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"Agglomeration"Written By: The Plotting Housewife Disclaimer: Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai, Sotsu
and associated Parties. This work is written for pleasure not profit. Rating: R Warnings: Humor, crack Pairings: Trowa/Quatre, Heero/Relena Summary: Heero tries to be funny and actually succeeds. Notes: So I dabbled a little bit into a socially
awkward Heero, which he kind of is. I don’t get all pseudoanalytic,
or delve deep into it. It’s just kind of implied that Heero doesn’t
always understand social cues, or even knows how to make “appropriate”
jokes, nor does he understand the importance of delivery. " Impressions" The silence of the media room was broken only by the occasional pop coming from the fireplace and the intermittent sighs coming from one Duo Maxwell who was laying on the floor with his socked feet propped against a rocking recliner. He pushed the chair back and forth, causing the brackets to squeak slightly and blinked up at the vaulted ceiling, whistling out another long-winded sigh. “This sucks.” Wufei lifted his weary head from his hand and shot the braided man a half-hearted glare. “Yes, we know. You’ve notified us of this pertinent information every ten minutes without fail.” “Why can’t we watch TV?” “Because, Duo,” Quatre murmured sleepily from the sofa. “There’s no power, remember? This is the thousandth time I’ve told you that in the last five hours.” He was laying across the sofa with his head in Trowa’s lap and his feet in Heero’s. Both Heero and Trowa were out cold and it looked as though the blond would be joining them in La La Land at any moment. “Don’t you have a generator, or somethin’ in this place?” “We can’t risk sending out any signals tipping off where we are.” “This is what’s called “laying low”, Maxwell. It’s this, or an OZ prison cell. Take your pick.” “At least the Ozzies let you watch the WE. I’m dying to know if Lucha Grando is gonna kick Reggie the Squid’s ass.” “Or they turn off your oxygen and let you suffocate,” Wufei said. “But it’s nice to know you have your priorities in order.” “Oh, shut up. God, you’re such a buzzkill.” “I had no idea you were inebriated, but that explains a lot.” “Fuck you, man.” Quatre watched as both of them tensed. “Knock it off, both of you.” He glanced down towards the end of the couch at Heero who was still comatose with his head drooped over his chest. “You wake him, he’s gonna pull his gun on you.” Wufei snorted. “Yeah, how many times has that happened? He never pulls the trigger.” Duo chortled and slapped his knee. “I swear, for someone so trigger happy, he’s a real pussy when it comes to actually doing the deed.” Wufei weaved his fingers together and pressed his hands beneath his chin. His expression was a caricature of someone who was obviously smitten and Quatre decided it was rather disturbing on a face that was typically either angry, or morose. “Oh…Relena. I’m going to kill you…with mylove!” Duo made a loud sound, somewhere between a bark and a snort, then snickered into his hands while Quatre buried his face in Trowa’s leg to muffle his laughter. In addition to the popping of the fire, now the room was filled with the sounds of three teenage boys desperately trying to smother their hysteria. Duo wiped tears from his eyes, still hiccuping an occasional giggle. “Oh, man! That was good, Fei. I take it back. You’re only half a buzzkill.” Wufei’s shoulders shook with mirth. He rubbed his hand over his face and glanced up, freezing on the spot when he was met with an intense, blue-eyed death glare. He cleared his throat and tried for casual. “Morning, Yuy. Sleep well?” Duo sat up instantly, eyes bugging out as he spun on his butt to face the now wide awake Perfect Soldier. An awkward laugh bubbled out from between his lips, his cheeks blooming red. “Hey…eh-heh. Hee-chan, how’s it hangin’?” Heero’s eyes slid from Wufei over to Duo, though his head never moved. “How it’s “hangin’” is irrelevant, Duo. What were you just talking about?” Duo hesitated. “How much did you hear?” “Duo.” “Okay! What? Okay, okay…it wasn’t nothin’. Just having a bit of fun.” Heero looked more confused than angry. “Making fun of me is fun?” “Errr…” Duo glanced around for a little help and glared at his partners in crime when he received none. Some friends you guys are. Let’s see if I do you any favors the next time you’re in a bind. “Well, Heero. Sometimes making fun of people can be funny. It’s not meant to be mean, y’know? I mean, I rip on myself all the time. You’ve