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"Coming Home "Written By: CalicOcat
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said. Pairing: 1+2 Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Swearing, Shonen ai/Yaoi Notes: This got its start thanks to a little article
about Mars in an email newsletter.
" Coming Home "
The fall air was surprisingly chill so I set down my
bag and dug out a lightweight windbreaker. Even with it on I was still
a bit cool but that would change soon enough once I started hiking.
"You sure this is where you want off? I mean, sure,
there's a bus stop here but it doesn't generally get used once the
campground's closed for the season..." the driver said uneasily
as he finished his task. Cheery grin firmly in place, I assured the man, "Yeah,
I'm visiting somebody who lives just a few miles from here, up that
road." I gestured towards the closed gate of a narrow dirt access
road on the far side of the campground's entrance. "A little
hike in the fresh air'll do me good." Either that or kill me;
I wasn't too sure which. I hadn't been back on Earth for long; full
gravity was still exhausting. My damn joints ached all the time and
it didn't take much to set my muscles aching right along with them.
Good thing I'd turned down a second tour on Mars; I'd hate to think
how tough it would be to readjust after being there twice as long.
There wasn't a single damn thing in the whole fucking
universe that Preventers could have offered to bribe me into staying
on that godforsaken planet for another four years. My assignment there
had been about as challenging as watching paint dry and I'd resented
both the lack of privacy and the isolation like hell. No, that wasn't
a contradiction in terms; there really had been both a lack of privacy
and a sense of isolation. There were plenty of people stationed on Mars, too many
at times - Preventers, scientists, environmental engineers, and a
whole ton of other specialists - but there was nobody that I'd particularly
connected with. The scientific and military communities tended to
keep aloof for the most part; the scientists and environmental specialists
in general regarded a Preventer presence at the project as an unnecessary
waste of resources that would be better utilized by more researchers.
And while I could be friend*ly* with the men and women under my command,
I couldn't truly become *friends* with them. As their commanding officer,
I had to be careful not to do anything that might hint at favouritism.
My social life had been pretty damn pathetic. I'd made acquaintances,
not friends. Plus, I'd missed my best friend one hell of a lot more
than I'd expected. Sure, we'd been in contact occasionally but email
was a pretty poor substitute for actually spending time together.
Besides which, non-essential communications between Earth and Mars
were erratic and slow at best. At worst, nonexistent. It had been damn close to a year since the last time
I'd heard from Heero. A sly, curious glance from the bus driver was accompanied
by the seemingly-casual remark, "You must be talkin' about that
fellow that bought the ol' Landers place. Odd sounding name..."
I just gave a non-committal "mmm" as I strapped
my duffle to my backpack and shrugged into the pack's straps. I nearly
staggered under its weight and once again cursed the day I'd been
assigned to take over command of the Preventers' detachment on Mars.
Partway through his tour of duty, Merquise had abruptly
lost interest in both the project and Preventers, resigning his Preventers
commission as impulsively as he'd accepted it in the first place.
The last that I'd heard, he was going under the Peacecraft name again
and had accepted a position as figurehead for a group trying to raise
money for deep space exploration. Dragging poor loyal Noin along behind
him as usual. I wondered how long he'd stick to *that* before flitting
off on some other spur-of-the-moment change of career. Maybe he already
had. Reluctantly, I tuned back in to the bus driver's rambling
just as he observed, "Odd sorta fellow... Rumour is, he was one
o' them there Gundam pilots... Hard to believe one o' that lot would
be livin' like a hermit way out here..." I ignored the blatant
hint, adjusting my pack's straps and preparing to head on my way.
The man waited until it became obvious that I had no intention of
responding before continuing with obvious curiosity, "Fellow
never comes into town. Just has deliveries dropped off at the front
gate once a week, regular as clockwork. Sure seems strange..."
I waved a hand in acknowledgement and pushed my pace
a bit faster. I didn't know for certain whether Heero was expecting
me or not. I'd sent a message but hadn't received a response before
I'd started on my way here. According to the others, no response in
answer to a proposed visit was unusual. Receiving a very curt, negative
one was more to be expected. All three of the other former Gundam pilots claimed
that Heero had turned down requests from them to visit as well as
invitations to visit them. Sally Po was making ominous noises about
post traumatic stress disorder and agoraphobia among a variety of
other assorted psychological problems. Oh, something like that was *possible* - Heero had never
been particularly sociable and god knew we all had plenty of reason
to suffer from PTSD - but I wasn't entirely convinced. It was equally
possible that Heero had just gotten tired of being constantly on display.
First as the Vice Foreign Minister's bodyguard - and, for an even
longer time, presumed boyfriend - then as Une's golden boy, the famous
- or infamous, depending where one's sympathies lay - former pilot
of Wing Zero, now a hotshot Preventer agent, the one given all the
high-profile - but frequently low-importance - assignments. I had
definitely been getting that impression even before I'd been given
the Mars posting. It made sense that he wouldn't want to visit the others
- the media exposure would be just as bad as ever around them since
they were all still in the spotlight. Plus, reporters aside, there
was no such thing as "privacy" in a Winner household, let
alone at the circus or in Preventers' on-base housing. And he *had* let them visit when he first moved here.
