, so we didn't have time to discuss it any further.

When that evening Duo stopped by my place, it was without warning. And when Duo declared his love for me, I was shocked. Wasn't his declaration exactly what I had wanted, making it clear how he felt? Well, yeah, but what about the L2 move? It all looked hopeless to me. I wanted something from him, but we couldn't even seem to be together here in Sanc, so how could we make a life together on L2?! I couldn't put two thoughts together in his presence! What was he thinking? Did he expect me to drop everything I was doing and follow him to L2, where I'd be a total basket-case and at odds with what I was doing? What did he want from me? What did he want? What was he really saying here? What? What? What?!

Just thinking my part of the conversation and I sounded hysterical. My head hurt. I fought back tears. I was already pushing way past that "two consecutive thoughts" limit and I wanted to die and I couldn't tell him why.

So, I, the hopeless head case, told him to give me the time I needed to finish classes and then come see me again. It would be years.

Insane, I know. I thought briefly that I should take advantage of the student health program and get my head examined.

I wondered how much time I had before Duo would leave the gravitational pull of earth. I didn't blame him.

(o) Duo's POV

Oh, Heero, Heero, Heero-

You see, I kinda have this problem (oh yes, just one! Bear with me, huh? I mean, it's not as if you don't have any either! And besides...I have to live with me forever). My problem is that I really can't tell a lie. I mean, of course I can, just not convincingly; at least, not without really getting into my part and acting it all out perfectly. Most of the time, I go to great efforts to avoid situations where I would need to fib. There's just something inside me that absolutely hates to lie. So, even when I convince myself to try it, that little part of me totally sabotages the effort. I've learned that it's totally pointless to even try.

It's even hard for me to do the good, old-fashioned lying by omission. You know, not telling an untruth, but just not telling, period. Talk around the obstacle.

Now, where was I?

I need to step back a few days in the story. We'd had sex. I was so crazy in love with the guy I nearly blew it. I'd lost control; I'd hurt him; I'd fucked him into his non-verbal state again. I ran away to give him time to come to terms with whatever he was thinking.

Me? I struggled with my inner demons until I decided it was time to share my innermost thoughts with Heero. I'd given him weeks of time. Job offers were materializing, but the best ones were streaming in from L2. If he didn't want me, then I couldn't stay in Sanc. He might be interested in L2 for a change, too. I wouldn't know if I didn't ask, right? It was now or never. I couldn't hide my feelings from him, so I might as well just get everything out on the table and let him have a part in deciding our future, if we had a future together.

I'd seen him across the quad and felt my stomach lurch, or heart thump—some internal organ going haywire with excitement.

I chased him down. "Hey! Heero!"

"Duo! How are you?"

Since he seemed equally happy to see me as I was to see him, I invited him to my place for dinner and to watch some downloads or play a game or something tame and inoffensive.

I was determined to show him a good time while he was over and make a supreme effort to impress him with and my ability to provide us dinner and my computer setup. Heck, that was usually the easy part for me anyway, the computer. That seemed like the only way I was gonna have a chance with him...I had to show him we could work together...that I wasn't an unnecessary risk in his life. I just couldn't stand the thought of him worrying I was gonna be a problem for him. No, I wanted him to value me for who I was, and what I was capable of doing, under the right circumstances. He was hopelessly shy and painfully awkward around other people, but I never doubted my own abilities to get past that and get us on common ground.

Computers... when it came to stuff like that, I simply knew I could do it better than most. If I really had to...

Anyway, that meeting turned out okay. We got along like old times. Friends with a little twist, a hint of spice. He left with an open invitation for me to visit him at his place, giving me a few days to choose from—ones with a few free, unscheduled hours.

I didn't deal very good with waiting days to see him . It gave me more time to think than was healthy. I wanted to do was get away, travel, see something new- and do it with Heero. What I had was a case of the roving blues, I guessed. I'd had enough of making time in Sanc. I hadn't found any jobs that would make me want to stay. In fact, the only thing to stay for was Heero, and couldn't he do his studying stuff someplace else just as good? I thought so. L2 was going great guns with rebuilding and there were IT jobs galore. I could work and he could do his engineering shit and have a blast for a few years before moving on to something else. Why not?