heard Fei and I do it to each other and even Quat and I have done it. We didn’t mean nothin’ by it.” Heero looked thoughtful. “I see. So, I can make fun of you then?” Duo scratched his head. “Uhhh…sure? You can make fun of anyone, I guess.” “Hm. Okay, I’ll give it a try.” He gave Duo a pointed look. “You’re loud, obnoxious, you have no manners, your feet stink, and you talk about your “junk” way too much.” Duo’s jaw dropped open. “Uh, okay, but that’s not exactly what I -” “You’re too uptight. You have an unhealthy obsession with honor. You patronize women because in reality, you’re afraid of them. You’re ridiculously conceited and that ponytail looks utterly laughable.” Heero had turned on Wufei now and the latter’s face could only be described as hilariously indignant, but he was too stunned to respond. Heero turned his head and looked at Quatre who blinked owlishly and pulled his legs closer to himself. “And you. Who are you trying to fool? We all know you love taking dick, or at least want to. Especially his.” Heero nudged his chin at the still sleeping Trowa and how the hell could he actually sleep through all this? “Why don’t you just bite the bullet and ask him to fuck your brains out? God knows you need to get laid.” Quatre’s face burned beet red, mouth gaping like a fish. He glanced up at Trowa, looking for any signs that he’d heard that. Heero seemed completely clueless about what he’d just done, glancing around at the three of them with a guileless expression. “How was that? Funny?” He looked disappointed when he received nothing but a round of gobsmacked faces. “You’re not laughing.” Duo looked at Wufei who shrugged helplessly. He got up, brushed himself off, and stepped towards the sofa. “Well, um…I think we can all agree that you’re honest. Maybe a little too honest. That’s not quite what I meant though, buddy.” “What did you mean?” “I didn’t mean to put people down! That’s not the same thing.” “Then how do you do it?” Duo threw his hands up, at a loss. “I…don’t really know how to explain it.” Heero looked down at his lap, his brows drawn low. “Hm. I guess I just don’t understand.” “Heero, it’s okay.” Quatre reassured him. “Some people are just better at that than others and anyway, we really shouldn’t make fun of people. It’s not nice.” Heero glanced back up, his eyes settling on Wufei. “Do I really look and sound like that?” Wufei shifted in his chair, looking a tinge uncomfortable. “Well…no, not exactly. I was exaggerating. To, you know, make your little obsession with Relena funny.” Heero chewed his lip in contemplation. “So, like…” he trailed off and stood up, squaring his shoulders and puffing his chest out. He rested his fist over his heart and dropped his voice to a deep sounding timbre. “Onna, what do you think you’re doing? The battlefield is no place for you. I will not dumb myself down to accommodate weakness.” He glanced around at his friends with a hopeful look on his face. “How was that?” Duo clapped his hands with a laugh and nodded his head, looking decidedly impressed. “That’s it! You got it! That was actually really good. You sounded just like Fei.” He glanced over at said boy, taking note of his twitching left eye. “Didn’t he sound like you?” Wufei was dubious. “Yeeaaahhhhh…” He cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other and his arms over his chest. He didn’t bother to conceal his petulant expression. “But can you do Maxwell?” Heero took a moment to think about it, then loosened his posture, shaking his arms out to relax them. The other three watched as he slouched his shoulders and were shocked when he reached down and scratched his crotch. “Hey, man,” he said, sounding uncannily like Duo. He tossed his head and continued, “It ain’t like they’re gonna shoot us from three kilometers away. Let’s just blow that shit to kingdom come and get outta dodge. I got half a dozen cheeseburgers with my name on ‘em and they ain’t gonna eat themselves.” Quatre had a surprised grin on his face as he looked over at Duo. “That’s amazing! He sounds exactly like you.” Duo ignored the blond and glared at Heero. “Alright, I’ll give you that. What about Quat, though?” Heero moved his body into a more closed up position, bringing his feet together and squaring his shoulders again, though not haughtily as he’d done when he mimicked Wufei. He fidgeted with his hands and blinked suddenly giant eyes. “Oh…guys, please don’t fight!” He said, adopting a softer, higher pitched voice. “Wufei, it’s nice that you want to practice your swords, but could you wait until after