Once. Reading between the lines of what the other three ex-Gundam
pilots had told me about that visit, I knew damn well that they'd
spent the entire time trying to drag Heero back to active duty either
with the Preventers or with Quatre's security staff. They'd even resorted
to having Relena drop in for a surprise visit. She'd taken her own
turn at trying to persuade Heero to "rejoin society" as
part of her entourage again. I didn't blame Heero in the least for
not inviting any of them back. I wouldn't want my peace and quiet
invaded by well-meaning but pushy friends either. Why the hell they
were so damn sure that *they* knew what was best for Heero... Why
they couldn't just accept that Heero might not want to be actively
involved in security or law enforcement, let alone that he might simply
want to enjoy peace and quiet and privacy... Okay, so maybe Heero was taking things to an extreme
by cutting himself off so completely but I could certainly understand
the feelings behind his desire for solitude. Heero had never been
very comfortable in social situations. In part due to his intensive
training - hair-trigger, violent, potentially lethal reactions to
being bumped, crowded, and jostled were *not* a good thing but keeping
those nearly-instinctive responses in check was physically, mentally,
and emotionally exhausting - and in part due to his very - well, I
guess "reserved" was as good a term as any - personality.
I wasn't exactly comfortable in crowds myself and my training had
been nowhere *near* as intense as Heero's. Right now, though, I was just as much in search of solitude.
And in dire need of a change both of scenery and career. I could definitely
empathize with Heero's decision to get away from it all. Of course, the others - well, mostly the three former
pilots (and friends though not for much longer if they didn't wise
up and butt the hell out of my business), though Commander Une hadn't
exactly been thrilled - had all had a few things to say when I'd stated
my own intention to resign from the Preventers. None of them the least
bit supportive of my decision. What a bunch of nosy, pushy, interfering, condescending,
supercilious bastards. I was a damn adult who'd spent four fucking
years in a command position; where the hell did they get the idea
that they knew what I needed better than I did myself? Annoying assholes.
Reigning in my temper with an effort, I slowed the fast,
clipped pace that I'd unconsciously slipped into as I'd remembered
the "discussions" they'd instigated. They'd been my friends
for quite a few years now and I supposed that they meant well but
I was sick and tired of their meddling. Hard to believe that after
looking forward to seeing them again for the past four years, I'd
been completely fed up with them after a mere two weeks. I'd finally agreed to use up my accumulated leave time
before making a final decision, just to shut them all up for a while.
Let'em think what they liked, I wouldn't be changing my mind. Returning
to Earth didn't change the fact that my rank left me quite firmly
in a non-field position, something I'd learned to truly loathe during
my tour on Mars. At any rate, I could *definitely* understand why Heero
would've cut himself off from the lot of'em. And it didn't have a
damn thing to do with being "emotionally and psychologically
disturbed". Preferring solitude was *not* automatically a sign
of serious psychological problems; Heero could have a hundred perfectly
good reasons for wanting to be left alone. And hell, even if he *was*
agoraphobic, if he was content with his life I really didn't think
it was anybody else's damn business. I'd developed a distinct aversion to crowds myself during
my time on Mars. The planet wasn't actually habitable as of yet -
terraforming was slow, tedious work - and the domed main camp was
extremely crowded. Overcrowded, really. Privacy was nonexistent; all
offices were shared, all meals were eaten in the commissary, and there
were no private living quarters, only barracks. I'd broken all kinds
of rules, written and unwritten, by scheduling myself into the patrol
duty roster just so that I could get away from base once in a while.
Not that flying over Mars's dusty plains checking for signs of unauthorized
settlement or other illegal activity was exactly a thrill-a-minute.
But it *was* good for a few days away from "civilization"
every month. Despite having slowed my pace considerably, I had to
stop and take a breather. Four years spent at one-third Earth's gravity
were making their influence known. The long trip back to Earth under
gradually increasing gravity and a fortnight of additional testing
and therapy once I'd returned to Earth had helped ease the adjustment
but I was still far from being in peak physical condition. I'd already
filed a recommendation that agents be rotated off of Mars in two years
rather than four. One year would be better yet but I knew Preventers
would never go for that. Too much time would be lost in training and
acclimatising personnel to the planet's unique conditions. But four years stationed on Mars was definitely too
damn long. Wistfully, I observed aloud, "Y'know Heero, if
you happen to be monitoring this road, I wouldn't say no to a lift
about now, buddy." After a few minutes of rest, I forced myself
to start walking again. Even if Heero did have surveillance equipment
covering the entire route - and I knew there was *some* out there,
I'd spotted a few things along the way - there was no guarantee that
he would be actively monitoring it. Let alone that he would actually
come pick up his uninvited guest, best friend or not. That was one
reason for the heavy backpack; I was equipped to literally camp on
Heero's doorstep if necessary. I didn't really expect it to be - but
it was safer to be prepared. Plus there was always a chance that Heero
might not be home. The fact that he hadn't visited any of the other
pilots or the closest town didn't necessarily mean that he never travelled.