Well, first thing, I needed to let him know that I was insanely in love with him and wanted him to join me on this great life adventure I had in mind. He didn't seem to have any ideas of his own, so I figured he'd welcome mine.

So, that's how I found myself standing at the front steps leading to Heero's domain and stared at that stupid door. For a long time. I felt like a contestant on some insipid game show, and my fate was hidden behind that stupid door. But what was my fate? Ridicule and hate? Pain and humiliation?

Or something good?

Then this great big voice, which sounded a bit like Howard, come to think of it, bellowed through my brain: "Why would Heero Yuy want to tie himself down to you?"

That's when all the self-confidence ran out of me with a whimper and a whine. I knew I shouldn't even let myself pretend for a moment that we could actually become...um...well, you know...could I? I mean, that was just too stupid and far-fetched an idea to even...no. No way!

It was as if I was talking to this guy, not myself!

"I'm just checking on 'Ro, just visiting to make sure he's okay, right? Just to let him know that I was concerned about him...in a friendly sort of way," I told the voice like Howard.

I knew all too well how easily I tended to confuse wishful thinking with reality. I had always had this ability to see the wonderful possibilities in things, only to end up disappointed with the final version of things reality had presented me. Seldom had the real world lived up to my fantasies. Well, okay...more like never, especially when it came to romance. Plus, I had this overactive libido working against me. That just kept getting me into so much trouble. I mean, it was like I was abnormal or something.

Quatre and Trowa never seemed to be bothered much. To me (and I could be entirely wrong about them), it appeared that they could admire men from afar and keep their hands to themselves and mouths shut.

Wufei even once revealed to me his...cravings...which seemed about on par with my own, so I wouldn't feel quite so alone with that problem. Except that he held himself under the tightest control imaginable and did nothing about it. He dated no one; that scion of honor. I found willing outlets, but nobody captured my heart and made it do those calisthenics like Heero.

After a great effort (and a little more self-delusion), I summoned the courage to take another step forward toward Heero's house. Now, I was beginning to feel a little bit ridiculous (well, it takes some people longer than others, okay?). My resolve strengthened again, and I went right up those steps, and pushed the doorbell.

Please, God above, let nobody be home...please, please, please!

I hoped he'd gone out.

Oh no!

No. I heard footsteps coming down the hallway...approaching the door. Those were his less-than-dainty footfalls thumping a path to the door. I really wanted to run at that point, but my feet just wouldn't let me. Stupid feet!

A weakness settled over me. I felt light-headed. Oh shit! Now what was I to do?

I almost passed out completely when Heero opened the door.

"Hello? Duo? I wasn't expecting you. It's good to see you again."

I grabbed for the doorjamb to steady myself. "So formal! Heh, heh."

I looked over my shoulder for a speedy exit route for when my case of cold-feet and my sky-rocketing temperature met up someplace in my middle and threatened to blow me to smithereens.

"Bet you're wondering what brought me by?" I didn't give him a chance to guess. "I needed to get some things off my chest, and not my shirt, ha ha!"

I was just trying to break the ice with a bit of humor, but I was probably closer to getting my nose broken instead.

Still, he let me in and offered me milk and pie. That was nice.

Afterwards, we went to his front room to listen to the latest tune I'd burned. At that point we just sat, or he did, while I was lying down on the couch and chit-chatting about classes, some ideas, stuff like that. The safe stuff.

"Good," he said, "you're smiling again." He smiled to mirror me, I suppose. "For a minute there you looked pale, like something might be seriously wrong."

"Nothing that a few minutes alone with you doesn't cure every time," I said smoothly.

Mistake. This was Heero I was talking to, not some airhead.

"Listen," he started.

And I always did- to what he had to say. Everything he said, I heard, I remembered, so that I could replay it in my head when I was alone and sad or just needed to hear a friendly voice, well, his anyway. But this time my brain filled with noise all my self-doubts clamoring for the upper hand.

Chapter 6

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