everyone’s awake? It’s rather loud. Duo, please don’t eat with your mouth full and use a coaster, for Allah’s sake!” He turned slightly, clasped his hands against the side of his face and sighed wistfully. “Oh, Trowa. Will you ever love me? Or are you always going to be that edgy emo bad boy who wants tattoos and piercings and rides motorcycles? I wish I could tell you that you’re overcompensating for something, but I was raised to be a polite, little gentleman.” Heero concluded his impression by batting his eyelashes. Quatre was blushing furiously, but conceded with a soft laugh. “You’re good.” “Is that what you were talking about?” Duo shrugged. “Yeah, sorta. You might want to practice a little and you don’t have to do the same things all the time. Part of life is learning to laugh at yourself and even other things. You just have to refrain from actually putting people down. Don’t insult them. Know what I’m sayin’?” He nodded. “Yeah, I think so.” He glanced over at Trowa who still appeared to be sleeping soundly. “I have never met anyone in my life who can sleep like he does.” “I’m not asleep.” They all jumped when they heard the calm murmur. Quatre’s face turned a sickening shade of green, on the verge of puking from his panic. “Trowa! How long have you been awake?” Trowa’s eyes opened and he lifted his head from the back of the couch. “Long enough.” “How much did you hear?” He gave the blond an unreadable look. “Enough.” “Enough,” Heero mimicked in a very Trowa-sounding voice. “”How was your day, Trowa?” “Good.” “Did you complete the mission, Trowa?” “Yes.” “Did you have any complications, Trowa?” “No.” “Hey, Trowa. Your hair’s on fire.” “Okay.”” Duo busted out laughing, rolling back on the floor. “Aw, man! That’s good shit. It’s funny ‘cause it’s true. Nothin’ phases you, man.” Trowa glared at him, then glanced back at Heero who was looking decidedly pleased with himself. “What’s all this about?” Quatre scratched his neck, blushing. “We were - we were teaching Heero how to make fun of people.” Now that he said it, it sounded juvenile and cruel. Trowa tipped his head to the side. “Why?” “’Cause it’s fun, Tro. You should try it sometime.” Trowa didn’t seem interested in that. He was too busy starting at Quatre who looked away, suddenly timid. “You want me to fuck your brains out?” Quatre looked scandalized. “What? No!” Trowa appeared unconvinced and the blond caved, his shoulders drooping. “Yes. But, I promise you I would never -” “And what am I overcompensating for?” Poor Quatre looked like he was going to have a stroke. “N - Nothing! I didn’t say that. Heero did. I don’t think -” Trowa grabbed the boy’s face and pulled him close, leaning down and taking his lips in a deep kiss. The other three watched the blond melt into the larger boy’s arms with individual expressions of adoration (Duo), indifference (Heero), and exasperation (Wufei). Duo rolled onto his belly and propped his chin on his fist. “Awww! Would you look at that. So sweet. I was always rootin’ for you guys.” Wufei looked over at him with incredulous eyes. “No you weren’t. You said Quat deserves -” His head swung to the right as Duo’s boot bounced off the side of his face, silencing what was no doubt going to be an incriminating statement. “Shut the fuck up, Chang.” Wufei snarled, launching himself out of his chair and tackling the braided pilot. He wrapped his hands around Duo’s throat, hissing through his teeth. “A shoe, Maxwell? You’re going to throw a shoe at me? Really? I don’t think so, you - you assaulter, you boot thrower! Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to choke you until you lose consciousness and then you’re going to wake up in a few hours with the boot you just hit me with shoved up your ass.” “Why, Fei,” Duo sputtered, red-faced, tears streaming down his temples. “I didn’t know you *wheeze* cared. You could at least *cough* buy me a *wheeze* drink first.” Wufei growled and squeezed harder. Heero stood by the mantle watching the two pilots killing each other on one side of the room and the other two making out like nobody’s business on the other. “Well, screw this. If they find us, they find us.” He walked over to his bag and pulled out his laptop, settling it across his lap and flipping open the top. He turned it on and waited for the home screen to load, sighing wistfully as Relena’s image appeared, greeting him with a smile. He traced his finger over her cheek and whispered, “Relena, my love. When I see you again…I’m going to kill you.”
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