I wasn't about to let myself into his home if he was away; he deserved
his privacy and I wouldn't intrude on it to that extent. As I hiked, I wondered whether Heero would be glad to
see me or not. Despite being best friends, we hadn't exactly had a
lot of contact over the past few years, just the occasional terse
email. That hadn't been a surprise; Heero knew too damn much about
the insecurity of the medium to put anything the least bit confidential
(which ruled out work-related subjects) or personal (which ruled out
just about everything *else*) into his messages. And after my first
few, I hadn't had much of anything to write about period. After all,
I couldn't very well have spent a lot of time writing about the fact
that I was homesick for a planet I'd only lived on for a couple of
years or that the thing I missed most about Earth was spending time
with Heero. I was dwelling on those little discoveries more than enough
as it was. So I didn't have much left to write about other than general
bitching about the job, the accommodations, the food, the crowding,
the lack of privacy, and every other damn thing about the Mars terraforming
base. I'd started the assignment off eager, nervous, and ever-so-slightly-flattered
at being promoted and handed command of the Mars Preventer detachment.
That had lasted less than six months beyond my arrival on that goddamn
planet. Correction - *we* didn't do those things. The Preventers
under my command did them per my instructions while I sat in the fucking
*office* being a good little officer and following regulations. Filling
out forms in triplicate and carrying out barracks inspections and
all that other boring crap. So much for promotion being a reward. If I hadn't started
working myself into the patrol duty roster despite the fact that it
was a blatant violation of regs - what were they gonna do, *demote*
me? I'd have thanked'em! - I'd have gone abso-fucking-lutely *crazy*
long before my tour was up. I'd *lived* for the day that I'd get the
hell off that fucking planet and out of the damn Preventers. I wasn't
about to ditch my commitment partway through my assignment like my
predecessor had but that kind of shit was *not* what I'd signed up
for. Certainly not the promised "productive use" of my skills
that had lured me into the organization. Much like Public Relations appearances at political
functions and bodyguard duty for visiting politicians weren't what
Heero had signed up for. In fact, he'd left Relena's employ expressly
to get away from all of that only to end up doing the exact same kind
of shitty escort jobs as a Preventer. No wonder he'd decided enough
was enough. The grade of the road rose and I started to seriously
consider taking a prolonged break. I wished that I hadn't put on that
damned windbreaker; it was too fucking hot now and my shirt was clammy
with sweat beneath it. My joints and muscles ached even more than
usual, my lungs burned, and my heart pounded. Either I'd seriously
overestimated my physical condition or I'd seriously underestimated
the terrain. Maybe both. The road curved sharply ahead, vanishing into heavy
forest. Promising myself a real break and a drink of water once I
reached the shade, I trudged wearily around the corner - and nearly
walked right into the jeep parked on the shoulder. The backpack pulled
me off-balance when I stopped so abruptly and I ended up flat on my
ass. Fuck. God, it was good to see him again. I glared halfheartedly and tried to sit up, only to find that the backpack was too damn heavy and awkward to allow that. "You try spending four years pushing paper in an office in a one-third grav environment and see how well *you* handle climbing a goddamn mountain," I grumbled, dropping into our old familiar bickering with surprising ease. Feeling very much like a turtle stuck on its back, I
fumbled with the backpack's straps for a minute before giving up in
disgust. "You just gonna sit there smirking like a smug bastard
or are you gonna help me?" I demanded irritably. He snorted and his mouth quirked slightly in amusement
but he hopped down, grabbed my outstretched arm, and hauled me to
my feet with humiliating ease. My joints and muscles protested vigorously
and I couldn't quite catch my balance to stop the forward motion.
I crashed right into Heero's chest, knocking the breath out of me.
Heero chuckled quietly, "Sorry. Guess I don't know my own strength."
He didn't push me away; instead he slid his hands around me, slipping
them between my waist and the bulk of the pack. I spent about two seconds thinking that I really should
move before I decided to hell with it. Heero wasn't one for beating
around the bush; if he didn't want me plastered up against him, he'd
let me know. And it felt damn good standing here leaning against him
like this. Even if he was a smug bastard. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up buddy boy. Just wait'll
I get re-acclimatised," I warned him grumpily. "Revenge
is sweet." I hugged him impulsively. "God, I missed you."
His arms slid further around me, pulling me even tighter
against him, and he admitted with a sigh, "Missed you too."
"The readjustment to Earth is rough?" Heero
moved behind me and took hold of the pack, lifting most of its weight
off of the straps and providing the necessary slack to get it off.
"Oh yeah," I said fervently as I shrugged
out of the pack. "Every damn muscle, joint, and bone in my body
aches. And that's when I'm just standing still. Adjusting to full
grav again *sucks*." With his usual powerful grace, Heero tossed
the pack into the back of the jeep while I watched wistfully. Dammit,
I hated being weak, achy, and clumsy. "It's not as bad as it
was the first couple of days but it seems like it's taking for-freaking-ever
for my body to get used to Earth grav. No strength, no stamina...
I feel like a goddamn wuss." I hesitated, then confessed sheepishly,
"Po didn't really want to release me from medical supervision
yet but I *had* to get the hell out of there. I was so fucking fed
up with everyone telling *me* what *I* 'needed'. So I made a damn
nuisance of myself till she agreed to let me off-base. She wouldn't
give me medical clearance to drive, though. Said my reaction time
was too slow." Heero frowned at me. "You should have told me you
were - unwell - when you said you were coming. I'd have met you at
the road instead of waiting for you at the halfway point." Halfway. Yeah, Heero'd always been willing to meet me
halfway, whether we were trying to decide what movie to watch or researching
a case. It made sense that he'd waited for me halfway today. Me making
the climb that far without any indication of welcome from him proved
that I really did want to see him; him meeting me halfway said that
I was welcome there. It also made sense that he'd have met me at the
road if he'd known I wasn't a hundred percent yet; he'd have figured
that making the effort to get that far when I wasn't quite up to par
would be enough to count as meeting halfway. "I should've," I admitted reluctantly but
honestly as I climbed into the jeep. "I really did think I could
handle the hike but I guess I overestimated my recovery and underestimated
how tough the uphill climb would be. It's pretty steep in spots. I
just hate being so damn... *wimpy*." "Listening to your body and taking appropriate
precautions to allow it to recover is sensible, not 'wimpy',"
he pointed out reasonably as he slid into the driver's seat. I made a non-committal sound in response, acknowledging
the truth of his words but still feeling a bit embarrassed by my poor
physical condition. Especially face-to-face with Heero's perfectly
toned body; *he* definitely wasn't out of shape. I didn't really want
to talk about my own body's substandard state anymore right now. Heero must've realized that because he dropped the subject.
We rode the short distance to his house in companionable silence.
The ease with which we'd slid back into our old friendship was a pleasant
surprise. We were picking up right where we'd left off - as friends
understanding enough to know when to just shut the hell up and close
enough to be comfortable with silence between us. I'd heard other
people talk about friendships like that, people who could go for years
with little to no contact and just pick right up where they'd left
off whenever they did meet up again. Finding out that my friendship
with Heero was like that was a damn nice discovery. A few minutes later, we turned onto a gravel driveway
and a sturdy iron gate swung open automatically at our approach. We
passed through another few hundred yards of forest before emerging
into a sunny clearing with a long, two-story log-and-stone house at
its centre. "Nice place, Ro," I said appreciatively. "Thanks." He drove around to the house's side
and pulled into a garage. He turned off the jeep and climbed out before
saying casually, "You didn't say how long you were staying..."
"Umm, till you get sick of me and kick me out,
probably." I shrugged. "Don't really have any other plans
right now." I honestly had no idea what I'd do after this visit
was over. Maybe try and find someplace to live close enough to drop
by fairly regularly; I'd missed Heero too damn much over the past
few years to want to rely on long-distance contact only. For the moment,
I was just taking things one day at a time. "Ah, so you're moving in permanently then."
He grabbed my pack and swung it over one shoulder. "Good."
Halfway out of the jeep, I froze and stared after him.
Moving in? *Permanently?!* Was he joking or serious? With Heero, it
could be pretty hard to tell sometimes. This was definitely one of those times. Heero's voice drifted back to me from outside the garage,
"Come on, Duo. I left a couple of steaks out to thaw; by the
time we get you settled in they should be ready to barbeque for supper."
Okay, supper was good. I could do supper. I knew he
was serious about *that*; he knew better than to kid around about
something as serious as *food*. Dragging myself to my tired, achy feet, I followed my
best friend into his home to find a bedroom equipped with comfortable
furnishings of some kind of really dark wood (rosewood, Heero told
me when I asked) and shelves filled with books by my favourite authors.
A room that had pretty clearly been prepared just for me. Maybe he had been serious. Maybe he really did want
me to stay. Permanently. Huh. Guess he'd missed me as much as I'd missed him.
*** I offered to pay rent - I could certainly afford to,
I had plenty of money saved up from my time on Mars since there hadn't
been any place to actually *spend* it - but Heero got kind of pissed
off and offended so I dropped the subject. I wasn't about to be a
complete freeloader, though. At the very least, I could do my share
of the housework. That, he didn't have a problem with. So, over the next couple of weeks, Heero and I gradually
settled into a routine. At first, I had to ask him what he wanted
me to do. I mean, I didn't want to disrupt his life too much; permanent
houseguest or not, he was both my friend and my host, I wasn't about
to make him regret his hospitality. So I asked whether I should fix
dinner, wash dishes, weed the garden (after he showed me the difference
between the good stuff and the weeds, that is), do laundry, dust,
sweep... But after a bit I started to get a feel for what needed to
be done around the place and I just went ahead and did it. I needed to build my muscle strength back up again so
Heero and I designed an exercise routine that would do just that -
without letting me overdo things the way that I had on the day of
my arrival. A single narrow room ran the length of the house at the
back. It looked newer than the rest of the house and Heero explained
that he'd had it built on after he bought the place. The addition
featured a long, skinny pool designed for swimming lengths and basic
exercise equipment - a stationary bike, some weight and resistance
equipment, nothing too elaborate. I used the equipment some but -
since swimming helped me build muscle tone without putting more stress
on my joints - I spent a *lot* of time in the pool. And outside, on
the deck that wrapped around the front and one side of the house,
was a hot tub that did a terrific job of soothing aching joints and
muscles after a particularly strenuous workout or an exceptionally
busy day. We started most days off with a workout. Heero had his
own routine to go through while I went through mine. Once I started
to get some vague semblance of my old speed and strength back, we'd
probably work the odd sparring match into the mix but right now I
just wasn't up to it. Breakfast came next, then we'd take care of household
chores till lunchtime. There were a surprising number of chores to
be dealt with; I'd never lived in a *house* before so I'd never really
realized just how much work that entailed. It seemed like there was
always some little thing that needed to be taken care of - a loose
shingle on the roof, a fresh crop of weeds threatening the vegetables
in the garden, an eavestrough clogged by a bird nest... The list went
on and on. We spent one morning scraping the flaking - and ugly
- brown paint off the garage door before starting to apply a fresh
coat of dark green paint. Of course, we then spent a few hours trying
to remove said paint from our own skin after I made the mistake of
teasingly waving my paint brush at Heero and saying "En guarde!"
I had a little too much paint on it for that sort of foolishness and
it spattered Heero. He gave me a disbelieving look and I just had
to laugh at his green-spotted face. He started to scowl, then the
scowl changed to a smirk and I knew I was in *deep* shit. Most afternoons, Heero would work on his freelance computer
programming contracts while I'd go lie down to take some of the pressure
off my joints and give my back a break. I'd usually start off reading
but end up falling asleep - full gravity and a strenuous exercise
routine were a tiring combination. I was kind of embarrassed about
it at first but Heero's calm acceptance of my current physical condition
went a long way towards convincing me to just relax and give my body
time to adjust without trying to rush the process. He didn't baby
me or treat me like an invalid but he'd speak up if he thought I was
pushing myself too hard - or, for that matter, slacking off. So although
he'd let me sleep for a while, he'd always wake me up in time to help
fix supper. After the first couple of weeks, I wasn't feeling quite
so tough by afternoon. Instead of reading in my room, I decided to
grab a book and go sit in Heero's office. The sound of him clicking
away at a keyboard was familiar and somehow relaxing, as was the low
hum of the half dozen or so development computers lined up along two
walls. One whole wall was taken up by a floor-to-ceiling whiteboard
while the fourth was a huge bay window. I curled up on the windowseat
and started to read. But I'd been doing a lot of reading lately and
I had trouble keeping my mind on the book. My eyes kept drifting from
the page to watch Heero working, his brow lightly furrowed in concentration.
No matter how many times I dragged my attention back where it belonged,
it ended up back on Heero again. It certainly wasn't the first time that I'd found myself
watching him instead of doing what I should have been. He'd always
fascinated me, even back when we'd just barely met. He always put
such *intensity* into whatever he was doing that I found it hard to
resist watching him, whether at work like now - or working out like
this morning. I'd almost gotten caught then; he'd wondered why I was
just standing around instead of getting started on my weight routine.
I'd pretended that I'd been debating whether to increase the weights
or just add a few more reps to the routine. Not that I was really
ready for either but that was better than admitting that I'd been
busy appreciating the flex of his back and thigh muscles as he'd climbed
out of the pool. He'd frowned a little and recommended that I stick
to my current routine for a few more days. I'd agreed that maybe that
would be best but I'd noticed him keeping an eye on me through the
rest of my workout. Guess he'd been concerned that I was going to
do something stupidly stubborn and overdo it anyway. "Book not holding your interest?" Heero inquired,
swivelling his chair to face me. "This is the third time I've
seen you staring at me instead of it." Oops. Busted. "Not really," I admitted. "Guess
I'm getting tired of reading. Need to find something more challenging
to keep my mind occupied." Heero gave me a thoughtful look, then nodded decisively.
"Pull up a chair. I'm having some trouble with this one subroutine;
it works but it's consuming more resources than it should..."
He didn't have to invite me twice. I enjoyed programming
anyway; working together with Heero just added to the invitation's
allure. Within a few minutes, we were both caught up in the intriguing
challenge of a tricky bit of programming - though I have to admit
that sitting close enough to feel the warmth radiating from Heero's
body had a certain very pleasant appeal of its own. I kind of overdid it that first afternoon. My back started
aching after awhile but I ignored it because I was caught up in the
program that Heero and I were working on and I didn't want to stop
and go lie down. I mean, I was just sitting around in a damn chair
for god's sake. I wasn't about to be *that* much of a wuss. Well, that ache flared into agony when Heero called
it quits for supper and I tried to stand. Muscles cramped and spasmed
painfully in my neck and back. Just *breathing* hurt. I nearly threw
up and I would have fallen if Heero hadn't caught me. The spasms were
too bad for me to get in the hot tub and we didn't have any muscle
relaxants so Heero suggested trying a massage. I was desperate enough
to agree, despite knowing that it would actually hurt worse at first.
And it did. It hurt like hell. But Heero kept at it and between the
gentle massage and the hot, damp towels he used as compresses, the
pain gradually eased into just a residual soreness in the muscles.
That whole episode set me back a little - I had to spend
the next couple of afternoons lying down again - but on the third
day, I rejoined Heero in front of the computers, just for a couple
of hours at first. I was careful not to overdo it and if I did happen
to forget, Heero would remind me. I even managed to get a few more
backrubs out of him. And if I couldn't quite help imagining what those
strong but gentle hands would feel like on other parts of my body
- well, at least I was lying on my stomach so I didn't embarrass the
hell out of us both. In the evenings, we usually went for a long, leisurely
walk and watched the sunset from a good vantage point before heading
back in to spend the evening relaxing together. Sometimes we watched
movies or listened to music, sometimes we read, sometimes we played
chess or Go or mahjongg. Most of the time, we talked. Talked about all kinds
of things - politics, the economy, investments, sports, you name it
- but mostly about ourselves and our experiences over the past few
years. About all the things that we hadn't been comfortable discussing
in those occasional messages that we'd exchanged. We talked about my experiences on Mars - beyond the
basic bitching I'd done in my emails - and about my discovery that
I hated being in a command position. About my determination not to
return to Preventers, the insistence of certain other individuals
that it was where I belonged, and my complete irritation bordering
on outright fury at the sheer arrogance of their assumption that they
knew what was best for me. And, of course, we talked about my body's
frustratingly slow readjustment to life on Earth and how damn much
I hated feeling so fucking *weak* all the time. We talked too about Heero's experiences during the past
few years and his ultimate decision to leave Preventers. About his
frustration with our friends' apparent inability to accept his decision
and his relief that I not only accepted it, I understood it. And - eventually - we talked about the fact that, yes,
Heero did have a slight case of - well, agoraphobia for lack of a
better term. Nothing that he couldn't handle on an occasional basis
- he did make regular trips to meet with his programming clients and
he usually spent a few days in whatever city that meeting took place
in - but it was simply too wearing for him to be around large numbers
of people too often. It took too much concentration, too much effort,
for him to keep his hair-trigger reflexes under control in public
places. When he was in a crowd, he lived in constant fear of injuring
someone with an instinctive reaction to a bump or jostle. "I just... couldn't do it anymore," Heero
admitted with a resigned shrug. "I was constantly tense and on
edge and the fact that I kept getting assigned to bodyguard or escort
duty for ambassadors and senators didn't help matters. All those goddamn
receptions and parties... The damn reporters were forever in my face,
looking for a story." Shaking his head, he gave me a sidelong
glance and a faint, rueful half-grin. "I hadn't realized how
much I'd relied on you running interference for me before. And not
just with the media, either. Whether we were on assignment together
or just out for an afternoon at a ball game, I knew that you had my
back. It let me relax, tone down my reactions. "Crowds really aren't my idea of fun either,"
I told him dryly. "My training wasn't as..." I hesitated,
searching for a nonjudgmental way to say it, knowing that Heero didn't
see J's training methods as the unnecessarily severe excesses that
I did, "...as thorough - as intensive - as yours, my reactions
aren't quite as instinctive, but I still have to consciously control
them. It was tough on Mars because it was so damn crowded and there
was basically no privacy. "I spent a lot of time in my office because at
least I just had to share it with the Project Director. And I spent
a lot of time in the dome's crappy little gym pounding the hell out
of the heavy bag to burn off some of the tension. Even then, the monthly
solo flights on planetary patrol were about the only thing keeping
me sane for the last year or so that I was there. So I know what you
mean about the constant exposure to crowds just wearing you down."
"Thank god you do. The others just..." Heero
blew out an exasperated breath and shrugged. "They just don't
get it. They think it's just a matter of more exposure to crowds.
Of getting used to it." "Desensitization." I shook my head. "For
run-of-the-mill afraid-of-embarrassment agoraphobia, yeah, that's
the usual treatment. For this - uh, *no*, I don't think so; more frequent
and prolonged exposure makes it worse, not better. But then, I don't
think they really get *why* crowds bother you. I don't think any of
them have quite the same reaction as we do." Heero frowned, looking
ready to protest. I held up one hand and said, "Listen, just
bear with me on this for a minute, okay?" He subsided, willing
to listen to my theory even if he wasn't too sure about its validity
just yet. "Okay, look, Quatre only had a few years of Gundam
pilot training, right? And before that he lived a pretty normal life.
Well, normal for a spoiled-rotten rich kid anyway. Same with Wufei,
only substitute overeducated aristocrat brat. They've got the skills
- but they're just skills, not deeply ingrained instincts. "And Trowa - well, his life wasn't *normal* but
he was part of a *group* of mercenaries for a long time. None of this
live-or-die-you're-on-your-own shit that we had to deal with from
a young age. Plus most of his pilot training and a lot of his missions
were based on infiltration; the whole focus was different. Survival
meant blending in, conforming - not having instinctive, potentially
lethal reactions. Killing or even knocking out the first officer to
touch him without warning would've been just a little bit counterproductive.
"You and me... Well, we're different from them.
You not only had more - intensive - training than any of the rest
of us, you had more years of it. I didn't have any more years of pilot
training than the other guys but I had a pretty - uh, unconventional,
I guess - life before that. I wasn't part of a gang for the last few
years I was on the streets; I was on my own and fought hard and damn
dirty to stay independent 'cause most gangs had certain - expectations
- I wasn't willing to fulfill. I got used to not letting strangers
close enough to touch, to reacting quickly and decisively if someone
did get their hands on me. I didn't have those reflexes drilled into
me for as many years as you but they're still pretty damn strong.
"The other guys just don't *have* the reflexes
at that really instinctive level." "You could be right," Heero admitted thoughtfully.
Smirking faintly, he added, "And when you put it that way, I
can see where all of their arrogant presumption comes from too."
I grinned. "Yep. Wufei was raised to be an arrogant
prick; it's not his fault the training took so damn well. Quatre was
trained to be head of his family - a position that carries pretty
much absolute authority in L4 society - and, unfortunately for us,
he considers us family." Heero's smirk grew a little wider, as
did my grin. He contributed, "And Trowa still tends to try not
to stand out and since he pretty much accepts Quatre's authority as
leader of our little group and head of the Gundam pilot 'family',
he supports whatever Quatre says." I nodded. "Yep. That pretty much explains why they're
so damn pushy. Of course, that still begs the question of why they're
all so damn sure that Preventers is where the two of us 'belong',
especially considering that we haven't exactly been using any of our
unique skills on the job..." Thinking out loud, I continued, "Umm... Commander
Une's reasons are pretty obvious - she doesn't want to lose two of
her most famous agents since media exposure helps bring in funding.
Wufei's got that weird 'Once a warrior, always a warrior' shit going
on - you know, that thing where he thinks you're the ideal warrior
and destined to be that till your dying day - the same kinda crap
that made him challenge you during that whole mess with Mariemaia.
Me, he just thinks unqualified for anything else. "Umm, and Quatre still has that weird notion that
you're the 'heart of space', whatever the hell *that's* supposed to
mean, and he thinks that means you need to be in Preventers..."
"Or married to Relena," Heero interjected
with a snort of annoyance, "but I think I've finally disabused
him of *that* notion." Recalling Quatre's email complaints about the way that
Heero kept trying to steer him in Dorothy Catalonia's direction every
time that Quatre brought up the subject of Heero and Relena getting
together, I couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, I think he finally
got the hint. He made a remark about me transferring to Preventers'
L2 detachment in order to be near Hilde. *Hilde*, for god's sake.
I mean, I guess she's a nice enough girl but I haven't even *talked*
to her since shortly after I moved to Earth to join Preventers."
I sighed and shook my head in disbelief. "Anyway, I countered
with the observation that maybe I should mention to Dorothy that the
estate next door to his was up for sale. Man, did he ever drop *that*
subject in a hurry." I shook my head again, half amused and half
perturbed at Quatre's ongoing attempts to meddle in everyone else's
lives. If he wasn't a friend, I'd have clocked him a good one a long
time ago. I still wasn't ruling out the possibility if he didn't
wise up and butt the hell out of my life. "Anyway, Quatre's been pretty vague about why he
thinks I should stay in Preventers. I kinda suspect he either thinks
I'll snap once I quit or else he's trying to avoid coming right out
and saying that I don't have the education to do anything else - like
Chang did." I gave Heero a conspiratorial grin and a wink. "They don't know?" he said, surprised. I shook my head. "Nope. Nobody does, 'cept you.
They all think I've just got the General Equivalency Degree that I
had to have in order to join Preventers." And I'd just barely
passed the damn thing at the time. I'd had, like, *zero* warning that
I'd be writing the test or I'd have been better prepared. I'd showed up for the first day of orientation and been handed *that* instead of an information packet. The entire history section had been pre-colony period - something I'd had no damn reason to study - and I'd never heard of most of the stuff in the literature section, though I did my damnedest to bluff it out. When the hell would I have had the time or opportunity to study Chaucer or Shakespeare or Swift, for god's sake? I'd been a little too busy learning how to build bombs and calculate fuel consumption and re-entry vectors to waste time on non-essentials like that. In the end, I'd guessed my way through most of the economics, bombed spelling and grammar since it was based on Earth rather than colonial standards, aced the math and physics and chemistry portions, sailed through the programming, and got about half the biology questions - the human anatomy ones since that was important for both assassination and first aid - correct. It had been thoroughly unpleasant but I had managed to squeak a pass out of it. Just. That test was *not* a fond memory. Particularly since
the bastards had publically posted the damn marks alongside our newly-assigned
Preventer ID numbers. Like matching those up with names was any kind
of challenge. Chang had given me pitying looks for *days*. Till we'd
run the obstacle course against each other and I'd kicked his sorry
ass. He'd toned down the condescension after that. Heero laughed and smirked evilly. "I want to be
there when they find out." "You can be the one to tell them," I offered
generously. It was only fair since Heero was the one who'd helped
me find a good, reputable, and very discreet university that offered
a wide range of courses through distance education. Their offerings
had included high school, undergraduate, and graduate level courses
and they'd been very flexible about allowing me to mix and match to
design a course of study. With Heero's encouragement, I'd filled in most of the
gaps in my general education and completed a Bachelor's in Computer
Science - a field that I was very comfortable in - by the time I'd
left for Mars. Then I'd worked on a project for my Computer Science
Master's as well as course material for a Bachelor's in Colonial Literature
while I was posted on Mars. I still had a few requirements to fill
but I'd probably have both degrees completed by year-end. I wasn't
sure whether I'd bother with any more degrees; I'd proved what I'd
needed to myself. I might take some individual courses, though, just
for interest's sake. Maybe a few more psychology courses; the ones
I'd picked up to cover my Social Science requirements had been kind
of interesting. He gave me a quizzical look. "Don't you want to
tell them yourself?" I grimaced. "Not really. Quatre will be all delighted
surprise and gushy support and I'll end up feeling like he's being
condescending even if he doesn't really intend to be. Trowa - well,
he probably won't do much beyond nodding and saying 'Congratulations'
so I guess he'll be okay. Wufei'll come across as sceptical and condescending.
I know he doesn't really mean anything by it, that's just the way
he is, but it still makes me want to haul off and knock him on his
arrogant ass." They were my friends but honest-to-god I sometimes
thought the only thing that kept me in contact with them was the fact
that we'd all been Gundam pilots. One of them tended to bore me to
death while the other two annoyed the hell out of me anytime I spent
more than a couple of hours in their presence. We just - didn't have
a whole hell of a lot in common. Heero looked for a minute as if he was going to object
to my summary of their probable reactions, then he shook his head.
"Point," he acknowledged ruefully. "Of course, you telling them means that you'll
actually have to talk to them again..." I observed. His turn to grimace. "I guess I can't ignore them
forever. Okay, I'll see them but not here; they're not welcome here
till they learn when to mind their own business. You have to make
a trip back when your leave's up; I'll go with you and we can see
them then." "Sounds good to me." I snorted in amusement
and added, "Hey, we can watch each other's backs - ward off Q's
matchmaking attempts and everybody's damn interference." I didn't
get the snicker in response that I'd expected. Instead, Heero ducked
his head and looked a bit uncomfortable. "Umm, about those matchmaking attempts..."
he said awkwardly. "I - ah - realized..." He flushed and
fumbled for words for a moment, then blurted out hurriedly, "It
wasn't just Relena in particular that was the problem; it's women
in general." "Oh." Now it was my turn to be at a loss for
words. I'd figured my own preferences out a long time ago; I hadn't
realized that maybe Heero hadn't worked his out at an equally young
age. Though it shouldn't really have been a surprise. His background
had meant that he was somewhat behind in certain areas of emotional
and social development just as my own background had put me behind
in certain academic areas. We'd both just needed the time and opportunity
to catch up. Sounding half apologetic and half defensive, he continued,
"Maybe I should have told you when you moved in but I wasn't
completely sure yet... But I am now - sure, I mean - and it's only
right that you should know..." I was adding two and two and getting five all of a sudden.
"Umm, Heero, sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions here but - uh
- is there a *particular* reason I should know or is this just for
general information?" "That - depends..." He had to know that I was bi; I *had* dated people of
both genders before I'd been assigned to Mars. But then again, I'd
only dated casually; he might not be sure that there'd been a difference
between the times that he and I had gone to a ball game together as
buddies and the times I'd gone out on a date with a guy. Or he might
think I'd just been experimenting, trying to figure out where my preferences
lay. It wasn't like it was something we'd really talked about. Bluntly,
I asked, "You do know I'm bi, right?" He relaxed a bit and admitted, "I thought so but
- I wasn't sure." "So now that you know..." Following my train of thought easily, he said, "It
still depends. If you'd like there to be a particular reason..."
I didn't have to think very much about that question.
It wasn't like I'd never noticed that Heero was one hot guy, after
all. I was certainly attracted to him. And considering how damn much
I'd missed him while I was on Mars and how totally comfortable and
at home I'd felt since moving in here, it wasn't as if it was a strictly
sexual attraction either. He was the one person that I missed most
when he wasn't around, the one person I felt the happiest and most
content just being near. "Yeah, I'd like that," I assured
him with a grin. He gave me a relieved grin in return. "Good. Then
- yes, there is a particular reason." "Good." An awkward pause followed. Heero looked
a little lost, uncertain what to do or say next. I wasn't sure either
but I didn't want to let the awkward moment stretch too long. Time
to fall back on an old standby - humour. I patted the couch beside
me and - deliberately acting very campy - widened my eyes and fluttered
my lashes. "So - wanna make out?" Just as I'd hoped, that hit Heero's rather quirky sense
of humour dead on. He snickered, choked, then just about killed himself
laughing as - eyelashes still fluttering madly - I crooked a finger
and invited, "C'mon, gorgeous, you *know* you wanna..."
My words ended in a started yelp as he grabbed my wrist and jerked
me down the length of the couch to land sprawled over him. He reined in his laughter and promised, "Oh, I
'wanna' alright..." Then he pulled my face down to his and kissed
me, a little tentatively at first. My enthusiastic response changed
that in a hurry. Lips, tongues, and hands got pretty adventurous during
that make-out session. By the time we finally called a halt, our clothes
were throughly dishevelled and we were both sporting hickeys in a
number of interesting places. From then on, we had even more pleasant ways to spend
the evenings. Strip chess can be a helluva lot of fun.
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